Old Habits. in Phoenix

I knew it couldn’t hold, my good mood, the elation I was feeling at how well my life is going. All the too-good-to-be-true-ness is holding, at least. There is so much in my life, so many good things and good people, that I have to feel gratitude for. Over the last 7 months or so, my life has changed significantly. Everything started looking up, you know? New job, new friends, cut a dead weight loser from my life… all good things!

Over the last month or so, things have been even better. I didn’t think anything could get better than it already was, but it did. And, suddenly, I was almost quite literally living the dream. I have been anxiety free, depression free, mania free… Yeah. I should have known better. I knew I wasn’t suddenly just not bipolar anymore. That shit is for life. But I actually convinced myself that it had become so easily manageable so as not to be such a huge issue in my everyday life anymore.

Yeah, no.

I don’t know what this is today. Oh, who am I kidding? This is fucking bipolar disorder. This is a massive mood shift, seemingly out of nowhere. I had one random thought and it was all over for me today. One stupid random thought. And it’s not like I have any control over the mood itself, oh no, definitely not. I was fine, I was fine, I was fucking fantastic! And then… this thought… and nope, not fine anymore, not fucking fantastic anymore.

Just misery. Earth-shattering, soul-crushing misery.

I have always had this bad habit of fooling myself into believing something because it’s something I want to believe. And so I settle on an idea, a concept, and everything is good, I’m good, the idea is good, it’s all good. Except that’s not how life works, is it? Things change and people change and concepts change.

You know what else changes? Even when I don’t want it to? My fucking mood. I really want to punch this mood in the dick. I want to rip all these negative thoughts from my head, douse them in gasoline, and light them on fire. I want the self-destructive thoughts and feelings to go back to whatever pit they’ve crawled out of.

Because that’s what I’m feeling more than anything right now: self destructive. I want to go out and get drunk and have a one-night-stand with a random stranger. I cannot allow myself to follow through on these feelings. I know I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow if I did. I know that’s not really who I am. That’s the other me, the rotten, angry, hateful me, and she wants out to play. She wants to destroy all the good things in my life because she doesn’t think I deserve to have them. She’s probably right. I probably don’t deserve all the good things. But, goddammit, I want to. I want to deserve them and I want to feel like I deserve them.

I feel like I’m spiraling out of control, lost at sea, drifting aimlessly and uselessly. I feel alone and afraid and I know that no one is going to help me, no one is going to be there, no one is going to pick up all the broken pieces of me and help me put them back together again. Because, at the end of the day, I’m alone. I’ve always been alone and I think I always will be. Being not-alone just isn’t in the cards for me.

I know this will pass. It always does. It is the nature of the beast. Up and down, up and down. I guess I just didn’t realize that I was in a manic episode? Like, I haven’t felt manic in months, right? I wrote about this, I wrote about the last crash and how it was the worst, almost a total psychotic break. But, since then, I’ve felt… well… nothing. Nothing bipolar, anyway. No hint of mania or depression. This? Today? This feels like manic depression. This feeling scares me. It makes me afraid of myself.

I need to… something. Bubble bath, makeup, cute outfit, maybe ONE white Russian… Can I stop with one? Fuck. I don’t know. I have plans tonight! I made plans with a friend and now I’m fucking terrified to follow through with them and why the fuck?! I can’t lose control again. I won’t. But I also don’t want to isolate myself (even though that’s exactly what I want to do…) because that is a slippery slope all on its own. There is no winning here.

Fuck.