Whatever in The Dark Craptastic (July 2019)

I’m journaling for sanity at the moment. I can’t complain out loud. Well, I could, but no one is listening, except to tell me that everyone else “has it worse” and that I should be grateful. Happy. Well-adjusted. Better behaved. Fuck you all. Just because you’re not happy doesn’t mean that I am doing all right. I’m miserable and hot and itchy and feeling exposed. It turns out that having your own room and your own bed is kind of essential to mental health, if you are me. I am currently (not) sleeping on a sofa, because my daughters’ friend’s mom got evicted and they kind of moved in. I’m not against it, entirely, but I honestly miss my room, and my privacy, and quiet, and fish dinners. And I am unreasonably angry because my whole family can remember and advocate for their food allergy (tomatoes) but they have all long since forgotten and ceased to care that I also have a violent food allergy - to milk.

Which my husband drinks by the gallon. I can’t even have him touch me: he gives me hives.

I haven’t had sex since I was like 32. I turn 40 in September. I fucking MISS sex. But I don’t want it enough to handle the hives and the itching and burning and yeast infection (he’s diabetic and filthy besides). I want sex, but I don’t want him. I think my brain’s decided I’m a lesbian now, but I worry that it’s decided that JUST because I don’t want the one guy available.

Who would? He can’t seem to realize I exist. He doesn’t keep his promises. Tonight, he was talking about treating the carpet (fleas are a problem right now) and while I eventually realized he meant to use the powder I bought for my office (scent only) he sure forgot to sprinkle the shit on or even clean up so he could. He watched three episodes of Supernatural and went to sleep.

While I have nowhere to sleep, and I’m groggily navigating this whinebook while on sleeping pills (which don’t work when you keep snapping awake, certain there are fleas on you.)

I need a hero.

But I have to do that shit myself.

I am so tired.