Ayahuasca Curious in Current Events

My sleep could not have been worse. All that I can think about is everything my previous employers get away with. It was the six-month anniversary of being fired so naturally, it was just going to be heavier than usual. It doesn’t help that I don’t help my situation. I want to exercise but I have flu symptoms so I am going to sit and be real with myself and not hide from my finances, unemployment and relationships. Realize is Phase 4 of my Boss Up mission and it is about getting in line with the way the world works and accepting that there is always a choice and nobody is responsible for where you are and where you are going. That secret to happiness is truth and authenticity. It’s going to be a big chapter to write and explain. However, I seem to be distracting myself with Prosebox and stories from people about their ayahuasca experiences. I think that going to a resort in Costa Rico to try ayahuasca would be the whitest thing I would ever do but I lowkey really want to do it and I want that to be an experience that I have with a partner. I don’t even like weed or people! Shrooms are a no for me, Also no LSD or MDMA or even Tylenol. I hate being high but iboga or ayahuasca, on the other hand, could change my life… allegedly. These people are discovering secrets about life and themselves and the universe and I want to see what could happen for me. The woman that used to do my facials tried ayahuasca once. There is a couple that smuggled the plants into the city and they had her hooked up to an IV and signed a spiritual contract that she would not cross over if she saw a light at the end of a tunnel. She said that it unwired her whole brain and put it back together without any addictions or habits and she felt like she had a clean slate. That she discovered that she was dependant on her father’s love and approval and that need is where all her choices in life came from. All of her choices were about trying to get closer to that approval or to escape the pain of not having it and stuff like that.

Matt came home last night and they usually end up spending a day and night at his mothers out of town on the weekend and I am hoping that they do clear out of here. He might just take Madalyn because Vincent is still very sick with the flu. My sister wants to take him to see a doctor again. He’s got it so bad man. Today I just really want to sit and reflect and work on this “boss up manifseto” and put it all to good use. I also want to try and meditate. Like actually meditate. Generate my own DMT trip kind of meditate. There is just no peace in this house when everybody is home. Speaking of peace, I went out to eat with Toni and Ashley to Mongos and I suspected that there was some dairy cross-contamination while I was eating my second bowl and I can confirm that now because of the cystic pimple on my face. The shelf life of this pimple is going to be like, three weeks and I am so pissed. I can’t wait to move out so I can just invite people over to eat instead of being dragged out to places that hurt me. My food is way better anyway. Also, I passionately hate servers. especially the one that we had who kept aggressively interrupting me while I was talking. I almost lost my shit and blew up on her… but I played nice as always. Maybe when I have enough confidence I’ll be able to make my expectations clear next time. “I don’t want you to exist to me please and thank you.” wow! K, my bad mood from yesterday is still going strong.

In regards to my last entry, there is a Russian series called Better Than Us on Netflix that is actually pretty fucking amazing. It reminds me of the Swedish show called Real Humans. BBC tried to remake that but they made it so god damn fucking perverted because they’re all fucking freaks over there, like wtf?! I was mad that they did that.

Anyways, I really have nothing else to say. It’s going to be a long day… a long week if my roommates stay in the city this weekend. I have a choice here and I can always decide to make my day and week better. For starters, I have a box of wine lol.

Last updated October 26, 2019