mother thoughts in 2019 Amazing Stories!

In preparation for my trip back home to Wisconsin next month for Thanksgiving, my therapist has me reading the book Mother’s Who Can’t Love. I just started it last night. So far it is interesting, although I am only 50 pages in. Basically it identifies the 5 types of unloving mothers and how to deal with each type in your path with moving forward and healing. So far I have made it through the Narcissistic Mother type and have just begun on the Enmeshed Mother type. Reading through the Enmeshed Mother type has been easy so far because my mom was totally NOT that type, so it requires little introspection on my part. My mom was slightly narcissistic though.

And every time I think how my mom could possible fit any of these types, I want to justify her lack of “being there” emotionally with the following thoughts:

“She gave you life, give her a break”
“She really did try the best she could; you were a lot to handle anyway.”
“You always had a roof over your head and food in the refrigerator, so what’s your big deal with her again?”

Because there is this Mother Myth, and I’m probably going to explain it terribly, but I’ll try my best. The Mother Myth goes along with the theory that all mothers have the maternal instinct from Day 1 and are loving in their own ways, and they all really do the best they can and any thoughts otherwise are probably due to the child either not giving them a break or being a problem child themselves. It also points out that most daughters who try to get help or feel validated in their feelings regarding their mothers in their upbringing are usually met with opposition (even from therapists) with daughter receiving statements like “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad”, “are you sure you’re remembering that event correctly? maybe it happened differently or she didn’t mean it that way?”, “she probably is like that with everyone” (okay, but she’s not everyone’s mother), “you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her, cut her some slack”, etc. Because society in general really, really wants to believe that all mothers are loving and any thought otherwise clearly wasn’t the fault of the mom and the daughter should just suck it up. And all the daughter really craves in her attempt to start processing and healing from the events in her life is a little validation in her feelings. That’s the common denominator in daughters trying to move forward. Because if there’s no validation, then there wasn’t ever a problem, and if there’s not a problem then there’s nothing to fix. I’m not sure I’m explaining it that well.

To acknowledge and validate the troublesome events of the past and think thoughts like:

“she really wasn’t there when I needed her for....”,
“she really didn’t care that I was being bullied by....and made no efforts to stop it and even accused me of exaggerating”,
“she really did think I was lying all those time when I told her about…”,
“she really wasn’t an open ear/mind when I wanted to talk to her about…”,
“she really did steal my thunder and take credit for my achievement of....as if I couldn’t have possibly won it without her”,

To acknowledge these thoughts is like confirming that you don’t have the motherly connection you so desperately want and have fought so hard to acquire. And after acknowledging that the connection just isn’t there and its not 100% your fault, the realization that the connection may never be there sets in, and that’s a really hard pill to swallow. Some of these types of mothers had psychological and mental illnesses and don’t think there is anything wrong with themselves whatsoever. That means the chances of them ever getting help and healing is slim to none. But me, the daughter, is actually the “healthy” one in this situation/relationship because I’m self-aware and willing to do a little work to at least heal myself with the impending realization that she may just not ever have the capability to be the mother I so desperately crave and yearn for. Its “easier” to come to terms with as a grown adult who is 100% self-sufficient and self-supportive and doesn’t have a need to depend on my mother financially or emotionally.

Anywho, the other three types of unloving mothers are the Competitive Mother, the Control Freak, and Mothers who need Mothering. If I had to pick my mom’s types, I would says she is the Mothers who need Mothering, the Competitive Mother, and a little bit of the Narcissistic Mother types. I’m thinking the Mothers who need Mothering and the Competitive Mother chapters will be hard reads. I am very much looking forward to the second half of the book which deals with healing and moving forward positively.

I haven’t been home to visit family since labor day weekend 2018, so its been a bit over a year. I try to go home once a year. I feel guilty because alllll of my family is in WI, and I miss my niece and nephew most. I get additional guilt trips on top of my self-imposed guilt trips when it reaches the one year point. My “favorite” this year was my sister texting me to let me know my niece forgot who I am. Unfortunately the day she chose to send me that text was a day that was already going horribly for me, although she had no way of knowing that. My mom also sends passive aggressive texts. My favorite recent one was a picture of her standing in front of a waterfall with a caption that read “We have waterfalls here too!”. That was in reference to all the hiking pictures I post on social media. Also, the waterfall she was standing in front of? That waterfall is in Minnesota. Its not even in WI.

I just need to get the vibe that she’s happy to see me when I get there. I take time and money and deal with these guilt trips, but there’s never a guarantee that she’s going to act like she’s thrilled to see me once I get there. I’m still stung by her surprise 50th birthday party that I flew home for a few years ago. We all gathered at one of her favorite restaurants, and my stepdad told her he wanted to take her out to eat, so the plan was that she’d walk through the doors of the restaurant and be totally surprised. She didn’t know I was going to be there. My sister and I went through great lengths in my travel arrangements to make sure there was no way of her finding out. Some of my longtime readers will remember this story. She basically ignored me the entire night, barely spoke to me, and interacted with everyone else who was at the party. While we were leaving the restaurant afterwords, my step-dad who isn’t the most observant type said “You’d think you’d be more excited to see your daughter!” and when he said that, I knew it wasn’t just me buried in my thoughts thinking that. It was apparent to others too. My mother just shrugged in response. She had no words. A hug and an “i love you so much” would have been healing.

It wasn’t just that isolated incident though. That was sort of the reopening of the old wounds from the first 18 years of my life before I joined the military and left. I rarely bring her up because I’m so used to well-meaning, but slightly dismissive responses like “I’m sure she tried.” Even writing this, I’m questioning myself like “do i sound whiney? stupid? ungrateful?”

Anyway, I need to get back to work.

Last updated October 31, 2019