The week after in Darkest Thoughts

This week, I’m numb. I can’t really feel. I can’t really do.
It took me 3 days to get a shower. The last was Saturday at 5pm. Today is Tuesday and it was at 8pm.
It’s not been easy.
From our fight, our physical altercation, from the breakdown and my admittance of suicidal imagination.
I find myself with insomnia. I feel very alone.
I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I don’t feel angry.
I’m binge watching shows. Right now, it’s The Handmaid’s Tale. Already up to date. Started on Friday the 5th.
Got some CBD gummies and a CBD peppermint mouth spray. On occasion it has helped. Helped to put me to sleep, that is. I’m not one to approve of drug use. Yes, I know CBD is not technically a drug, but it is the association and stigma that surrounds it that I guess I haven’t cared for. I was and still am against myself and my household doing anything illegal. But right now, these are my choice and only option.
My depression and mood swings keep getting worse. The risk keeps getting greater. My temper hotter and patience shorter.
My husband took advantage of my situation to get himself a vape with THC and CBD. He puffs on it 5 or more times a day. Not in the house and never in sight of the kids, at least I hope. He smoked before we were together and after we got together and was supposed to stop once we moved in together. We moved in together Sept 2011, old habits die hard, but never go away. He never stopped, maybe for a few months at a time, but it didn’t last.
Now I’m on a tangent and letting my mind run rampant. I’m never gonna get to sleep like this.