a lot of regression in the last day.
asked the girlfriend if i owed $1,600 for my half of the rent for the remainder of the year. she said yes. i pull out $2,600 from the bank, (with an extra $1,000 for my trip to the south on friday), i ask her if that’s right plus expenses…she says it’s for six months, not four.
i thought i had paid for two months after the summer, and her telling me that $1,600 was correct multiple times just threw me off. i hate not knowing where i stand, monetarily, and i doubly hate owing money, so i reacted poorly, just saying i was upset about being out another $900 i didn’t know about.
this turned into her blowing up, going in the other room then messaging me a bunch of shit about how she’ll quit all her jobs, or take two jobs, (which wait what) and whatnot, because she’s severely depressed.
i have a huge problem with the severely depressed thing, though. her mood/mental state has been completely symbiotic with mine for years now; she admits so herself. so if i’m upset, she instantly gets upset too, even if what i’m upset about isn’t related to her at all (and the majority of the time, it’s not, it’s usually work that’s the culprit.)
that’s led to me becoming much more private when i’m upset in recent years, internalizing my problems so that i don’t inadvertently send her spiraling into a depression. it’s not healthy. yup. i know.
i didn’t respond to the message. i also didn’t go to the gym/call the doctor back/etc, instead sleeping for 10 hours and waking up to shutter all the shades in the house and just…sit on the couch for two hours in silence. no tv, radio, etc. just kinda sat there.
i’m starting to think that this is going to keep getting harder before it gets better. the isolation is a bit rough right now. but i know that the less outward stimuli that i have, the more i can keep focusing on the matter at hand, even with this setbacks. i’m going to that concert tonight, then tomorrow i’ll attempt to call the doctor, do the anniversary dinner, and pack up and get ready to go south for a week or so.
hopefully that’ll quell some of this shit.
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