After the episode with George yesterday am, I was kind of messed up for a little while. That bothers me. But then last pm, I was chatting with Lou online. We were doing the usual music sharing and our chat got pretty serious. I was listening to a song that just made me think of George... "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift. It is just the perfect song for me when thinking about him. I asked Lou if he ever cries when he hears certain songs. That opened the flood gates. He said he does but not very often because it's too emotional. He sent me a song and long story short, he said it brings up emotions about his wife. Then he told me that I have a way of forcing him to think about things and feeling things that he wouldn't otherwise. He said he doesn't really talk to too many people but he just really trusts me. He said all of that stuff. He feels bad that he keeps talking about his wife. Honestly, I don't feel like he does talk about her all the time... sometimes yes, but all the time... no. Either way, he knows that most women would have a problem with this. He doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable. The thing is though that I really don't mind at all. His stories are all relative to what we are talking about and they are really very funny. For however much he talks about her, he is nothing but good to me. He treats me really well. I feel so lucky to be with him. I pretty much told him that but I did also tell him about my concerns about allowing myself to feel things for him and to allow the relationship to progress and then for him to change his mind and decide that he's not ready for this. I was very explicit in all of this and I didn't hold back. He was very sweet about it all. He didn't assure me that wasn't something that would happen and I appreciate that. For all of the things I am fearful about happening, I told him that I really enjoy spending time with him and chatting... . I don't want to live my life in fear of what may happen. I know he sincerely believes that's not something that will happen. I guess I had an epiphany. I realized that that's something that can happen whether he is widowed or not. There have been plenty of men who back out of a relationship because they decide they aren't ready for all of that and they aren't even widowers.
Either way, Lou said a lot of beautiful things. We both brought tears to each others eyes. It was a beautiful night.
The cherry on top was the fact that it seriously lessened the pain I was feeling about George. I was crying a little bit more this am over George and realized that the problem is that I miss him like crazy. The hurt I am feeling over him cutting off contact is a moot point. I just realized that today. The fact is that cutting off contact is actually quite necessary. If I am missing him like this, the best thing I can do is to keep contact cut off. He is no good for me. I love him, I guess there is no escaping that no matter what I do. But if we keep seeing each other, we are going to keep (wanting to) having sex. We are both going to feel crappy about ourselves if we do continue having sex. We clearly can't keep our hands off of each other. Therefor, it has to be this way.
Lou actually called me today. He got a new phone and he was testing it out. He said if he's going to talk to someone it might as well be the voice of someone he actually likes. I love being able to talk to him. Sometimes I really feel the need to hear his voice, particularly when we have to go long times without seeing each other.
Later on he texted me asking me how my day was. I told him that my day was fantastic because I finally figured out how to balance formulas (AMEN) and because I got to hear his voice. He told me I can hear his voice anytime I want to.
It really was a good day for those two reasons alone. I am so happy said I can hear his voice anytime I want. Sometimes I really miss him and need to hear it.
So, as the title says, I am so blessed.