Washimine in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Akusai wa hyaku-nen no fusaku
Kishi kaisei
Saru mo ki kara ochiru
Tade kuu mushi mo sukizuki
I no naka no kawazu taikai wo shirazu
Keizoku wa chikara nari
Shiranu ga hotoke
Anzuru yori umu ga yasashi
Baka wa shinanakaya naoranai
Ame futte chi katamaru
Shimen soka

Val Kilmer’s version of Doc Holiday, while obviously fictitious (at least in part, if not whole) may be one of my ultimate heroes, lol.

Honestly though… the Japanese Argument of Cultural Sayings and the Latin Disagreement between Mr. Ringo and Doc Holiday is merely to represent myself and not some real life or digital debate. I continue to be of Two Minds which… given my BatVillains past would make me somewhat happy… were my being of two minds such an inconvenience at this juncture.

I suppose I should share some good news, as I happen to (at times) drone on exclusively about the negative. This morning, my scale showed me the smallest number I have attained on it in the year 2019. This is not necessarily a thing to celebrate with joyous and glad tidings, however. My weight naturally shifts up and down quite often and never too far away from the stubborn 220. The fluctuations happen from day to day and can be as high as 225 or as low as 215. For example: Sunday morning, I weighed 216.8; Monday morning, I weighed 220.9; this morning I weighed 215.6. So if tomorrow I see 222 on the scale I will not be surprised. Perhaps… disappointed, but not surprised. No… I won’t start really celebrating weight loss until I see numbers like 210 and 205. But I should give thanks and joy from coming down from my starting weight as the beginning of this year I was between 232 and 235. So I have lost at least 17 pounds at most 20 pounds as of today. Almost all of that owing to Tracking My Food, being smarter about food, making my own food, and walking the dog at least 4 days a week.

The local therapist got back to me. Turns out her husband is one of my police officers and they have a kid together. Because she knows what I’m looking at (as far as dealing with the emotional criminal weight) she is willing to meet with me after work hours to make sure I can get services. I’ll cancel my Ass Out of Town meeting on Saturday if I can, then. I’m not entirely certain about that course of action. On one hand, it feels like I should keep that appointment. I worked so hard to get it lined up and I really would like to begin individual therapy as quickly as possible. But at the same time, when I can see a therapist that is 20 minutes away as opposed to one that is an hour away… I mean… the math seems easy. 40 minutes round trip versus 120 minutes round trip.... that is one and one-third hour saved in a day. Granted, I don’t use my time wisely all the time anyway… but imagine if you had an extra hour in your day… you’d want it, yeah? Not to mention the likely gas price rise we’re about to see. 80 minutes less driving can become quite a substantial amount of money.

I know I’m insane for thinking that there’s a chance for my marriage to work. I know that it is highly unlikely. And part of me has absolutely accepted that all of this is going to end in divorce. But there is a part of me that clings to that insane and obsessive hope. And that part is also the part that thinks in terms of “investments” (any surprise? The part of me that thinks about ‘long term financial planning’ is the part that hopes against logic that my marriage is miraculously saved?) And that part of me has this wacky, stupid, crazy plan. Once our marriage is saved and we no longer need to go to couple’s counseling; we take the money we’d been using for that and open a secondary interest accruing bank account for Home Improvements. This is what I’m talking about on Being Of Two Minds. One mind convinced that my marriage is ending, imploding, dying… taking its last stuttered steps before giving up the ghost and admitting that it hasn’t been good in a long time. The other mind convinced that nothing is ever over until its over and that accepting defeat at any point is unacceptable; after all, get knocked down 8 times, stand up 9! And my one mind believes both things absolutely. Which, as you can imagine, is difficult.

One thing I forgot to mention about the Couple’s Counseling on Saturday: Because Wife is avoidant (about all things) and I’m anxious (about all things) we kind of got into what that means and what I need to do in order to be healthy and how Wife needs to be aware of some of what I need to do. For example: Wife is struggling in some of her classes. She told me about it. I brought her information about the tutoring, study assistance, and Student Help Center. Wife is struggling in some of her classes. She tells me about it and discusses how she feels stupid, dumb, and lost. I… get frustrated. Because I provided her with all the resources she could need to get help in her classwork and she doesn’t use any of those resources. Does this sound familiar? Does this sound like everything in our relationship for the last 8 years? Wife has a problem. I give her possible solutions and encourage her to brainstorm ways to solve her problem. Wife does nothing to solve her problem. Wife continues to have the problem and the problem escalates. I get frustrated that she never does anything to solve her problems. Kind of a noticeable cycle!
So we broke it down a bit. Wife is avoidant. She doesn’t like thinking about the problem. She doesn’t like thinking about ways to solve it. She would rather avoid it until the problem either rears its head again or becomes worse. And this is what she does. Chris is anxious. He thinks about the problem from every angle. He wants to make sure that the problem is addressed. He runs himself ragged until the problem is lessened, altered, or solved. And this is what he does.
Counselor turned to Wife and said, “Here’s a good example that I think I know the answer to. Wife, how many times a day would you say that you think about the marriage?”
Wife considers for a moment and responds, “Once… maybe… maybe once or twice a day.”
Counselor turns to me and says, “And it’s clear that you…”
Before she finishes I say, “Constantly. I’m constantly thinking about our marriage.”
And this is what the individual therapy is supposed to be about. Taking me to a place where I don’t have to swoop in and solve everything… I can let other people solve things themselves if they want to and by not swooping in, I also don’t have to feel a responsibility for the other person if they choose not to solve their problem. As it translates to the marriage, I need to stop trying to constantly fix it. It hasn’t worked. Trying to do everything on my own to save the marriage has not helped to save the marriage. So I need to take a step back. Let Wife do some of the work. As for Wife, individual therapy (if she ever looks in to a counselor, starts going, and/or starts participating) is about where she starts thinking about solutions… actually tackling some of the problems in her life, and feeling responsible for dealing with things she’d maybe rather not deal with. As it translates to the marriage, she needs to stop running from every problem expecting it to get resolved somehow. It hasn’t worked. She needs to start taking an active approach to saving the marriage. Do some of the work.
All of that, obviously, sounds healthy and appropriate. And my anxiety and experience with Wife does not give me hope. Remember Wal Mart? Remember how much she hated that place? Remember how every day was the worst day of her life there? Remember how she didn’t even try to look for a different job for 13 years?

