not special anymore in 2019

2:07pm

I know it might sound weird but taking a shower has been pretty dang depressing these days. There is just so.much.hair falling out every time I run my fingers through it. Not just in the shower either. It’s all day long, but I’m trying to be better about not touching it during the day. I’m just shedding like crazy.

I get that it’s most likely due to the medication. The doc said it was probably the long-term prednisone use, but it’s gotten so much worse lately that I definitely think it’s the low-dose chemo drugs. I don’t remember having this reaction last time I was on it. I was young though maybe I didn’t even pay attention. This time around I’m actually getting bald spots and it’s starting to crush my soul to look in the mirror! Like when a guy starts to go bald, yeah it sucks and whatever, but they can shave their head and hey they’re just another guy with a shaved head. But women? What the hell are we supposed to do? I can shave my hair but 50 bucks says I’ll get a sh*t ton of questions about whether or not I have cancer and/or if I’m a lesbian. I’m not even trying to stereotype, I just know it’s true though. I mean I guess I can wear a wig but what the hell I barely even brush my hair I’m not about to go through the trouble of putting a wig on every day.

sigh I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I’m just going to go with it and see what happens. It’s not time to make a decision yet. I haven’t reached that point, Thank God. On top of that I’ve been finding more grey hairs and yeah, I’m over it. My hair was always my strongest most beautiful attribute and I’m just so sad about it. I think I’m gonna quit taking showers all together. hah. Kidding. I think.

In other news: I’m getting ready to head out of town again. Gonna go to WI and hang out with our friends then help them drive back out here for their granddaughter’s graduation. Should be an interesting trip. I am so looking forward to time in WI again. I’m already dreaming about all of the delicious food I’m going to eat and the beer I’m going to try. =)

When I get back from this trip I’ve decided that I really need to make some changes in my life. It’s time to implement some serious discipline and self-control back into my world. Like I’m really not supposed to be drinking on this medication and I do ok about limiting it…until I go to the neighbours. So I either need to stay away from their house or I need to be really strong about staying sober. I need new limits. I did that thing last year where I only drank certain days of the week and that worked pretty well. It’s honestly not about the drinking - like I can easily quit no problem - it’s about the routine. I’m so used to sitting down at the end of the day with a drink that I get super bored and don’t know what to do without it. I need to find alternatives. Last time I just had a ton of iced green tea on days I didn’t drink. Perhaps I’ll go back to that. It’s something to contemplate for sure. I feel like I need some control over something, which may or may not be a good thing, but so many other things are out of my control these days.

This weekend things got a little weird between EC and I. At least on my end. I was kinda thrown off by some stuff that he said and I ended up walking out of the house at the end of the night kinda abruptly. Which maybe he attributed that to my habit of disappearing when I had too much to drink but it wasn’t that at all. I was a little upset and every thing felt weird and I needed to leave.

Turns out that he basically doesn’t remember anything about Friday night, which was a pretty great night for me. And I guess I’m more mad at myself than anything because I didn’t realize how damn drunk he was and I should have. I should have known better. It crushed me a little when he said that he didn’t remember my walking over to check on him after he left the room. H had sent me over there since he didn’t come back. He was still awake and we were joking, and holding hands, being affectionate, etc. He was asking me for a kiss in Spanish and I considered it but I knew he was too drunk. Just didn’t know he was blackout drunk. He ended up kissing me on the cheek and I’d been dying to run my hands over his face so at some point I ended up reaching out pretending to close his eyes and then running my hands over his scruffy beard.

Before all this he’d been standing in the kitchen with me and was pretty affectionate although in a sorta lowkey way. I mean, we were “fighting” earlier in the night and he got all aggressive cursing at me although not actually calling me names, just saying the f-word a lot. [His favorite word] To the point where even C [they’re old neighbour and new guy to me] was going along with the whole, “you two sound like you’ve been married for 20 years” thing. They are always joking about how we sound like an old married couple. Geez I hope marriage isn’t like that. haha. Although we all know I get my own kick out of fighting with him. Because we’ve never actually had a real fight about anything. It’s always just sarcasm/dry sense of humor type stuff. Never anything serious. I’m cool with that.

Anyway, so we argued but then later we ended up next to each other in the kitchen and he was running his hand over my back. All across my waist. He did try to grab my ass a couple times but every time he’d rest his hand a little too low I’d reach back and move it up and/or end up holding his hand behind my back. [He did smack my ass one time when I walked away but it honestly didn’t bother me at all. He did it in a good way that didn’t hurt at all and I was fine. haha. H does that to L all the time in front of whoever so it wasn’t anything different hah] It was weird, in a good way, because no one really seemed to be paying attention to what was going on. It was just between us and not in everyone’s face. We just needed to be touching and it was all happening behind me.

