Once upon a daytime dreary in Trying to Hold On

Revised: 09/19/2019 2:29 p.m.

  • Sept. 19, 2019, 11:46 a.m.
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This morning has been a black night, filled with rain and thunder. We’ll see if the sun comes out at all but if it does, it is supposed to be short lived. Rain and darkness in the forecast for at least the next two days if not stretching into the weekend.

This morning is an important, if unfortunate, morning work-wise.
My boss has 23 cases that he needs to either resolve or set on the trial schedule.
I have 5 cases that I need to either resolve or set on the trial schedule.

One of my cases is a guaranteed trial. Jury Trial. Set for October 3.
I already have a jury trial in a higher court scheduled for October 22.
I have at least once bench trial set for October.
So we’ll see what happens. October has 5 Tuesdays and 5 Thursdays… so 5 opportunities for Magistrate Trials and 2 opportunities for Higher Court trials. Although, it is important to note that 2 of the Magistrate Possible Trial Dates conflict with Higher Court Trial dates. So… ultimately… realistically… I have 5 possible trial dates this month and already 3 trials to prepare for. October is sure going to be a busy month for me. Especially considering that my Higher Court Trials involve Juvenile Victims in Adult Sex Crimes. SO… it is also likely going to be a very trying and emotionally taxing month.

I’m trying to exercise patience and not allow my own anxiety to overtake me here. But in anticipating that kind of month? I’m a little… shaky… about my potential-therapist not getting back to me yet. Granted, I responded to her on Tuesday to set something up for next week… and I figure 3 to 5 days is… acceptable… ish… but I also don’t like honestly not knowing if I actually have Individual Therapy set up. Because… that’s where I am right now. I found someone local who was willing to work with me who sounded like a good fit… and… I don’t have an Initial Meeting scheduled. Which is the same thing as finding a restaurant with awesome food, skipping dinner, and waiting in line to see if you can get inside the eatery. Like… I’m sure eventually I’ll get in it just… I’m dealing with anxiety, lol. Not knowing if/when I’m going to have a Therapy Appointment kind of adds to that anxiety.
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SO… just had 3 hours in court. Resolved half of my cases. The other half… shouldn’t fuck up the October Schedule.... but we’ll see. Now I just need to wait to see if my Boss has any cases that may supersede my Jury Trial on October 3. I kind of really hope not. As little as I’m looking forward to my Month o’ Kiddy Sex trials; I’d rather do them, get them over with, win or lose bring some kind of end to the Legal Side of the trauma for the children, and be done with it. Holding it out, continuing it, NOT getting it resolved… that just isn’t an option. And this is about to hit the Year Deadline (making it even more necessary to get it done.) If we don’t go forward on October, we HAVE TO go forward in November or the State is legally required to dismiss all charges. SO… kind of important to get this done!
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I was thinking… I won’t go into details, but last night something bad happened (that did not involve Wife) and it ruined my evening, put me in a foul mood, and made me very unpleasant. I know Wife doesn’t go in for those “romantic” gestures or anything of the kind in any way… but I think I’m going to buy her some roses and a bottle of her favorite wine tonight to apologize for last night. As wisely discussed by our therapist, I can’t rush in to fix her problems or our problems because what all three of us are waiting for are more active signs/impulses/behaviors from Wife in her own and our shared life. But… that isn’t what this is. This isn’t “Chris trying to stir Wife into loving him in an active and engaged way.” This is… Chris feels bad about being an ass last night and he’s sorry. I think the line there is safe enough.
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Oh… I almost forgot to mention… this morning in court!

