That’s what I got going on!
I can definitely feel the mania ramping up and my ADHD is in overdrive. I can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes or even seconds. My brain is on fire.
Like, I wrote the previous bit over half an hour ago. Since then, I’ve commented on like 3 Facebook posts, had a brief chat, changed the lock screen wallpaper on my phone, did a brief search on allergies… Random as fuck.
I’m also sick. Probably walking pneumonia at the least. It’s a thing that happens at least once a year so I’m very whatever about it. So I’m wired as fuck, manic, distracted, and my body is saying, “Take a nap. You know you wanna.” Except I can’t because my brain would never let me fall asleep in its current state.
I’m also kind of crazy giddy happy. Overwhelmingly happy. It makes me nervous. Being happy makes me nervous, always has, because it never lasts. I’m always waiting for the crash, you know? The let-down. The other shoe. The yin to my yang. Does that even make sense? I’m always waiting for something awful to happen, for things to change for the worse, because good and happy and healthy have never been constants in my life.
That’s a thing that seems like it should be weird, right? It feels weird to feel nervous about this particular happy. But it also feels like I should feel nervous because this particular happy is so happy, so different, so unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. I’m so high on happy that the fall would be catastrophic. The other shoe would crush me, grind me to dust. I should be nervous because I want so badly to believe in this happy, to have faith in it, and faith is a slippery slope. Having faith broken is devastating. I know, I’ve had various faiths broken many times. But I am discovering an almost inability to not have faith in this. It has to be real because there is no way that this person would be so cruel, no way this person is like any of the other people who have worked to build up my faith in them only to demolish it for… well, fun? For whatever reasons they did what they did.
All of my instincts say that this is valid, it’s real and genuine and nothing to be afraid of. I have none of the reservations I’ve had going into previous relationships. There are no red flags, no warning bells, no danger felt.
I think, “Maybe I should just stop worrying so much.” That’s not actually a helpful thought, though, when you’re having a manic episode and you have ADHD and OCD. Yeah, sure, I’ll just stop something I have very little control over. What I can control is how I react to the thoughts and feelings, though. I think I choose to not react. I mean, other than writing about it, obviously. But like, emotionally, I think I can choose not to let myself get all wound up about it. I’m already wound up enough, eh?
Maybe I can just… bask in it. Enjoy it. Let it be what it will be. Let the nerves and negative thoughts just flow right on by. I can’t stop them but I can stop feeding them by not acknowledging them. Maybe I can try to accept that, just because everything else turned out wrong, doesn’t mean this will turn out wrong, too. Maybe I’ve earned this happiness in some strange way, maybe I actually do deserve it.
Maybe everything really does happen for a reason.