a moment. in Drifter in Zion

I babysat in my teens, and nannied a good portion of my twenties. I was great with kids. People always said I’d be an amazing mom, and I believed them.

I’ve grown to learn that babysitting and nannying is far different than parenting, and I don’t always know if I’m a good parent. Some days I feel like a complete failure.

I’m hardly as patient as I used to think.

I yell more than I ever thought.

And the burnout - oh, the burnout is super real.

Last night I shuffled between the baby and two-year- old, and by morning I was red-eyed and ruddy-faced, and tired. And sick.

Flu, I thought. Maybe just autoimmune stuff.

Anyway, the burnout is real. It’s not just a bad night’s sleep. It’s 24/7, never really having a moment, of mostly feeling like fucking Cinderella all the damn time.

I don’t mind housework.

I mind shoes strewn wherever, wrappers left on the counter, bins of toys everywhere, clothes on the floor, picking up after everyone every moment. It’s overwhelming, so I give up, until the house looks like an explosion of first world problems.

I hate saying I’m burned out, though. I adore my babies. They are my everything. S is my world. This little family is my happiness, and I really am so very happy.

I just need a small getaway. I need a few days to reset the Mommy button. A few days not wondering if I’ve doomed them to an adulthood of therapy, because I’m falling short of expectations I place so heavily on my shoulders. A few days without stinky diapers, working through emotions, choosing battles, and waiting for 👏🏻ev👏🏻er for them to climb out of their car seats, because, “I want to do it!”

I love their fierceness. I live for their hugs and giggles and sweet kisses.

I just need a moment.