In Brief in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Can’t go over everything that’s been going on; but I’ve been super busy.
October is a big Jury Trial Month for me.
I also have Couple’s Counseling monthly and Individual Therapy weekly.
I have play practice for two or more hours Sunday through Thursday.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month so I am booked to do speeches and appearances throughout the county.
Boss will be absent for the only Jury Trial Date in November, so he’s letting me know I’ll have to cover that trial if anything goes to trial.
Nala is doing well but she is a 10 month old puppy, so if she’s not getting as much attention or activity as she wants, she can get very “loud cry” and “intentionally misbehaving.”
We’re doing a Housewarming party at the beginning of November which means we need to make sure the house is functional and tidy.
One issue with this is that our kitchen light went FUBAR and we’re fairly certain it is an electrical wiring issue. We need to get an electrician out to look at it and fix it and then replace the funky fixtures with something more practical.
Wife is still struggling away at school. Her chemistry homework now takes her between 8 and 15 hours to do. While I understand that (since math is a weakness of mine and, because of that, I almost failed my college chemistry class), I still struggle with “being okay” with Wife spending all day and all evening working on homework. Like… comes home at noon, still working on homework when I get home at 5, still working on homework when I leave for play practice at 6, still doing homework when I come back at 8. It’s like… babe, I understand that this stuff is challenging… but the average rule of thumb is two to four. For every one hour in class, you should expect between two to four hours for homework. Even if MWF class is 1 hour and LAB is 3 hours… that is 6 hours of class. Double it. 12 hours of class. So 24 to 48 hours of homework would be the extreme max that we’re looking at. So… as an outlier, 7 hours of homework per day. Where she is now? It seems like she spends around 8 to 12 hours on weekdays with it and a good 9 to 15 hours on Saturday and Sunday each. NOW this isn’t me complaining about Wife not spending time with me. This is me honestly being worried for her. If it is taking her that much time… it worries me. Does she not understand the material? If that’s the case… follow up with the tutors or get teacher assistance. Is she worrying herself to death? If that’s the case… it isn’t good or healthy to cause yourself damage just to try to make damn sure (you) get an A!

And the thing is? She may have already. NOW… over the years, my Wife and I have discussed this carefully and specifically. I am aware of Vaginismus and other reasons why sexual intercourse may be painful. We have discussed it at length and Wife has assured me that she has never felt pain during intercourse. This is important to know as I mention the next bit… that and the fact that she and I haven’t had sex since March. Both important to know.

Wife had her period roughly 14 days ago. Yet, last week, she mentioned that she had a REALLY bad abdominal cramp while exercising and when she came home to go to the bathroom, she noticed blood in the water. She thought that was strange and wore a pad for the rest of the day just in case. At the end of the day, the pad had collected more blood. Obviously I’m concerned. Obviously, I am very concerned. Wife isn’t on a 2 week cycle. Spontaneously bleeding from one’s vagina when it is not period time seems… concerning. There are three things that instantly jump to my mind.
(1) Sounds like a miscarriage. But we haven’t had sex in 5 months and she’s had her period regularly up to now.
(2) Could be uterine fibroids. Her mother had them and had a hysterectomy to deal with the health risks and damage.
(3) This kind of bleeding can indicate cancer of the cervix, uterus, ovaries, or vagina.

So… all three of those possibilities worry me A LOT. And yet, Wife doesn’t think it is important enough to see a doctor. She said that she’ll see if it happens again, and if so… then she’ll get it checked out. I come from a family of people like that. The “I’m nor worried, don’t worry, I’ll get it looked at if I start to worry.” And that is exactly how my maternal grandmother died of cancer. So… I’m worried. To the point where I actively told her that we can’t/won’t have sex for a few weeks just to make sure we’re isolating variables. Because if we have sex and then she bleeds… that could be a larger number of “possible causes”… and I’d really like to wait to see if it happens again so I can make a strong case for “time to see the doctor.”

