I know that I don't write in here much anymore. I don't really need to write in here. My ocd thoughts of George have diminished so greatly. I still think about him a little bit throughout the day every day but with very little intensity. My thoughts these days are usually based around work, school, kids, and Lou. There are various other factors on any given day but that's where my focus has been.
The little thoughts I have had of George have been with hurt and anger behind them. I know... that's not healthy. I think the hurt and angry feelings may have something to do with the fact that he just doesn't contact me anymore. He had called me a couple of weeks ago (I think it was) so I tried calling him sometime last week or the week before. He didn't answer or bother to call back. It is what it is though and so long as it stays such a small particle then I have no doubt that will just disappear in time.
With that said, he called last pm. I actually rejected his call. That is the first time I have ever really done that. I might have before out of anger and not being able to talk to him. But this was the first time I did it because I just don't want to delay the inevitable. I just feel like the longer I allow either of us to hold onto something that just isn't there anymore, the harder it will be for both of us. I am ready to just let it go.
However, I knew on some level I don't want that. I had a dream about him last pm. I dreamed that I was sleeping and when I reached my hand under the pillow next to me, I felt a hand. I knew it was George. I opened my eyes (in my dream) and it was him. I was nervous at first but it took all of a fraction of a second for me to be happy it was him. I was extremely happy! We were cuddling and just sleeping. It wasn't about sex at all this time. We were just happy to be with each other. Then I started feeling guilty because I was (at least) topless and I thought about Lou. I was actually feeling conflicted about doing this with George and even about having sex again with him. I didn't want to do that to Lou but I was just so euphoric about being with George again.
Needless to say... I wasn't real happy when I woke up this am but I quickly got over it as I got ready for work... I was just in a minor bad mood.
That would have been enough for me on any given day. But my life can never be that easy.
I am so sad now. I go to work and he was there! He's not supposed to be there... he works out of a different yard. I was just so taken back by that... I couldn't believe it! I never even would have know he was there either had he not drawn my attention to him. Apparently, I parked right in front of his bus. I didn't know because it was so dark and all of the buses were running. It was a miracle that I even heard him. But when I saw him I was so surprised, I kept thinking that the person calling me looks just like George lol. He mentioned that he called me last pm and I denied knowing he called. It was so stupid... I just wasn't expecting that. I know it had to have been hard for him too. I know when he found out that he had to come to this yard he was probably pissed... not just because he knew he might run into me, but his (x?) friend Marvin. He has a few friends that work in my yard. I just wish I didn't see him though. I want so much to be able to get over him. I though I was doing really well. I really like Lou a lot. I know I want to be with him.
Idk... maybe this was just my subconscious at work because I worry about my relationship with Lou not being real because it started as a means to get over George.
I have spent the morning crying ever since. I feel the need for comfort, but where in the hell am I going to turn? The gf that I would want to turn to is at work. The other one is gorked out on drugs most of the time and can't even comprehend what's going on. Which then leaves me with Lou. How can I tell HIM about all this? He said at one point that he would be my diary and all my secrets would be safe with him. That was a turning point for me in our relationship. I really like that he said that to me. But this is not the kind of thing you tell your bf (?) about lol. Especially after I was talking to him last pm and asking him if everything was ok. It got weird and I was worried that if he found out why I was sensing something was off (I was obviously transferring my feelings about George onto his feelings about me). I was panicking that he would do the same thing to me that Jose did. Jose pretty much insisted that I try to work things out with George and he wouldn't have anything to do with me once he found out how I felt. I was so worried that Lou would push me away in the the same way. This time it would be soooo much worse because this time I know George doesn't love me. I knew I would be left pining over George all by myself. I can't deal with that. The only real way for me to get over him is for me to distract myself with someone who cares about me and who I care about. I know it's prob wrong to do it this way but it's the only way for me. Not to mention that I'm sure there is a certain amount of that going on anyways from Lous side.
So that was my morning in a nutshell. I'm going to take a nap so I can get some homework done.
Good morning all.