Here we go... in Ruminating

Im upset that I let my guard down… I fell in love with a man and he turned out to be trash. Two years of my life, love and energy totally wasted. To make matters worse I’m pregnant… 29 and pregnant by a man who would probably try to beat this baby out of me, if he could get away with it.

I can’t stand to see children be abused, I hate seeing child bearing mothers be abused, I refuse to be one. Talk about triggers. I grew up watching my brothers abuse their kids mothers physically and emotionally. I still see the distrust, and disconnect because of the abuse in their families because of this. I’m taking a stand and stopping that abuse here. I don’t want that for my life so I will be terminating my pregnancy.

I’m anxious about my fertility being that I am 29. I’m afraid this may be my only shot at motherhood, but I don’t know the future. I’d rather take the risk than to tolerate abuse for 20 more years.

Ive already been to the ER, stress, anxiety and abnormally high hormones has gotten me totally down and ill. This is probably why my pregnancy isn’t progressing as normal also. I’m about 5 weeks and there is no embryo, just a small sac. I think God is trying to teach me a lesson. I plan to unpack this while recovering over the next few days.

Please pray for me.