Have to do this in ❅journal 2019❅

Everything in my body is telling me I have to do this, but also it’s telling me that what I’m doing is wrong.

I don’t like manipulating others, I don’t like hurting others. But sometimes you have to just shut those weak parts of you off and try just fucking TRY to do selfish things.

I love him so much that I can’t continue. I can’t. It’s wrong, hurting yourself to try and feel loved but also wrong is a opinion. there’s human nature then there’s right and wrong.

All day I couldn’t get him out of my head, its never been this bad before. Never. In the years of me waiting for him it hasn’t gotten so bad it’s alarming. I didn’t even think eating sometimes i was so busy thinking of HIM. He even told me to eat, which is typically what actually makes me eat but this time i just couldn’t.

I couldn’t get the idea of being smaller out of my head. My BF is six foot if not over that, I’m tiny compare to him but not enough. I can’t eat. I can’t. I just laid in bed last night waiting hours and hours for his reply. I kept missing his texts and going crazy on myself for it.

“You’re a horrible person if you don’t read his texts immediately.” “He’s going to be dissapointed in you if you don’t answer him.” “Dont make him wait.”

I couldn’t stop myself from collapsing in exhaustion, doing ANYTHING to get his attention. If not eating does it, I’ll do it. If being slutty does it, I’ll do it. He seemed so sweet when he told me I’ll never get fat and he was so comforting when I talked about how I was shaking/trembling in my classes. Why can’t I just have that???

He loves me. He does, he has to. I don’t know why this made me get so giddy this morning thinking about it. He loves me. He does he promised and I’m so happy but I’m also kinda scared? Because of before…before it wasnt good. But this time it has to be different.

I got a eighty on a test in algebra two, but I was dissapointed. I just stared at it angrily, I wanted to throw everything off of my desk and scream at the top of my lungs. What will he think of it? Will he be happy about it or will he think I wasn’t trying enough?

This happened a lot. Every bite of food i thought about how i was getting bigger and he wouldn’t be able to hold me in his arms. How my bones needed to show more, how it’s fine if everything hurts and sometimes breathing doesn’t feell right.

How everyday my clothes seem to just fall off of me and I’m just so desperate for his attention. He misses me!! Yes me omg I nearly jumped for joy when he says he misses me out school!!

I even got a good morning yesterday, I was gonna puke I couldn’t stop shaking and reading the message over and over again. Like ahhhhhhhhhhh my mind.