Yeah, it's a third in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

  • Nov. 13, 2019, 2:06 p.m.
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So… my ADULT Entry today, I don’t consider a real entry. I started it in October, collected all of the data in October, ran most of the numbers in October, and just posted it today because I figured… what the hell, why not. NOW… I get that some folks will be “outraged and offended” and you know what? I dealt with enough outrage and offense last week, so feel free. If my world is going to be my neighbors and partners in law enforcement being dicks to me because I am properly upholding the law… than I’m not going to cry and cower because Internet Friends and Strangers are upset that I attempted, playfully, to consider the measurements and potential appearance of what I might possibly but honestly not really consider an ideal Actress in the Adult Entertainment World. But… yeah. I did a short entry this morning… a weak attempt to try to shake the thoughts from my head so that they wouldn’t plague me. Then I published something I’d been working on prior to today. So… really, I’d consider this simply a second entry. In practice.

One thing that has been swirling in my mind a lot? Rules. Rules and choices. And how those things, by my own ignorance and my own doing, have brought me to where I am today. I grew up with rules and always tried to live by them. And it wasn’t even just… living by them… but making choices to directly avoid the temptation. No Sex. Rule. Solutions? No dating Jane… she’s sexually active and has confessed her crush on you. SO NO dating Jane! No dating Mandy. She’s sexually active and you are incredibly attracted to her. SO NO DATING Mandy! Don’t even flirt with Nikki!! You’d chew your own arm off to get a chance with her, so you stay away from her whenever you can… yes, it is nice she wants to be friends, and who knows if she was flirting or not, don’t even think about it!!! No Illegal Substances. Rule. Solutions? No attending any party where under-aged drinking or illegal substances are being consumed. If you are invited to a party where such behavior is likely but not guaranteed; politely decline the invitation. Don’t chase a taken woman. Rule. Solutions? Whenever discovering that a woman I was interested in had a boyfriend, I put myself in the friend-zone. That girl was now permanently off-limits for me because, as she was taken, I was not to engage in anything that could be misconstrued as anything other than friendship. IF that was not possible and any interaction could be misconstrued as romantic or flirtatious; I would simply remove myself from the friendship entirely. No Cheating on Your Wife. Rule. Solutions? Despite meeting many attractive single women in Law School, I never flirted nor pursued. Granted, towards the end of law school… after almost 3 years of Marital Celibacy… I was reconsidering. But I still did not pursue or flirt. To this day, I have not pursued or flirted… really. I’ll admit I may have tried my hand at flirting on-line… but in the real world… I honestly don’t even know if I know how to flirt anymore, let alone if I would be capable of doing it.

Hell, one of the reasons I got into prosecution in the very beginning was (tragically) the chip on my shoulder that I had been expected (by others but mostly by myself) to live by all these rules and yet there were SO MANY people in the world that didn’t live by the rules at all. I wanted to hold people accountable. I wanted to be the guy that said, “Everyone else is following the rules. YOU aren’t special. If you won’t follow the rules, we’ll hold you accountable!” That is why I wanted to do this job initially.

And now… looking back on a life dominated by rules… I realize that there is no great reward for trying to do the honorable or noble or just thing. Karma may be a bitch but if she exists at all, she’s also lazy, tardy, and bashful. Because here’s the truth about my job: We don’t hold people accountable. Not really. I’ve got Wife Beaters and Child Molesters and Fighters and Neglected Kids and Beaten Kids and an Attempted Drive By Shooting and more scheduled for December. But only one case can go forward. And I don’t even know what my boss’ case load for that day looks like. So, you tell me… which of those scenarios is “important enough” to put on the calendar and which of those scenarios are we “okay with” not bringing to justice? And the same is true for me. I lived a life by rules, expecting that those rules would lead me to the life I wanted to live. That isn’t what happened.

Here’s a hard thing for me to admit. This will actually contain a few hard things for me to admit, if I’m honest.

I know I can’t have a child with my wife. She’s not emotionally mature enough to take care of her SELF let alone the dog or heaven forbid a child! But I do want to have a child. When I quit acting… when I quit pursuing acting as a career in 2003… do you know what the real reason was? The honest, genuine reason? I wanted to have a family. I wanted to be a good provider for my wife and be able to come home every day to spend time with my child. I wanted to be an active Dad that could eat dinner with my family and see my child’s sporting events or concerts or plays. And I wanted to make that happen more than I wanted to be an actor. But I know for certain that I can’t have a kid with Wife.

