Sebastian thinks I'm depressed, and he might be right because this is the fifth time I have written this entry, each time quitting in the middle thinking no one would truly care to hear what I have to say. After all I'm here and you're there. Virtually worlds apart and yet still connected by a common yearning, human companionship.
Pain can be a bit of an odd subject to talk about as its relative and yet still all the same. Happiness on the other hand, can be easily shared with people. It's something we all know and understand and have experienced, but pain is something we keep to ourselves because we think no one can understand the kind of pain we feel, that our pain is different or unique, and no one can identify with it. But thats just not true.
Pain is still pain. It hurts us, it makes us cry, it can even make us angry, regardless of when or how it came to us. What might seem trivial to one person could be a burden to another but the weight is just as heavy.
Sebastian is a very gentle person, and has a very compassionate way with his words. When he told me that I wasn't the same person I was last spring, the after effect was like being unshackled from the abyss I sank to. I don't know why I'm depressed, and for a long time I didn't know how this depression was affecting me.
I don't know what the core of my pain is but its there, and it's heavy. I wish I could just brush it off and pretend like its not there but I can't do that anymore. The pain that we all have felt at some point in our lives as eaten away at my identity, and has deteriorated my image. Sunken eyes, thinned face, and uneven skin, to say that I'm ok would be a visible lie.
As humiliating as it is for me, I can't do this on my own, so I've sought help. I need someone on the outside who is uncorrupted and can think differently than me. It's not going to be easy for me, but I have one of two options. Succumb to my pressures and crumble beneath their weight, or build myself up stronger and surface from the darkness I'm in.
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