Random Song Got In My Head During Meeting:

Two Interesting Bits of Legal:

Item 1: Prostitution. Here’s something I found interesting… and kind of awesome. Old Man, (actually about my dad’s age) I’d say about 70 years old… owns a business. He calls one of his 19 year old workers (female) into his office one day and asks if she would have sex with him for money. She is very offended and is angry. This is sexual harassment and is unacceptable. Back when shit like this happened to my Aunt, they didn’t even have company rules forbidding it… when I was going through school, it was considered seriously unacceptable in a workplace… but my boss has given the Women’s Lib movement a great win. Because women (and men!) should not have to tolerate shit like this. So… we charged the business owner with soliciting prostitution because he proposed a Sex for Money scheme with his employee. I hope we win. Because I would love to open that floodgate!! If your boss offers you financial consideration (overtime pay, vacation days, bonuses) in exchange for having sex with him… I would love to turn that criminal. Because honestly, ladies… how would it make you feel if your boss invited you into their office and said, “I’ll give you a thousand dollar bonus on your next check if you fuck me right now.” That’s… borderline predatory. He is your boss, thus has power over you. If you refuse… do you get fired? Punished? It is… highly inexcusable but “sexual harassment” isn’t a criminal offense (at least not in Iowa). I am really genuinely happy about this. Offering more protections. AND I say that as someone who isn’t exactly 100% sold on making prostitution illegal. But finding a way to make inexcusable work place harassment criminal? In some ways, yeah… I’m down with that.

Item 2: OMG. I find it… curious… that I’ve reached a point in my career where I can be upset with less experienced lawyers, lol. I mean… yes, I graduated from Law School in 2014 so I’ve been “doing this for 5 years” but… we know better. I did not, in fact, pass the Bar Exam immediately after leaving Law School, nor was I hired on as an attorney the year I passed the Bar Exam. I have had 3 attorney jobs and my present job at 15 months is the job I’ve held the longest. That being said, there are some things that (apparently) I know how to do better than other attorneys. Though… in this instance, the caliber of her character has already been literally on trial. I’m working with an attorney who has just returned from a License Suspension (she had sex with a client) and the interaction is… tedious? Last week, I let her know what the Standard Plea Deal is in a Traffic Violation and gave her a plea form. She had questions about it today. I answered those questions (all of which were on the plea form already) and informed her of the plea again; including citation to law and fines. She e-mailed after.... asking about the fines. I responded thinking that (perhaps) she didn’t understand the math and again, gave direct citation to the code discussing the type of law and fines required. She e-mailed again… and asked about the type of law. WHAT?! Are you… this is a traffic ticket. You can literally write “Pleads Guilty to Amended Charge” and turn it in to the judge. That’s all that is required. But even if it weren’t.... what?! The first time we talked, I sent you everything you needed. The second time we talked, I sent you everything you needed. The third time we talked, I sent you everything you needed. I… I’m just astonished that literally writing it up for her the first time, then literally giving her code citation and language the second time… still required multiple questions. She’s not the Defendant… she’s the Attorney. Flabbergasted.

Tactical Plans for Tonight?
Help Wife with the kitchen… in the last three days, it got pretty bad. I know that she’ll be working on it and homework while I’m at work but I expect there to still be work to do.
Take Nala for a walk. Wife has missed a lot of these walks due to school work, but I still enjoy getting some exercise and getting the dog some exercise. She’s silly. On yesterday’s walk, she was obsessed with the smell of the deer on the ground. Just sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff. Meanwhile, I’m trying to encourage her to just lift her head because there were 4 deer not even ten yards away from us just staring at us. It’s like… I get it, your nose is amazing and you can smell colors and everything but the animal you’re “tracking” is right there! lol.
Then I have more cooking to do tonight. Typically, when Wife buys fruit and/or veg, it goes bad before it gets eaten or used. THIS TIME, I bought the fruit and/or veg and I’m going to make sure to use it in a recipe. Whether that recipe will be edible may be a separate matter, but I’m going to use it! :)