All of the usual lawyers are in the court room discussing cases and negotiating when one of our senior defense lawyers walks in with a ravishing young female attorney. I’m instantly like, “This semi-tall, long straight black haired woman is far too beautiful for our little county. Where did she come from?” And then she introduces herself. She’s The Prostitute. Anyone remember last week (or two weeks ago) when I mentioned how an active attorney in the State of Iowa gave a press interview about how she is a Prostitute in Nevada for 2/3rds of her year? The one who is presently marred to another attorney who just got his license suspended for 2 years for OWI and stalking his ex-wife… and who claims he has no problem with his current wife, legal partner, and mother of his 4 month old child… being a prostitute?? If you don’t remember… I sure do! Which is funny. Because I remember Boss and Victim Witness Coordinator expressing after the press interview “Surprised she can make that much money in Nevada.” Which… definitely convinced me that everyone has different tastes and I’m certainly starting to understand mine. Just… it is a weird experience. Not entirely new, but this was unique. When I was working Pretrial in the Omaha Jail, we’d see prostitutes all the time. And some of them were even attractive women. Heck, I used to defend Prostitutes in criminal court and some of them were attractive women. But this was different. Partly because this woman was a LEGAL prostitute (a distinction none of the others had). Partly because this woman was highly educated and looked rather refined (a distinction none of the others had). And largely because this woman was still an active, licensed, practicing attorney (a distinction none of the others had.) So… yeah. Kind of weird in some ways.
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So, it won’t shock any of you to know that when I was acting… I wasn’t in Hollywood. I’m not Jonathon Lipnicki or Haley Joel Osment or Macauly Culkin or Mara Wilson. I was an actor that got my first “National Stage Appearance” at 5 and made my first movie at 16 before quitting at 20. That being said, I have always tried to get people to understand the genuine honest truth of Hollywood Body. Basically: How does Alexandria Dadario have such a smokin’ bod? IT IS PART OF HER JOB. If you were, say, a baker and part of your job was to make sure you had good bread… you’d make time every day to make sure you had the best bread because that directly determines if your product sells. If you were, say, an attorney and part of staying licensed was going to Continuing Legal Education classes every year… you’d make time every year to make sure you attended as many of those as needed. Being an attractive actress means you are selling your appearance… you must maintain it for your paycheck. That is not only motivation but a time creation. If you are currently working for a production, they will likely even PAY YOU for your workout time and may even PAY FOR your equipment and trainer. This isn’t everyone in Hollywood. You have to reach a certain level of fame or importance. But that is also HOW you reach that. It is a broken, tragic circle. But the highlight of it is

Genetics start you off. Then the fact that YOUR JOB is being attractive gives you time and motivation to make it a priority. Or… better stated? The stories in today’s Cracked.com “5 Stories That Prove Having A Hollywood Body Is A Nightmare”

Love how McElhenney put it when he got cut:

Look, it’s not that hard. All you need to do is lift weights six days a week, stop drinking alcohol, don’t eat anything after 7pm, don’t eat any carbs or sugar at all, in fact just don’t eat anything you like, get the personal trainer from Magic Mike, sleep nine hours a night, run three miles a day, and have a studio pay for the whole thing over a six to seven month span. I don’t know why everyone’s not doing this. It’s a super realistic lifestyle and an appropriate body image to compare oneself to. #hollywood
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So… what do I expect is on tap for tonight?

Well, first to the store for the flowers and wine.
Then home to check on wife and change clothes.
Then walk the dog solo getting even more aggressively eaten alive by the approximately 98,476,293,712 mosquitoes in the area.
Ask Wife if she’s heard back from the arborist about our tree (otherwise we face a City Fine).
Purchase niece’s birthday present.
Begin cooking Spaghetti Bolognese which, according to my diet, is 4 servings of 286 calories per serving and made of 56% green foods. Here’s hoping I don’t cock it up.

If Wife is willing to spend time with me this evening, we’ll catch up on our TIVO shows. If not, I’ll continue to explore the various planets of Borderlands 3.


Oh what a beautiful day encompassing exactly what life as a prosecutor can be like. So today… I confirmed two trials for October. One: Mamma’s boyfriend wouldn’t let us sleep in our own room and fondled us. Two: Our babysitter would routinely stick his hands in our pants and force us into a bedroom. So… really unpleasant child molestation issues. AND YET....
Phone Call this afternoon:

A gentleman on the phone is furious with me about how the Judge does things. He was in our county doing 81 in a 65 (the officer gave him a break and wrote it for 80, which makes it a lesser offense). But he doesn’t LIVE in our county. He demanded a jury trial. The judge set it for a pretrial conference (a standard hearing before trial). THIS is what the gentleman was furious about. He was NOT going to come to our county until his jury trial and no JUDGE was going to say otherwise. And despite saying numerous times, “Sir, I’m not responsible for the judge’s schedule or how the judge runs his courtroom” the man seemed to think yelling at me was in his best interest to resolve this matter. Because I am an attorney serving the State of Iowa, I did my best to inform him of what his options are. Legally his options are
(1) Plead Guilty (to which he immediately scoffed and said, “never happen!”
(2) Discuss a Plea Deal which could result in a plea of guilty for a lesser speed (this enraged him as he felt like I had not heard his impassioned “never happen!”; or
(3) Go to trial, which comes with certain responsibilities and expectations to follow the rules of the court, including the Judge’s orders in regards to scheduling.

