Intimacy in An outlet from life

Sometimes I feel that my husband lacks the intimacy I want.

i know i look at him like I want him all the time. He jokes around it and says that is all I ever think about. You would think he was lucky… but maybe he finds it annoying.

We have been together for 13 years, married for 7. He was my first at the tender age of 18. Through our relationship it was always me who wanted it more. It never dissipated. The “thirst” If anything just grew.

Now at age 31 i feel sexier than i did at 18. But somehow my insecurities remain. Not about myself but for the Love my husband has for me.

It is not easy to be with someone in the industry he is in. The amount of trust is insane. He punctured that trust a few times…

Every rejection brings up the insecurities.

My guy is blunt. Love and hate that about him. He is not good at compliments. I have to fish for them which gets very tiring. He says things like u look good but you could see your tummy. It wouldn’t hurt to loose some tummy weight.

Those sometimes brings up insecurities.

I guess I am too kinky for him. I fantasies him texting me that he wants me asking for pictures of me. I fantasies him initiating sex. I fantasies foreplay. I fantasies him going down on me with out spitting to a towel or immediately running for the mouth wash. I fantasies him talking to me and asking me how I feel. I fantasies him looking at me the way i look at him everyday…

Its been a little over week. i know i shouldn’t be counting but my body is. Another rejection. And yes my attempt lacked the “sexy” factor But god i am tired of always putting the effort.

The rejection brought up these insecurities. I have the urge to go through his phone to see if he gets the intimacy somewhere else. But I don’t.

He works in the industry full of beautiful women.

When he punctured our trust everything changed. My head space goes to dark places.

His social media… We are absent from it. myself and the kids. It didn’t bother me until he punctured our trust.

What bothers me the most is when he documents activities but omits us. It is the equivalent of him photoshopping us off his life. We dress up. I feel good together he takes a selfie… Ugh i bet he gets off with the comments and feedback of him looking good. that would not bother me if it wasn’t for those pics where he purposely omits me. But the most bothersome are holidays and special occasions. Mother’s day no mention… our 7 yr anniversary …. Whatever… I try to convince myself that it doesn’t bother me.

I stopped posting on my social media too.... maybe that would make me feel better…

It doesn’t… especially when rejections comes....

Why? because I am reminded of my feelings and insecurities. Why doesn’t he post me? It is the perception he wants to give but what’s the perception?
Is he embarrassed of me? is just cautious of what others thinks of me? Is he just nervous of messages from others to me?

THESE QUESTIONS ARE ALWAYS IN MY SUBCONSCIENCE. I SWALLOW THEM EVERYTIME.

I want to talk to him. Have true and honest Intimacy . But as i try to talk to him and i swallow tears he just says… ” your just horny all the time” and goes back to sleep.

And now i am here close to 3 Am venting to myself. Hoping one day he will read my entries and really talk to me.