Something else: I want to stop playing by the rules. Not just… “oh, I’ll stop playing by the rules so I’ll socialize with who I want or drink when I want or flirt with whoever I want.” I want… to just… let go. For a solid chunk of time. Like…kid you not… I want to just hop on a plane to London. Get a nice hotel room. See if I can’t score my first ever one-night stand. Fly back home. And just… have that experience. Something spontaneous, rule breaking, out of character for such a rigid rule-obeying fusspot. I want to grab life and do something with it. Not… something for other people… not something productive and beneficial to society. I want to do something just for myself.

But then that makes me wonder if all of this isn’t somehow a Mid-Life Crisis. Maybe I want to do something spontaneous and wild and reckless and irresponsible because I never did before and I’m feeling that my window for that is closing.

And I get that everything I’ve said sounds like more “And so this is why I’m getting a divorce” kind of wording but honestly… while all of that intellectually leads to that conclusion… it does not lead there emotionally. Because honestly… what I want to do… is something sudden, unexpected, and glorious. A moment of capturing something and riding the wave. Divorce is… an ending. Something final and definitive. Allowing something to end under the weight of its own inability. I know that I don’t have to look at it like that. I know that. But… here’s more information.

I feel bad for feeling like this because I know my wife has NO IDEA. Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking, “You’ve been going to counseling for over a year now. How can she have no idea?” It is a good question. But the fact remains. She has no idea somehow. She thinks that we’re “on a positive trajectory”. What? How? I don’t… I don’t quite grasp how she can be under that impression. But… it is a damned effective way for me to question myself. Or at least judge myself harshly. Because… yes. I’ve tried over the last many years to make our marriage work. I’ve busted my ass, I’ve found couple’s counselors (twice), I’ve found individual therapists for myself and for Wife… I’ve busted my ass for this marriage. And after 8 years of marriage and busting my ass all that time? 2019 has been a year where we’ve had sex 3 times… despite going on a tropical (ultimately celibate) honeymoon… and the best “step forward” has been… she now says “I love you” without me having to ask her to… she’ll hug me spontaneously every once in a while… and sometimes she’ll even give me a closed mouth peck on the lips. So… yeah. This is me playing ping pong with my life in my head.

Individual Therapy for me tomorrow. Couple’s Counseling apparently next week.

What are some of your favorite cities you’ve been to?
Seattle, WA
Cannon Beach, Oregon
Hilo, Hawaii
Graz, Austria
Vienna, Austria

Would you allow your children to date prior to 16?
I don’t have any, but probably. There would be special rules and restrictions of course. Like… I’m not just going to drop a 13 year old girl at the mall and say “Call me when you’re ready”

Did you ever go through a phase where you thought guys in bands were ‘hot?’
I’ll alter this to be sexual preference appropriate but… fuck yes. I’ll admit that Christina Aguilera and The Spice Girls caught my attention as much (or more) for their looks as their singing

What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for?
The almost crushing loneliness. My dad to this day lives within 10 miles of his best friend growing up. My friends? Closest one is 87 miles away.

Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up?
Hell yes!

What was the last thing you baked?
I… haven’t baked in years and years!!

Do you live more than 5 hours away from the nearest international border?
Yup, it is closer to 8 hours’ drive to Canada. And about 20 hours’ drive to Mexico

Does your town have a farmer’s market?
Yeah but it is abysmal. Like… two tables in the center of town. Just really weak sauce.

What’s the westernmost point you’ve been to?
I would guess Hawaii?

What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at?
Wow… an actual reservation… would have to be… law school. So probably more than 5 years ago

When did you last feel lonely?
A few… well, probably about 15 minutes ago

Can you easily tell when others are masking their true emotions?
It isn’t always reliable; but I have a fairly good read on when people are trying to hide information from me

How often do you wash your car?
I don’t typically wash my car. I might hit up an auto-wash after the snow melts to make sure the salt is washed away

When did you last lend money to a friend?
I’m not sure I have in recent memory.

Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from?
Facebook Messenger. Though… honest question… do y’all think I should get Snapchat?

