Control in Current Events

I am a little embarrassed about the mood that I was in yesterday. The last few days actually, I’ve been pretty salty. I feel that I deserve better from the people in my life. I actually hate having any feelings of entitlement. The world does not owe anybody anything. Everybody in my life has hit rock bottom once or twice and I was the friend that was there to help them on their feet and help them get their power back. I’ve been unemployed for two months and not one friend has gone out of their way to even ask how I am doing. Am I twelve? They’re allowed to have their own lives but I’m just tired of always having to try and force myself into their lives. People here usually get seasonal depression during the winter but not me. It’s in the summer. I get a huge dose of FOMO watching everybody online go on hikes, trips & events that I’m never invited to. I did nothing for pride or Canada Day this year and that fucking stings because usually, I have to work those days but I was pretty available to do those things this year. I was so embarrassed of myself the other night because I got depressed about it and then I started to fantasize about how hurt they would all be if I… died. Do I have time for suicidal thoughts? Unfortunately, I do have a lot of free time but I was almost laughing at myself over it because I felt like a teenager with angst again. It’s not up to anyone else to manage my thoughts and feelings. I worked too hard on my mental health to relapse like this. I could make choices that would reconnect me to my friends or choices to go out and make friends. There are meetup groups for everything, I could volunteer somewhere… or like, get a job lol. I’m a grown man, I can’t be blaming the world for my issues.

So yesterday my sister told me that our cousin Curtis posted a “happy pride from Paris” selfie on Facebook. I was so confused, mostly because I don’t know what is going on with anybody anymore since I quit social media nine months ago. In my mind, I never thought that this guy would ever go places. We were so close glowing up together but when I last tried to link up with him a few years ago he brought cocaine into my house. “I’m not addicted, I can quit this anytime.” said every cocaine addict ever. He is such a party monster and his addiction started to take over his life and that is where I draw the line (pun not intended). I cut addicts out of my life like a tumour now, I can’t risk letting them suck out any of the nutrients in my life… so to speak. So anyway, I went on Snapchat to see if it was true, I knew that he would have 40 cringy selfies for every activity that he does and sure enough, he was in Paris. The last time that I spoke to him was a few months ago. That’s when he told me that he was a full-time college student now. That’s where my decision to go back to school came from. He seems to be turning his life around. I still don’t trust the hoe but we are going to meet for coffee sometime this week. I am really interested in what he is up to. I know that he will go into life coach mode and empower me a bit, we were both good for that once upon a time. I am aiming for an afternoon coffee date, I assume that he will not need to get drunk and do rails of cocaine during the day in public. I do hope that he is clean now, I would love to have him in my life again. He can be a good influence when he chooses to be. I’m not getting my hopes up though, I can see in his Snap stories that he is still a huge party monster and everybody has been telling me horror stories about him as of lately. Getting thrown out of bars and shit like that.

I had planned to go to the university today but it would appear that I can’t motivate myself to go. I still need to have breakfast but I do not have much to eat. I am silently protesting against doing the next grocery shop because my sister and her family will eat most of it and I am tired of spending this much on food. I don’t have any income right now, just outcome. My savings is running dry and so is my patience with them. I am not getting treated with much respect these days. I can’t tell if it is just my salty mood or if there is an actual problem here but I feel like they suddenly have a problem with everything that I do. I just scored them some couches and rearranged their living room to make it all work and all I got was a “don’t take this the wrong way but we can’t wait for you to move.” I mowed their lawn for them right before Matt came home from working out of town and I overheard him say to my sister “are you going to give Tom shit for the lawn?!” the lawnmower ran out of gas so there is a corner left untouched. Like, I cleaned the whole house up and down, inside and out and created a lot of space for them but there was a patch of tall grass. Let’s hate on me for that. They left for the weekend and they didn’t even ask me if it was okay that I watch their dog. Yesterday my sister told me to not even look at her son when I started to approach him. She did not want him waking up. Like, I couldn’t even start a sentence this morning without her letting out a dramatic sigh. She finally had a moment of peace and now I was ruining it? She started to whine immediately about how hard it was to get her son to sleep and all that she wants to do is work on the scarf that she is making. I just don’t feel at home here anymore. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety and depression needing something to be a big deal? It’s not like I have anything else going on in my life. My mood disorders are starting to win and I don’t know how or when I will be in control again.

Last updated July 02, 2019