day off in 2019 Amazing Stories!

I’m taking tomorrow off work. Many reasons. The biggest being I have a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, and I have the PTO to burn. Other, smaller reasons: 1) Its supposed to be a gorgeous day and I want to go on a hike before my doctor’s appointment (Its not until 4:45pm, I could totally work an almost full day if I really wanted). 2) as its no secret, I don’t really like my job and one of my coworkers, who doesn’t work in this office but is someone I communicate with regularly in order to complete my work, put her 2 week’s notice in today and I’m jealous of her courageousness. 3) I also got word today that I am getting a $0.69/hr raise in a few weeks, and I know one should never complain of a raise of any size, but even if they were feeling cheap, would it have KILLED them to round it up to $1? My 5 year anniversary of working here is on Sunday. So I need a day off to just…not be here and take time for myself. I may ask about going on anxiety/antidepressant meds while I’m at the dr’s, but I haven’t decided. The main reason for the visit is to do my annual visit where I tell her I like my birth control and I want to keep using it so i need her to renew it. Not that I have much use for it lately.....but if nothing else, I like the predictableness of the periods and the comfort of knowing I wont conceive if raped by a stranger on the streets.

So yeah. I don’t know. My reservations about going back on meds (I’ve been completely off antidepressants/anxiety meds for a few years now) is that I don’t trust myself taking them correctly. I’ve minorly intentionally overdosed on Zoloft (taken with alcohol) and ever since then (and even though the experience was absolutely miserable) i don’t trust myself like a normal person should be able to. But I’m miserable NOT on them at the same time. But its mostly work related shit, and I would have an entire different confidence level about leaving/my job interview skills if I had a fall back of some sort. And I know i’m probably repeating myself for the 98739721 time. I apologize for my continuous wallowing. a girl needs to wallow. theres a fine line between appreciating what you have but knowing there is better out there if you COULD get yourself to that point, and I’m straddling between the two. I have a camp saying “its not really that bad; be lucky you have what you have” and another camp saying “you could do/be so much more.” but I have zero self confidence (unless its related to physical activity in which I have a lot of confidence).

so yeah, basically just another entry about how much i don’t like my job.