Do you own a Dutch oven?
We used to. Wife asked for one for the Wedding but realized… there was no point, so she recently gave it away

Do you find it easy to put yourself in somebody else’s shoes?
I do my best. I try to be understanding and compassionate while simultaneously expecting responsibility and accountability

What is currently on your kitchen table?
I’m guessing dishes and a bunch of papers

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about?
I genuinely enjoy the Edo period of Japan and while I am terrified to see how academic historians depict the time period… I will be interested to see what Historical Reference would say about the 1980s

How old were you when you met your current best friend?

Have you ever kissed a smoker?
Not for a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very long time

What is the minimum age to obtain a driver’s license in your state/country?
Tricky laws at play. Farm equipment can be driven by any age provided it does not enter onto a highway or public road. From there we have all sorts of different licenses and such from about 13 to 18

Do you think this is an appropriate age, or should it be higher/lower?
I think the whole system has become overly complicated and foolish. Is a 16 year old person old enough to be held responsible for their actions and decisions in a court of law? If the answer is yes, it should be yes for all legal scenarios. If the answer is no, it should be no for all legal scenarios.

If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some?
Honestly, I was thinking about this today. If I won the lottery today… I would split it all with Wife provided that she sign divorce papers. Because one of my biggest concerns with everything is… how is she going to survive? She’s almost 40 and has consistently refused to behave in any manner that would indicate she is capable of being a responsible adult.

What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace?
When I worked at the jail and the pregnant violent offender, despite being shackled to herself, lifted the witness podium off of the floor and threw it at me and her attorney.

Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs?
Not really. Our home is fairly low tech.

What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts?
See, that’s my problem. I’m tenacious and stubborn. I don’t give up. My go to is typically “YET” For example… I currently weigh around 212. I want to get down to somewhere in the 140 to 160 range. I started at 235. So… is the fact that I’m doing this play and eating what I can (instead of working out and meal prepping) evidence of the fact that I’ve given up? No. It just means that I’m using my time differently and I’ll get back to the good eating and healthy habits soon… so I haven’t met my goal… YET… but I’m still trying.

How old were you when you started to seriously think about what career path you wanted to pursue?
I was convinced… 100% and unwavering… when I was 5 years old. I was either going to be an actor or an attorney.

Have you ever disliked a book so much that you didn’t finish it?
A few. I despise being in that frame of mind. I’d much rather finish the bloody thing and make a judgment based on the entire piece then judge it for a slow start or an annoying first three chapters. But time is a limited commodity and sometimes decisions must be made.

Would you rather read a book, or listen to the audiobook?
If I’m listening to it, it is entertainment and I’m unlikely to truly appreciate the nuances or the themes or any of the genuine literary quality of the work

Do you think tomorrow will be a better day than today?
I sure hope so, but it is impossible to say. Today… already had 3 guys call in to complain that I won’t simply dismiss their speeding tickets… it is snowing, harder than predicted, and I have play practice tonight. But then tomorrow is Magistrate Court, District Associate Pretrials, who knows what weather, Individual Counseling, and Play Show Night for the Theater Board of Directors. So… who’s to say?

Perpetually Plump November 13, 2019

I feel like you addressed my concern of entitlement in this entry. I, too, am (was?) a rule follower, but I just followed them because I was supposed to. I never believed if I did a, b, and then c that q, r, or s would happen. I just followed rules cuz thems the rules. And then my baby died when I was 22, and I realized life isn't fair, there is no God, karma is bullshit, and you get totally random cards, regardless of who you are, how good you are, or the rules you follow. I still follow most rules, but not as rigidly. I find lots of ways to break the rules but still stay within the bounds of the rules, and I like to test boundaries now and see just how far I can push (without jacking up my life or my kid's).

A divorce is an ending, but it's also a new beginning. It's an opportunity to do things differently. Or exactly the same. I really struggled when j left my husband, because I follow the rules and I don't fail. Well, divorce isn't following the rules, and I definitely saw it as a failure, but my god my quality of life is so so so much better since I've been divorced.

Have you considered starting a life outside of wife. Like after the play is over, just doing what you want. Go to the movies. Go see your friends. Go to a yummy restaurant. Cook for just yourself. all without any regard or concern for wife. See what it feels like to live with her but with no consideration for her. Might be an interesting experiment.

Rhapsody in Purple November 18, 2019

We’ve been listening to this podcast called Good Christian Fun which looks at Christian movies and films and pop culture but the really good thing about the podcast is the conversations they have with their guests and a lot of that purity culture comes up a lot. And listening to all these stories has helped me work out some of my own feelings about the sex/faith stuff from my past. I thought you might be interested

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