chatty realizations in 2019

3:31pm

I’m back from my trip. It was excellent and I cannot wait to go back again. I don’t know why I find it so relaxing to be there. It’s just my kinda pace for life I guess.

There’s some recap I could probably do on the whole thing but I don’t know if I’m up for it right now. Y’all know I need to vent about boy things anyway. And it’s mostly a bunch of “we ate here” and “we drank there” kinda stories. haha. I’ll try to get around to it but I’m bad at these things.

On an entirely separate sidenote: I got home, got the mail delivered on Tuesday, and saw an obituary in the newspaper for my old school friend’s mom. I saw her a couple months ago and she was perfectly healthy and fine! Got a cancer diagnosis and went SO FAST! I think she last something like 6 weeks. Isn’t that insane? Like I’m just constantly getting reminders on how short life is and it makes me want to jump at any chance/opportunity but at the same time I’m still so damn cautious. Plus, other people don’t have that same kind of urgency to live every day the best you can. They think it’ll last forever. Moments like these are proof that it can all disappear in the blink of an eye.
This same friend lost her dad within the last year or so, which officially makes her an orphan. Just like that. sigh I can’t even imagine. I don’t know what I’ll do if mom goes first. My guess is I’ll curl up in a tiny ball and refuse to ever move again..

Not gonna think about all that right now though. Just gonna keep the thought in the back of my mind to say “yes” more often and enjoy every moment to the very best of my ability.

Speaking of which: I finally got a text from EC last Saturday. We were on the road for the first day of our driving trip and my phone buzzed. I’d been texting a bit with the client and the neighbours so I was surprised when I saw his name pop up. Basically just said he was saying hi and hoped my trip was going well. I really didn’t expect to hear anything at all.

We texted back and forth a little bit. He got all defensive when I made a joke about what he was doing in my town without me. Cleared it up pretty quickly when I told him to relax and that I wasn’t trying to check up on him. He’s a big boy. I just need to be more careful with my jokes. We got back to normal and he said to say hi to his future suegra. It pretty much ended for the day after that. My assumption [which I know I shouldn’t make but am probably right] is that he got to the neighbour’s and started drinking.

On Sunday morning I was texting with H since he’s the only one up that early and we wanted to wish him a happy father’s day. He ended up sending me a picture of EC passed out on the couch. I made a joke about how come he’s never introduced me to him and that was that.
Until later, I got it in my head to text EC about it. Jokingly saying how handsome he looked while he was sleeping. ha. That started some semi-flirty back and forth and to my surprise last weekend came up and we basically cleared the air on everything. I even told him how stupid it had made me feel and how I was embarrassed to find out about his lack of memories regarding that Friday night. He admitted that he didn’t remember a thing. We talked a little about how I tend to disappear and how that weekend it was due to the aforementioned feeling stupid. We pretty much went over everything that was going on and anything that might have gotten lost in translation and miscommunication. He said that even if he didn’t remember it he was glad it was me, which whatever. I rolled my eyes a lot. Things kinda died out later in the afternoon until I texted a little about being stuck in a lightning storm and never coming back.

He didn’t respond to my last text [maybe fell asleep] but I texted him Monday night to let him know I’d made it back home. He said it brought him great joy. haha. I told him to keep this Saturday open to hang out and said good night. Early Tuesday morning we joked about how he’d said “good night honey” the night before. Then later I started drinking my Tuesday tequila and there were more jokes. If I have enough to drink I tell him how I won’t try to flirt with him because it was such a disaster the first time around. He said nobody likes quitters, I told him he liked me anyway, he said that may or may not be true. I told him that was interesting and he said he tried to be then there was a text about how he doesn’t like to admit things and all of a sudden my phone was ringing. I was still in the car with everyone [we’d taken our friends to our favorite happy hour spot] but I decided to answer anyway.

We ended up talking for a little over an hour! Except when he lost signal and I accidentally hung up on him once. haha. Still a new record for us!! We got home while this conversation was happening and I went to my room to continue talking. Apparently our friend asked mom if it was my boyfriend because I’d been on the phone so long. haha. She told her that he’s probably trying to be. =P [He just texted me haha]

Also during this phone call we talked more about the previous week and his blacking out. I’d ended up telling him on Sunday about how he smacked my ass and he seemed very interested in going over this fact on the phone. haha. I wouldn’t give him details about any of it. Just told him that he should have been there. ;) I’m pretty sure I’m going to torture him about this for a while. hehe. We talked about a lot of random things that I don’t really remember but probably should. Just sharing stories about each other I guess. It’s hard to remember it all. Still so nice though!

He’s been pretty chatty lately! Actually texting me back. Saying good morning and reaching out. Wednesday we chatted a bit in the morning. He sent me pictures of his lunch. We’d talked about it the day before since it was late and he was barely driving home. I guess he’s still going to the gym which is good on him! By the later afternoon I ended up at the neighbour’s house to share a beer since it had been so long and I couldn’t wait until the weekend [it was also the night of the funeral service and I needed a distraction]. I texted EC about drinking a beer he left in the fridge. He’d apparently fallen asleep in his work clothes and thanked me for waking him up. I felt bad. We went back and forth about this as I was going home around 9pm and he ended up calling me. Said he hadn’t called me earlier in the day because he thought I was busy but he wanted to talk to me.