Apparently, this man “knows how the law works” and says “All (he) has to do is demand a jury trial and say whether he wants 6 or 12 jury members. This is incorrect, especially as Magistrate Courts truly are run County by County and what is standard procedure in (say) Clinton County is not standard procedure in (say) Des Moines County. But, as he did state that, I made a mental note to check his criminal history. His Criminal History, by the way, involves 25 years of petty bullshit traffic shit ranging from “No Registration” to “Failure to Yield” to “Speeding” to a dozen “No Safety Belt”. So… I’m thinking… wondering… this many… may be one of those lovely citizens that thinks “If I pay my taxes and don’t kill anyone, nobody can tell me what the fuck to do!!” Seeing as he did just turn 69, this would not be an unusual perspective. It is the way my father wishes to be perceived. The difference is, as my father wishes to be perceived in that way, but doesn’t actually ACT like that… this man certainly does. After assuring him several times that I was an attorney and could not and would not be able to change how the judge conducts his courtroom, he finally ended the conversation by saying, “Well, I’m not gonna be there two fucking times, I live too far away!” and then hung up. This, ladies and gentlemen, resulted in me saying out loud “What an ass!” And this is the life of a prosecutor. As I sift through stories of sobbing seven year olds being abused, teenagers being raped, and grown women being beaten black and blue (though too many refuse to cooperate with us)… the most insane, most angry, and most unruly jackholes… are the fucking traffic tickets.


Sorry, got to do a second edit. I know, I write too much as it is. It’s a nuisance to add to the same entry often. Got it. But… needed to do this one.

CASE: State needs to prove that a man got punched in the face, causing him to fall, and received injuries due to that fall. Defendant’s wife says, “There was going to be a fight so my husband punched him. That’s self defense.” No, ma’am, that’s proving the state’s case. Here’s something that is true.... even though people don’t LIKE that it is true. If I tell you “I’m gonna punch you” but don’t have my fist raised… And then you punch me. And I don’t punch you back. That’s assault. If I say, “I’m gonna punch you” and punch you, and you punch me… that’s self defense. That is literally the reason to say “First one’s free!” If you are in a fight or about to be in a fight, encourage the opponent to hit you first. First one to swing causes assault, second to swing has a self-defense defense.

CASE: Boss and I spent the afternoon working out Press Releases, Press Coverage, Jury Control, and Victim Family Drama for some of our statutory cases. Defense lawyer e-mailed us saying, “He’s 26, she’s 15 almost 16; no jury will convict because this isn’t criminal.” HEAD:DESK. But… it IS a crime. By law. By statute. That’s why it is called statutory rape. Because an individual between the ages of 14 and 16 has “the ability to consent only within 5 years of their age.” Yeah, it is a fucked up law. Technically, we should simply say AGE OF CONSENT IS 16. But here’s the important part… was the victim under the age of 16? Technically, I don’t care if it was a month before her birthday… under the age of 16 fucking a man older than 21.... that’s a crime. Your opinion of it doesn’t matter. It is like… say the town asshole is standing in front of a security camera, mooning the camera. A person with no mask on, approaches the man, and stabs him in the butt. All of it is caught on camera. I don’t care if every single person on the jury believes that man DESERVED to get stabbed in the butt… it was a crime to do so.

I know people wish that their individual conception of justice was what defined THE LAW. But that isn’t what we’ve got and THANK GOD FOR THAT. If our system worked based on whatever some random person thought was justice… that would be anarchy at best. What we’ve done instead is allowed every citizen to select the person or persons that they believe will consider the safety of a community, the needs of the people, and the resources of the state… then write laws accordingly. Hey, I don’t like my legislature but this is what the people of Iowa decided on. If they don’t like the laws as written; then they shouldn’t keep voting for the same jackasses every time. It’s easier to win an incumbent seat in Iowa than it is to get a High School education in some parts of this state!

Last updated September 19, 2019

Chartreuse September 19, 2019

I think that's a very considerate and generous gesture on your part for your wife. And can I just say It's Always Sunny is hands down my favorite show, I love Rob McElhenney haha.

hippiechica15 September 19, 2019

Bolognese is a very good place to start! and TASTY enjoy learning to make it. If interested, look up Pasta Grannies on YouTube. I am obsessed, and you see how no frills these nonnas cook!

Purple Dawn September 19, 2019

The flowers and wine are a very nice gesture :)

woman in the moon September 19, 2019

I looked up the prostitute lawyer and can see how exciting it would be to have her in your court room. She (and or her husband) had a blog on their website that gives what seems to me to be clear general law advice. Now if I could just remember her name - simple name - Nancy Crow or something like that.

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