He did wrap me up in a bear hug a couple of times but I would start laughing and pulling away from him telling him he was being dumb. It was cute and affectionate, and I was all for it in that moment.

So I was feeling really good when I went home that night. Then to find out Saturday night that he didn’t remember any of it just made me feel bad about it. Like he was so drunk I could have been any damn girl in the world. It didn’t matter that it was me. It only mattered that I was a girl standing in front of his drunk ass that he could get a little handsy with. That’s what bothered me. That it made me feel like suddenly I wasn’t special at all.

I’ve felt that a little before because he seems to be the most interested in me when he’s drinking and/or getting drunk. I thought that changed last weekend when we hung out alone but maybe not.

Not to mention we were supposed to hang out alone on Saturday. He’d been talking about wanting to hang out with me since Tuesday. Even calling me Saturday morning to tell me about barely making it to work and also asking what I was going to do that day. It turned into him wanting to bbq next door, then he didn’t show up, he was falling asleep on the road and needed a nap, so he was going to let me know when he got up and we’d do something later. Fine. That happened last weekend and it worked out great. I decided to go to church since he was sleeping and by the time I got home I found his truck in their driveway with not a single word from him. A little bit later he said he was next door and gonna watch the fights. Uhh…ok. I’m glad our hang out session turned into sports next door.

I mean, in a way it was fine, I’ve never made it to a 2nd date. Why ruin my streak now?

He barely spoke to me though. Hardly touched me. Once on the hand when I’d gotten a bunch of splinters from the wood [we lit the fire pit!] but we both pulled away when H walked by. I think he poked me once or twice. That’s it. Certainly nothing like the night before. Maybe we were too sober.

So I guess it was a combination of everything that found me sitting alone with him at the fire pit at the end of the night with tears welling in my eyes. I think I just felt stupid about the way it all turned out. That we were there alone and nothing was happening between us. It was like we were strangers again.

I didn’t like that feeling at all.

I went into the house with him after he offered to split his last beer with me. Everyone else was in bed except H in the other room. When EC went to the bathroom I was joking with H about chugging the strong beer and disappearing. So when he got back out I told him about this and next thing I knew he’d chugged his beer. I was shocked. Like seriously? He said it was because I said I wanted to go home, I told him that was a joke/being sarcastic, and it got so weird. I ended up pretty quickly downing my beer and saying something like “it’s done now.” I put it in the sink saying “thank you for the beer, have a good night.” I made eye contact with him and walked out the door. On my way out I accidentally woke up H when I whispered good night. He asked if I finished my beer and I said I’d chugged it. He didn’t believe me so I told him to ask his compa and walked out the door. Not even bothering to try to get anyone to walk me home.

Got inside my house, had another half drink, watched livePD on the couch, vented a little to mom who was still up, and took myself to bed once the alcohol started to hit. I drunkenly texted that our divorce was finalized and all I wanted was the truck and the dog. Because apparently I’m weird like that. In the morning around 8:30 he texted back that I wasn’t going to get sh*t from him. I debated a bunch of answers but just said, “I know.” To which he sent a smile. [I’m glad he did because the previous text sounded so serious] That’s the last I’ve heard from him. I don’t plan on contacting him at all.

We’ll see how well I do with that. I don’t really know how I feel right now. Like it’s not totally done or anything. I’m just taking a step back and seeing what happens. I want to mean more than just some one you’re into when you’re drunk and lonely. We haven’t really talked about what it is or could be. I don’t know what he wants. It seemed like he was starting to feel differently about it. I mean I haven’t finished writing last Sunday’s entry but he was very affectionately kissing the top of my head and not even trying to actually kiss me. Who does that when they’re looking for a casual hook-up? I don’t know. I don’t even have enough experience with all this. Perhaps I’m a simple fool.

On the slightly plus side: I have noticed I seem to be working on myself throughout all this without even really trying. Like I’m working on my patience and the fact that I can so easily cut people out of my life. It’s easy for me to be like ok this is stupid I’m done and walk away. I’m working on my communication skills and trying to react like an adult instead of a child who gives the silent treatment. So I seem to be learning how to be better at a lot of things these days.

Growing up - what a concept! ha.

Update eventually I’m sure.

rose.
4:35pm

Last updated June 21, 2019