On Tuesday he had asked if he called me the next day if I’d answer. I reminded him that I always answer and I don’t even like being on the phone! So I was a tiny bit curious why he hadn’t called but I guess he just misunderstood and thought I’d be busy all day. It was nice that he called. I do quite enjoy our phone conversations. He even said something about how he’s not a big talker so I guess we’re the same on that and yet we talked for almost another hour that night. He did say he’d prefer to talk to me face-to-face. His work schedule is crazy though. We pretty much only have Saturday afternoons to hang out. On one of these calls he did mention something about wanting to hang out [just the two of us I think?] but I’m not getting my hopes up after last time. We’ll just see how it goes.

Yesterday they had a concert to go to. I might have mentioned it in here a long time ago. I was asked to go but couldn’t commit that far in advance. I thought I’d be out of town for meetings but guess I was wrong. We texted a bit during the day and then while he was at the concert I got a “I wish you were here” which has to be the first time he’s ever said that. I’ve joked about it before but he’s never said it. Even later I got another “I’d be better if you were here” which I then made a joke about how he says that to all the girls and he said it’s a shame I’m that insecure. ugh. Whatever. I told him that I’m not insecure he just doesn’t get when I’m joking. And at the same time he said “you are all the girls” which I mean come on! He could have said that in the first place instead of telling me how I’m supposedly insecure. Silly boy. He’s just as bad at flirting as I am. hah. We went back to joking pretty quickly though. I mostly tried to leave him alone since he was supposed to be having fun with the neighbours and enjoying the concert. He reached out again this morning and we’ve done a little back and forth. The text he sent earlier asked what I was doing and just now he asked what time I’m off work so he makes it seem he’s going to ask me to do something but then he doesn’t. hah. Just curiosity I guess.

I’m definitely trying really hard to be open and honest with him in an adult sorta way. This feels so different. I’m in uncharted territory. At the same time it’s so easy though. I don’t have any anxiety about it. For the most part I’m going with the flow and letting whatever happen, happen. It’s a nice change of pace.

I think about it in comparison to TF, my only recent sorta barely experience in the whole game, and it’s so different in the best way. I don’t worry about telling him things. I’m not afraid to say whatever I want. There’s a connection between us I can’t explain. It’s certainly not the way it was with TF, I’ll admit that. TF and I had crazy chemistry and there was so much passion! But it was like when fire meets gasoline. It wasn’t good.

You know, to be really honest, there was a time [maybe even this time last year] that I didn’t think I would get over TF. I thought he’d be that one guy that you can’t forget. I went so far as to imagine telling some guy some day all about how I was still hooked on this other guy but hoped they would settle for the little I had to offer anyway. I just felt like it would always linger around me.

A couple days ago, I don’t remember when exactly, I suddenly realized how little I think about TF now. And the thought crossed my mind that I don’t actually need to ever have that conversation with any other guy. I’m not hung up on him anymore! I’m not hoping something will change and we’ll magically reunite. I don’t have any interest in seeing and/or speaking to him. I don’t have any desire to reach out to him in any sorta way! I don’t miss him. I don’t wonder about him. I don’t hope for a future that never existed. Nothing. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

That’s crazy isn’t it? How things can change like that?
I’m happy now. I see all the ways in which that whole thing was terrible. I still don’t understand why I got so involved with it in the first place, or why we went back and forth for years! He was never going to open up to me. He wasn’t going to treat me the way that I deserve. I see that now. I think a part of me saw that then. But it’s interesting to compare, even if I shouldn’t, to the way things are with EC. Not that EC and I are anything. It amazes me though that even if we aren’t anything he still treats me better than TF ever did.

But in this same space of time I also noticed that I’m cautious. In a way that I don’t necessarily want to be and don’t remember being before. As if it’s all happening subconsciously and I can’t control the way I put my walls up, stay on guard, and keep my distance.

I don’t think the words he’s saying are bullsh*t and yet I don’t really believe him. With TF I always knew he was only saying what I wanted to hear. I talked about it all the time in here. How it was all bs but I fell for it anyway. That was always in the back of my mind. That it wasn’t real! I don’t feel that way at all about EC. I don’t think he only says what I want to hear. It’s the complete opposite sometimes. hah. But I can’t seem to let my guard down enough to believe his words and enjoy them.

I wonder if I’ll ever get over that? Or if I’ll push him away because he’ll get tired of trying. And it’s really not that I’m insecure, at all. It’s that I’m cynical, and jaded, and maybe even a little bit bitter. I wanted to tell him that yesterday but how do you tell someone you’re so screwed up that you’re not sure you’ll ever be right again?

A conversation best left for an in-person meeting, I’m sure.

rose.

[I forgot to save this the other day, or perhaps I was meaning to add more after I left work but I never got around to it. It’s good enough for now.]

Last updated June 23, 2019