Long Time in Journal

its gotta get worse before it gets better.

maybe it doesnt get better. maybe things change. maybe things are meant to feel different. maybe i am.

since PTSD, i kept feeling like i was broken. like i needed to fix myself in otder to go back to ‘before’. and as every day or week or month goes past and i don’t “go back” it starts to feel frustrating. like I’m stuck. stuck in this shit fucking moment that lasts forever and ever and wont end. i wanna go back to before. i wanna be normal. i wanna be the old self. it doesn’t help when uneducated people say shit to me like, you’ll get there, you just need to try yoga, you just need to work out more, have you tried going for a run? the next time i call the suicide hotline and they tell me to get some sun and stretch my leg i feel like i will burst. but i dont want to go for a walk. i want to talk. i want to talk about what happened. i want to tell the stories and the memories. i want to say it outloud and make it fucking real and then maybe i can go back to the way it was. i can go back to normality. i can move on.

but the other day i saw a post where someone said no, fuck that. you aren’t broken and you don’t need fixing. you’re just different now. you’ve grown. that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. sometime change can be good. sometimes change means maturity, learning, moving.

ever since i read that i feel so free. i dont want to be the old me. the old me was dumb as fuck. naive. lazy. now im smarte, stronger, wiser. that shit dont happen by itself. it happens through experience. just because that experience was hard doesn’t mean i cant learn from it.

i want this to be resilience. i want this to mean something. for real this time. growth. a different me. more confident. more natural. more me.

i want to be free.

Last updated August 25, 2019