1 in The Rant Dump

[I've written this a while ago, but meh.]

I can't believe that my last entry was just three days ago. Usually it takes me more than a week to even bother writing. This might mean I'm suffering. I admit that I feel suffocated. Oh, I know most of these problems are mere products of my mind. But, seriously. I need to get this over with.

I've had a little conflict with the guys two weeks ago. Actually, guy. With Benedict, not Gavin. Ben and I bro'd back two days after the incident. And Gavin, well, he's still pissed at me. Just because he was there when it happened doesn't mean he's involved. He just had to jump into the drama. I bet he didn't even know what it was about. I wish that after being angry (which is an acceptable reaction), he'd use his brain and try to be objective on what happened.

What happened was incredibly mundane. I was tired that day. Too many things in my head, not to mention my uncooperative ailing body. I walked out on Benedict without a word because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't talk. They weren't comfortable with me trying to get better in silence. So I fled, because it was comforting. And, sigh, Gavin. It wasn't even about him.

It really is fine if people get angry for what I do. Because I kind of understand. I mean, I don't think I'd react like them if it was done to me...but I think I understand why other people would do otherwise. I believe he's angry at me, at my being. I know because I already sheepishly apologized (over SMS, smh), but he's still giving me that thing that girls do when they're pissed off with their guy. Silent, lame treatment, with plain replies of "ok" or "good" despite the well-meaning message you've sent them.

And he's not a girl. Well, actually, he's homosexual. I say that with all my love for Gavin in the world. Hopefully, that did not go over as offensive. So, maybe, I should look at him as a girl who is upset? If one is gay, does it really follow that one thinks like a girl? No, I'm not complaining. I'm asking actual questions because I honestly do not understand.

Ah, Gavin. We're friends since first year in high school, so that makes us nine years and counting (hopefully). These last five years were kind of lost to us because college happened. While we were separated, I lost track of his well-being. One day, we were sober; out of the blue, he confessed to me his identity. He was scared. He thought I'd be disgusted. To me, he'd still be Gavin.

I thought that the only thing that would change would be his love interest/s, but I've seen personality changes over time. I thought he'd stay the same, but, well.

I myself do not have many friends. There are just these two-- Ben and Gav. I do have acquaintances, but it's just so...different. That's why it feels difficult knowing I can't be with Gavin even if he's just around. This petty cold war is a waste of time. And Ben? ...I, er, Benedict and I made this deal when we were out drinking last Valentine's (haha, yes). We are not to see each other for a month. It's like a power play, actually. He kept mentioning about wanting to work somewhere really far for deuce knows why, just so that I would miss him.

That bastard. It's annoying. During college when Gavin's company was scarce, Benedict's was nonexistent. He let himself be put on a leash by some girl he fell in love with. No SMS, no Facebook update, no calls, nothing. And yet I welcomed him back after he finally broke off. And now, this. I'm being selfish, I know. I could have ended the problem with something like "yeah, I would miss you." But I wouldn't miss him. I'd be angry at him because I think that he has a different purpose in mind.

So, I jokingly proposed the aforementioned dare. And now I do miss him. And Gavin. Why did I pick such a horrible time for silly tricks. I admit I feel lonely. I've recently passed the national board exams (came out 5th as a bonus), and am currently unemployed. I am bored at home and, sadly, have no particular hobbies to pass time with.

You say I should find a job. I did. Signed the contract already, actually. But took it back the last minute because I've received news from Father that I may be leaving the country soon. He has filed me for immigration, and it might be disadvantageous if I were to have a job when I finally need to process this thingamabob.

Hence, here I am. Struggling with my never-ending thoughts because no one is there to distract me. I haven't received my allowance but have been given some cash as congratulatory gift for the Top 5 thing. I haven't bought anything expensive but the money is running out bit by bit. Blame it on the Oreos and other sugary vices I spend it on. ...Yes, I am a sugar addict. No, it's not weird.