Today I am overthinking and overanalyzing. But the more and more I think about those two things, I have to think of the opposite - under thinking and under analyzing. If I had to choose between the two, I would definitely select more than less…o wait I am…=)
You are back on my mind again. I can’t seem to shake you. This is going on too long now, threw failed relationships and chance encounters - you are still there scratching at the inside of my scalp like an ingrown hair trapped below the surface…tourmentating me. I have other things to do, why are you back here? I have other things to think about, why is your echo the loudest thing in my mind? My heart beats out of control, you know the feeling, you know how it makes me feel - you know this…this…anxiety.
I helped you through yours. I helped you mourn, grieve, and move on. Everything you asked, you received from me. When I couldn’t give you anymore - you were done with me. You have created who I am, and I am fighting against myself so hard to be better, better than who I was and even who I was with you.
Music is my escape, music is the only way to flush out the sound of your echoing voice, moans, and angry screams. I can’t be in silence, because there is your voice. Not the voice that I fell in love with, not the moans I became addicted to....the angry screams, the violence, the temper, the rage…that disposed of us.
So many unanswered questions that I create my own answers to. I thought I gave you everything you wanted. I asked more than I demanded....that’s where I think I went wrong at. I was everything you wanted, but wasn’t everything I wanted.
Once your insults started, once your rage inflicted, and the manipulation intensified - I woke up. I was awake and waiting. Trying to piece back the steps that led us here to set you back on your feet and let you go. You dug yourself so deep that you thought your control over me was to such a point you could do whatever you wanted me to…silly one - I know you. Remember - I loved you. I told you how this would end, you wouldn’t hear from me ever again if you choose to walk away. Remember those times you called me a liar…remember those times you accused me of the nastiest of things…as you have seen from the inside & now from the outside - I don’t crawl back.
I miss you, but I won’t have you back. I’m hard to hurt, and you hurt me. There isn’t a future for us because you chose a different path. After you walked out the door, Benji started to fade. For a short time, there was a Benja that appeared - that was interesting. I wish I had someone to talk to that about that I could trust…too bad you broke that trust, just like the last one did.
Benjamin is breaking out and helping progress this life to the next evolution. It’s funny, you met me at Ben, you created Benji, I did some…things…and was Benja for a while....now…now…with maturity and wisdom, I hope to become Benjamin. I hope for the strength to resist these angry thoughts and breath away my pain and learn to trust again. Because in the end, it is me. I am to blame for my situation.
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