Life Partner. in Phoenix

I have had 2 men in my adult life that I genuinely believed, for a good period of time, would be in my life forever, as my husband, my friend, my lover, my co-parent, my life partner.

Sperm Donor.

Kind of a narcissist. The kind of guy who needs to be needed, needs to feel useful, helpful. The guy who sees women as injured kittens that just need his nursing.

We met kind of by accident. It was summer 1999. I was dating a guy 50 miles away for a minute and then we were just good friends. I was dating another guy (who was a compulsive liar) who really pissed me off one night and I was all screw this, I’m going to my friend’s house in another city 50 miles away and spending the night and getting drunk and not worrying about this asshole for a solid 24 hours. These were the days before I had a cell phone so dude couldn’t reach me if I was out of town, eh? So I go to the friend’s house and he’s got 2 other friends over. One of them is Sperm Donor. And click. Instant attraction. Basically ended up spending the majority of the night making out with him. We did not end up together immediately because I had to go back home the next night to work midnights and the morning after that, compulsive liar guy called me at work and compulsively lied at me some more and I bought it.

I actually ended up dumping compulsive liar for alcoholic and dealing with alcoholic’s shit for a few months before my best friend was like, “Yo girl, why you stupid?” So I called up Sperm Donor and, well… the rest is history. Thirteen years and 2 kids later before I was able to escape what started out feeling like a fairy tale and ended up a nightmare.

With Wanker (#2), it started as a long-distance thing, right? Like, opposite sides of the world long distance. We didn’t meet in person for the first time for 9 months or so. And always, from the beginning, I had a sense of “out of sight, out of mind” with him. When we were on Skype, I existed, but I felt (overwhelmingly) like I was a ghost the rest of the time, not real, no real meaning in his life. That’s how I felt. But also… I don’t know, I guess he made me feel like that. There were indicators.

I have grown so accustomed to having my feelings disregarded as ridiculous and invalid. I became terrified to express myself because I knew it would only make everything worse. I believed it was my own fault, the way they treated me, the way they reacted to my emotions. I thought I brought it on myself. I defended them, in my mind and out loud to others.