going and going. in Drifter in Zion

The seeds of doubt sprouted on my mission, where I felt like a sub-par sales rep for a heavenly MLM: *yes, for only 10% of your grossly income, you can have eternal life (see details; restrictions apply)! *

I hated knocking on doors. I hated putting people on the spot. I hated saying it was true, because I wasn’t sure - because deep down I knew. But like a good Mormon girl, I threw my concerns on a shelf and kept on going and going and going.

I came home with honors.

I attended the singles ward.

I accepted new callings.

I married in the temple.

When doubt started to peek through the surface, I stomped it down; I threw myself into the Good Work even harder: going and going and going and going, until I felt worn and weathered and slightly unhinged.

Going

and

going

and

going

and

going.

Then it happened, the moment I stopped pretending: a late night, lying in our bed, a podcast playing between us, I rolled into the darkness and sobbed.