Ironically, the next day after that conversation was Couple’s Counseling where we discussed positive forward steps and the sex issue.
I wanted to make sure Wife and Counselor knew that I had been keeping track of positives… not as a scorekeeper but as a way of making sure I was staying aware of them. I mean… I came from a house and lifestyle where saying “I love you” was an expectation and a multiple times a day occurrence. So, knowing that saying “i love you” without prompting was not Wife’s typical experience… making sure I acknowledge those.
After going over the list of positives, the Counselor was beaming. She reiterated that while, to me, that might be a small list of baby steps and things that are expected in a relationship… for Wife, those were big steps and likely more difficult for her than I can understand. And this is where I personally struggle a great deal. Because to me, I hear “showing you that she cares about you is really hard for her” and I want to be appreciative and supportive, but I’m suspicious by nature… if it is so hard for her, does she really mean it or is it some kind of act?

And so we discussed my suspicious nature and my insecurity. How three months after we got married, Wife shut down completely to the point where the next time she positively engaged in the relationship was when we went to Couple’s Counseling after law school. SO… yeah. Got married. Wife started to refuse sex. Wife only expressed herself through rage, grief, and misery about Wal Mart. Her mind and heart became too small to contain me, Wal Mart, and her… so I was pushed out. Like… immediately after we got married. SOooooo, yeah. It’s like an infidelity of inaction. She didn’t chose someone ELSE, she simply chose NOT HUSBAND. So we investigated that.

What does sex mean in a marriage? For me, it helps define it. Let’s say Bonono or Buffy needed a place to crash for a few months. They could totally live in my house. They’d take care of their space. We could hug and have conversations. We could watch TV together or play video games. We could go on walks together with the dog. We could do all of that stuff. And it would be “living with my best friend”. Which is nice. Don’t get me wrong. But it isn’t marriage. Even if we were attracted to each other at any point of that, it isn’t a marriage. AND NO, this isn’t where I go into legalese and religious concepts. I’m supportive of the idea that two people can make a life-long marital commitment to each other without needing the Church or State to be involved. THUS why marriage is separated from best friends through sex and mutual commitment. If two people agree to be romantically and sexually committed to each other for the rest of their lives… that’s how I would define a marriage.

Thus why the long bouts of sexual withholding fuck me up so much. When I needed my partner most, she checked out of the marriage. No sex, no emotional support, no home support. Just… her, her anger at Wal Mart, and her grief about feeling stuck at Wal Mart. That’s all that was at that time. And the fact that we’ve never really come back from that. The fact that we have sex 4 or less times per year and exclusively when Wife is drunk. The fact that we often go between 3 to 9 months between having sex. I mean… is it any wonder why I genuinely feel insecure in my relationship?? Part of me strongly and genuinely authentically isn’t even sure if my wife is heterosexual because of the sexual discord in our marriage. And if you’re not sure that your spouse shares your sexual-orientation; that is a pretty big fucking red flag. (And before you jump on me for that wording, I’m talking asexual or homosexual; I entirely appreciate that a bisexual person can be in a committed relationship with a heterosexual person).

So here’s the plan:

Wife, keep making positive strides. Keep doing positive engagement things. Really connect with your husband. AND we’ll take all the sex pressure off. It won’t be an insecurity and it won’t be a “when or if” question for the relationship. We’ll set a calendar date whereby you’re NOT to have sex until after this date.

So we agreed on mid-November. After the play and after a lot of the stress has died down, as we shift into Holidays and Family Time and Warm Feelings. We’ll have a Couple’s Counseling session and openly, honestly discuss the topic of sex, sexuality, and sexual expression. Then we’ll go from there. By agreeing NOT to have sex until a certain point… did it make you want it more? Did it make you more comfortable with the relationship to not feel that pressure? Did it make you think that you’d be happier in a non-sexual relationship? Those kinds of questions. So… we’ll see. Truth is… I really honestly don’t know where Wife is going to end up. If she realizes that she isn’t heterosexual… or realizes that she does want sex to be part of her life just without pressure… or realizes that she isn’t attracted to me… frankly, anymore… I just want some answers. Getting those answers will really help me figure out what direction to go.