Neurotic Mess in Current Events

I started to have a panic attack this morning, the timing was so awful because I was alone with my nephew. He was asleep and I was just praying that he would stay asleep until my sister returned home. My hands and legs were too shaky, I would not have been able to hold him. I couldn’t even sit myself up. When she got back home I poured some hot water into a bowl with some lemon and peppermint oil and I steamed my face with that for a few minutes. I hovered my face over the bowl and put a towel over my head and just concentrated on my breathing. That works better than breathing in a paper bag, for me anyway. My sister had never seen me like that, she didn’t know what to do or say. Honestly, I only get panic attacks at night so I was pretty caught off guard myself. I was so embarassed.

I haven’t been able to let go of my previous workplace, I feel like I was wronged on so many levels. I wrote all about it to my local news station. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don’t know if something will come of it but I realized how much I was affected by it because the panic attack started just after I wrote that this morning.

My anxiety has been sky high since that attack. I’m stuck in fight for flight mode and it’s raining too hard for me to go for a run so I decided to just face my issues head on. My financial situation has been plaguing my mind for a couple of weeks now so I decided to go to my bank and do the walk of shame and transfer some of my retirement savings into my chequing account. I just bought myself a few more months of time. I can go another four to five months without a job before I land myself back in this mess. I paid off my credit card because apparently, one missed payment will make them freeze my card. I need access to that card for emergencies. I’m going to call the auto shop that I used to go to and get them to service my car, I have been putting that off also. I will use credit for that one. I finally re-uped my groceries today as well, I have not been eating well. I’ve been keeping my little financial crisis a secret. I lose my breath whenever I think about what I want to do next, I want to post my resume on Indeed. I can’t stomach the thought of my previous employer seeing it. The story that I am telling myself is that he will see it and know that I am still unemployed and then laugh at me. That thought makes me feel like such a failure.

I am going to meet up with Hetal one last time before she leaves for India. She has a friend of hers that is joining us, she will be making us both some dal even though she is fasting for the rest of the month. Then I am going to pick something up for my niece because it is her birthday this weekend. Then I am coming home and I am probably going to cry myself to sleep because that is all that I want to do today.

There is no real point to this entry. I’m just trying to keep my mind busy until I have to leave.

Last updated August 06, 2019