Too stressed to be blessed in Piscis moon

“dulces son los frutos de la adversidad” that basically means the more you struggle to obtain something the more you’ll enjoy the results, well this semester better bring some real good fruits because i’ve legit been struggling from 5am to 6pm everyday.
Now all the above will be rant and i might cry writting this but i can’t avoid it, i need to get it out.
I hate having to wake up early because my dad hasn’t fixed ANY of the three cars we have, i lowkey always have thought it’s because he likes having us depend on him and not go anywhere but a therapy book i read once said something about how people don’t usually act to hurt others personally, so for the sake of my sanity i ignore the anger i get from thinking that.
I hate that i choose to eat breakfast because that means less sleep, but it also means i save money, if it were my money i legit wouldnt care but it’s my parents and i hate that they wont even acknowledge it.
I hate the ugly thoughts i’ve been having about my body, i hate that i can’t use most of my clothing because of the gain weight, the silver linning is that it’s forced me to use other clothing i’ve saved up for special days, so i basically just look stylish as a normal now. I also just hate that means i now don’t have clthing for those special days nor do i have money to get any.
I hate i feel stupid everyday at school, i also hate how tired i get at the end of the day because i overstudy to avoid feeling that way.
I hate not having a car, and getting my feet wet when i go places.
I hate the acne i get because of the stress.
I hate how ugly i look without make up.
I hate how i really just want to have fun with my friends, laugh and be me without any worries.
I hate how i’ve been drinking as a defense mechanism.
I hate how everytime i sit down to study i feel disgusting because i feel the weight of my body and how fat i look to everyone.
I hate how i don’t have money for the gym or a job that would hire me for the small hours i have.
I hate how i miss santiago, I hate how he apologized but i told him to leave. I hate how that desicion mean i love myself. I hate that loving myself takes away people from me.
I hate my short hair.
I hate my my nails and how i paint them but then bit them because i can’t control the anxiety.
I hate how i feel like i won’t ever do anything with my life.
I hate wanting to die at the end of everyday. Begging the higher forces to just take me.
I hate how i get mad wanting my parents to support me or give me answers when i’m 21 and i should have them.
I hate that this is the life i have to live.
I hate whinning.
I hate the person i am.
I hate how i like a boy but i feel as if im too much disgustingness that i don’t want him to see, so i ignore all messages.
I hate how things could be worse, and how i feel as if they will be.
I hate wanting to cry but now being able to.
I hate how i just want to nap all day, i also hate waking up and having to continue.
More silver linings? Maybe if i ignore all this, maybe if i keep going, maybe it’ll get better soon. That’s the only thing keeping me alive.

Last updated September 01, 2019