Maybe it's wrong, maybe he was right in Musings

The thing about me is that I have a very, very sketchy and long history of drug abuse. Or rather, I have a very manic relationship with all things…
I’ve abused drugs, all were amphetamines; I don’t like downers or opioids…and when I’d take downers it was to level me off of the amphetamine highs. I’ve also been extreme with my body… I would exercise and count every calorie I would ingest and I was obsessed with being extremely thin… or I was obsessed with buying things, buying the stupidest things just because the swiping of a card or the accessibility of deliveries were at my finger tips. I do have anxiety disorder… and I work every fucking day, hard as hell, to treat my chemical imbalances holistically—which that in itself has become an obsessive compulsion, over drinking chamomile tea, taking melatonin, vitamins, exercising for endorphins, etc. etc.

I am broken. I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and I know how people view me. I know how people see me as some sort of very put together person and how my erratic stunts of mania make me an easy target to them, because they don’t live in the body I exist in.

Liam hasn’t been exposed to my manic episodes and actually, if he has seen me a little manic, the mania that I become fixated in, isn’t a reason for concern… I mean he doesn’t know that I prohibit myself from having more than 1850 calories a day—and that includes my alcohol intake… so sometimes I eat celery sticks for dinner, doused in hot sauce because celery has zero calories and has a negative calorie count and hot sauce also jump starts my metabolism…

But Liam doesn’t really understand that mania and compulsion… he throws it away and thinks “well Andy is a beautiful guy and he is really calorie conscious, so I eat steaks and potatoes he eats rabbit food”

But it was a particular difficult day for me and obviously these manic moments aren’t my point of pride and I try so hard to hide them. I mean I’m suppose to be beautiful, I’m suppose to be successful, I’m suppose to be very well put together—but keeping that facade up for long periods of time, eventually the facade starts to crumble.

I don’t know why I broke and I didn’t realize I broke, until he was trying to force me to do something that my mind was craving to do…

We spent 16 days together in Martinique. I mean I wake up next to him every morning at home but I have a place to go… I don’t just wake up next to him and just continually interact with him 24 hours a day…

The first 5 days I was able to curtail my compulsions, each day chipped away… I would wake up and I’d take a shower before he would wake up and I’d do my hair, put on fresh clothing, wear cologne and before the sun rose, I was laying in bed next to him, pretending that I had just woken up. And for the first 2-3 days I was okay… and he’d wrap his naked body over me and he’d make love to me and I’m not saying that it wasn’t consensual, but I was always in a fog of lust and emptiness… I don’t know why I feel empty—

Day 4 I started to compulsively want to shower… I wanted to cleanse my self and my body and I was taking 4 to 7 showers a day and Liam questioned why I needed to shower all the time and he assumed that it was because I’m on a Caribbean Island and it’s hot and I didn’t like to be sweaty… and he thought nothing of it, except that his boyfriend was being a clean freak.

Day 6-8 I was unraveling… taking multiple showers daily, my skin was so absolutely dry and chaffed that I began to develop rashes all over my chest and arms and he began to develop a serious concern and then started realizing my weird rituals… my fixation on making the bed… overusing hand sanitizer. As well as he started realizing that I was eating less and less daily and was becoming fixated on working out on our vacation…

I know… I mean I feel so embarrassed in retrospect and he was going beserk in his head trying to figure out “why is my boyfriend continually doing these things that are harmful to him?” And he had called my sister and then called Alex… who’s the only person who’s seen me completely manic.

I feel awful that I ruined the vacation for him with these weird compulsions that just overtake me and overwhelm me because I am broken…he was terrified by the things that I was doing without me really being aware of the damage I was doing to myself.
Obviously I am Not medicated for the mental disorders that I do have… I don’t want to take barbiturates to relieve my anxiety and I don’t want to take mood enhancers or whatever to deal with my chemical imbalances…

He was able to control me and sedate me, enough until we got back to the states… and I wanted to kill him, because of how he did what he did… but then again if I were in his shoes… I would’ve done the same thing…
He got a hold of some anti-anxiety medication and he was drugging me from Day 9 through day 16.... and I didn’t know why I felt better or I’d just spend the day sleeping on the beach with him or why I felt like I was a character in a game and someone else was controlling me.

And he told me what he had been doing when we were at our home and he was crying… and I freaked out on him because for so long I’ve been just handling my anxiety, my compulsions, my mania holistically and I’ve snubbed pharmaceuticals… and I freaked out because how many milligrams of these drugs was he feeding me? How often was he medicating me without my knowledge or consent? And how could I ever trust him again?

I saw text messages from Alex to him and alex had taken pictures of the pills that I was prescribed and the milligrams I was given… and Liam maneuvered his way through Martinique and found a generic brand of the pills with the same potency and he fed me these things once a day… and I was so manic that I didn’t realize that he would really force me to drink my orange juice or he would really be on top of me to drink my tea…

I guess his heart was in the right place. It scares me that I’m so trusting that he was able to drug me without my knowledge, but it also warms my heart knowing that he’s able to do these things and find a way to help me without my knowledge.

I dunno
I’m confused
I love Liam and it’s not the kind of love I felt for Alex… I worshipped the ground Alex walked on and in retrospect that was a very self destructive and childish way of love… with Liam, I love him and I respect him, I trust him and I don’t cave into him—I’m not afraid to disagree with him and if I disagree with him, he’s the first one to say “well babe, I respect your opinion, you need to respect mine—we’re grown men and we can come to agree to disagree”

I don’t agree with his decision to drug me… but I also don’t know what it’s like to deal with a person like me… what would I do if the tables were turned? What would I do if he showered compulsively to the point of hurting himself? What would I do if he had only eaten 3 pieces of pineapple, a celery stick and 2 arugula leaves and he worked out for 2.5 hours daily without eating anything else?

I can’t say he’s a bad guy…
I’ve also taken myself into psychiatric help and I’m seeing a therapist… I know I am broken… I come from a long line of mental health issues…

The road is long… I don’t know where I’ll be, but I want to exist happily