I guess I should write? in Life
- July 17, 2019, 2:54 p.m.
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- Public
I spend a lot of time reading about everyone else’s lives (on digital expressions, and now here) but I share very little of myself. It’s not that I don’t WANT to share, it’s just that I always feel I have very little going on. I do things to enjoy life, but I don’t have a family, which is all I’ve ever wanted, so it feels like there’s a gaping hole in my life. Work, beach, Disney. But mostly work. haha.
So, the last time I think I wrote was when I was in love with Topher. Had that ‘can’t believe my luck, the world makes sense, this is why i’ve been single because i was waiting for this one to come along’ kinda love. He basically couldn’t handle the anxiety of trying to juggle me and his family since he hadn’t been separated that long, and I never heard from him again after he needed some time to himself. I assume he went back to his awful wife, and is living a miserable life now. And so my streak of rejection continues. And I’m 34 now. So everyone I know is coupled up, and I still want children and there’s not much time now.
So, I am dating still, but making other plans. It seems like all the options are bad really- foster to adopt is more affordable, but I want a baby and I probably can’t get one for a while plus chances are good that you’ll have to give a baby back. Adopting costs a fortune, so I can save up for a few years I guess, but it’s an exorbitant amount and then how do I send a kid to college on my own? And the medical get pregnant things, could easily add up to the same cost if you don’t get pregnant the first time. It’s not a great position to be in. I’ll make it happen either way, but it’s just kind of unimaginable to me at this point that I’ve gotten to this point and not found someone to have a family with. There doesn’t seem to be anything inherently wrong with me. I know so many people who are lazy about parenting, who don’t do what they should, who are making decisions that make their children SOOO bad and like they’ll never be functioning members of society. And I know that I can and SHOULD be a parent with all my experiences, so it’s just frustrating to experience that.
I don’t find much joy in my work these days. I like working with students at times, but other times, it’s like working with big giant babies and it seems like we are just busy CONSTANTLY and never get a break.
I also don’t have much of a social life with friends since most of my friends have families now and are focused on that. Good for them, I guess. Bad for me. haha.
So, I mostly find joy in walking the beach with Moose. In rescuing horseshoe crabs in season (season just ended so now what??). And my Disney trips. (Which I think may be less fun now that my 10 year old nephew only cares about playing on his ipad and claims he’s sick and his mom takes him home or we all leave)
So yeah, just plugging along. Was going to upload a picture but I don’t have them on a hyperlink haha. Does this work?
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ July 18, 2019
My sister did fertility treatments, has been for the last 18 months or so. She doesnt have a lot of money but I think her insurance covered a good portion of it. She is finally pregnant after 1 miscarriage.
I've considered foster to adopt, and thought that limiting myself to only foster under 2 (or 3) would give me a better chance of getting a young one I've been told you can choose to foster only certain ages. A lot of kids being born addicted and getting taken from their parents at birth, then ending up with rights severed. I dunno, just a thought. I do know others who have done international adoptions one who has adopted 2 from Chima on a teacher's income (she isnt married).
DE_nobelle DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ July 18, 2019
I will look into insurance costs. I've heard you need to have been trying for a certain amount of time before they will be covered, but at the same time, how could they make you prove that?
I was pretty set on foster to adopt (and think I would still want to do it with a second child) but then I was thinking about how much it would bother me to miss ANYTHING newborn wise. Even if I got a 3 month old, I think I'd be sad that I missed the beginning. And then my friend got her cousins child and she was in a home that was going to adopt her. She knew nothing about the child, she wasn't even close to her cousin, and they took the kid out of the home that was going to adopt her just because Joanna was blood related. So, now I'm rethinking it because it seems like every baby is going to be taken away to go to a family member at some point? I don't know. But I think it's really worthwhile and I think I will eventually do it, just maybe not with my first. You should definitely do it, you are already "taking people in" around the neighborhood :)
DE_karabeara ⋅ July 18, 2019
Your kid is going to be sooooo lucky once you find each other, whether through traditional means or otherwise. He or she is going to have Disney running through their veins! Are there Disney fan sites where you can chat with (single) people? I just saw a study about where people met their significant others and (to no one's surprise) the vast majority in the past few years has been "online". Not necessarily dating sites, but also chatting on forums, social media, etc.
DE_nobelle DE_karabeara ⋅ July 19, 2019
That's so sweet. I hear that a lot and I do believe it. That I'm just not very lucky and it doesn't mean I'm not supposed to have kids or any of that. <3
There's a disney dating site but I don't know how many people are really on it because you have to pay so I don't relish the idea of paying if there's going to be barely anyone in my area and let's face it, some disney people are weird. (i'm sure non disney people think that about me but in the realm of disney freaks, i think i'm on the less weird side? hopefully?). i'm on a few facebook groups and stuff but it will probably come as no surprise that it's mostly women on there haha. i am still somewhat actively online dating but i barely even gets dates anymore, i think i might be "aging out" of the system!