Because I have a considerable backlog, that's why. in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

I know I just did one of these a few days ago, but that was just a test run that spanned a three- week period in January. So this one should get us up to speed. Not that this is a necessary state to have reached, but whatever, it's Friday and I'm rationalizing, okay?

(Also, is it just me, or does "having a considerable backlog" sound like a potentially painful medical condition?)

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Seriously, back before the Information Age started, you could sometimes go for DAYS not knowing who sang a particular song.

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If I complain about the people who complain about the people who complain about the people who play sports, does that make me a metacritic?

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If you love juggling something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, you were never juggling to begin with. #CircusWisdom

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"I think outside the box." - The most likely answer to "Where are the instructions to this game?"

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I corrected someone's correction of a hashtag game. Internet Curmudgeon Achievement: Unlocked.

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#WorseRealityShows So You Think You Can Conjugate?

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Dailyburn Spokesfan: "The hardest part about going to the gym is going to the gym."
The most redundant thing about tautology is tautology.

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Message on microwave screen: "ENJOY YOUR MEAL!"
Me: glaring at microwave, nibbling on Pop Tart

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In the future, we will all have hovering, solar-powered angst.

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saga (n.) - 1. a long story of heroic achievement, esp. a medieval prose narrative in Old Norse. No connection to crushing candy.

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I try to be friendly with people who have colds, but it's hard to pull off convincingly while backing away and holding my breath.

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When I accidentally included one too many S's at the end of something, I try to cover for it by adding the word "Precious."

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I'm both annoyed and amused by phone calls that generally start with "Yes, I know I'm a recorded message, but please just hear me out..."

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Trivia: The full name of "Hot Pockets" was originally "Hot Pockets Intermingled With Cold Soggy Areas."

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If people say "for the time being" and you think they mean The Doctor, you might be a Whovian.

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Soothing announcer: "We're there for you at the park. We're by your side at the fair and the beach. We're Port-A-Potty. Smell the memories."

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I'm taking The "Read @TheOnion At Work Without Getting Caught By Laughing Out Loud" Challenge.

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I wish I had bought a hundred Forever Stamps in 2007 and sold them today for a $7 profit. It's more than my savings account would've earned.

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Prince's lyric "Act your age, mama, not your shoe size" must have been confusing to large-footed Europeans.

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"Yeah, I'm afraid I can't let you convincingly dress up as most people at this time." - Beards

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When did my dreams start showing outtakes?

(I'd just like to clarify that my previous tweet was no joke. My dream last night really had outtakes and bloopers at the end. It was weird.)

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Other people's minds inspire them to write poetry or invent things. Mine points out that both Snow Miser and Heat Miser hated 50º F weather.

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Radio ad: "We're easy to get to, but hard to leave!"
Me: "So is a ditch."

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I'm suspicious of any alleged yogurt that solidifies on pretzels at room temperature.

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Happy Year Of The Horse! Sponsored by IKEA.

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"Only a Sith deals in Absolut." - Obi-Wan at a liquor store.

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Weather headline: "Thick ice expected Saturday."
How do they know the thick ice expected Saturday? Is ice even aware of calendars?

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The wrapper on my chocolate-chip granola bar featured a chocolate chip with a FACE. Please, marketers, stop reminding me that I'm a monster.

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Sure, M&M's, "Sharing" Size. Whatever you say.

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Obscure references sometimes just alienate people, a lesson I think we all learned from Deborah and the rutabaga incident, am I right?

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FYI for anyone looking to start a Celebrity Fight Club, I checked with Sir Elton John, and he says Saturday night's all right for fighting.

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Moria IT: "I've set it up so that no one can get in unless they say 'Friend' in elvish."
Moria CEO: "Could you put a hint above the door?"

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I will never understand comments like "I was not impressed by this game that I spent 400 hours playing." I would stop by the 100-hour mark.

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Guy at work turns in paperwork from today and yesterday: "I have today's date, but I don't know what yesterday's date was." He drives a car.

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"Roses are red,
Violets are purple,
Be my valentine,
Or some other twerp'll."

(Hey, Hallmark! First one's free! Call me.)

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12 Problems That Only People Who Self-Identify With This Article's Headline Will Understand

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I really push the envelope when it comes to arranging the stationery in my desk.

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This will restore your faith in humanity to the last backup point. You will lose all current data. Are you sure you wish to continue? (Y/N)

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Here is a comprehensive list of all the benefits of mentally beating yourself up:



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If you refer to Dorey as "the Jar-Jar of Finding Nemo," I have to assume that you didn't fully grasp either character.

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An extrovert sees a class as half empty, whereas an introvert sees the class as half full.

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If I had a TARDIS, I would come back and pick me up while I'm hyper enough to do the things I'll be too tired to do later on.

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And I said what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said I think I remember the film,
And as I recall you still owe me six bucks in late fees.

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Sir Patrick Stewart is a Starfleet Captain who'll stop at nothing to become head of The Federation in NetFlix original "House of Picard's."

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It's a good thing I'm not in charge of the hold music for customer support lines. I'd have it play "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

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