Today is going better. Last night was really good. I received some of the wisdom that I seeked. Not sure where that will lead me. I am open to see where I go.
I’m lost in between the past and the future perspectives of myself. I am not staying still and letting this immense negative energy take hold and rip the cells apart in my body causing pain and depression. No I am lost because the future plans in which I had set up for you and I aren’t necessary anymore. It’s almost as if the castle I was building was lit on fire from the inside…this time by me. This time I am lighting the fire inside myself to choose the things that I want to do with my life and become the person that I want to be.
This isn’t something even I really understand yet, but our reality is constructed by our views. My reality crashed down again…not as hard as before, but this time it was worse because when it was done to me, it was done with the full intention of doing so. But you see, it is my fault. I can only blame myself and allowing it to continue that long. I knew, I knew in the beginning, the first time you lied to me, we were never going to make it to the end together. You let the fear of disapproval into our relationship by choosing to lie.
So why are you still on my mind? Because those memories are the most recent ones. O…did I tell you about her? LOL…I only let that one continue a week longer than it should have…That index note on this chapter of transformation was interesting. I now know fully that getting into my next relationship won’t be a rebound…HA. Thank you
Today is good. Yoga was intense, My run was blissful, and my meditation enlightening. This week’s test is going great as well. I see more of the things I want to get done, getting done. This does bring me pleasure, however it is costing me immediate gratification....maybe the immediate gratification was what I focused too much time and energy on, rather than keeping in with moderation. What is moderation?
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