Without Shame. in Phoenix

I know I’ve written about shame before, but it’s a really prominent thought in my mind right now.

I don’t know how to love without shame. I think. I mean, I don’t know how not to doubt myself, to question myself, and everything and everyone around me. Then I feel shame for the doubt, for the questioning.

Oh, it’s all a jumble right now.

I’m conditioned to believe certain things, have certain reactions, to… well, for example… sex. Anything and everything to do with sex. Sex is like That Which Shall Not Be Named. You mustn’t speak of it, no! You mustn’t express curiosity. Definitely don’t ever try anything new oh. my. god.

Like, I wasn’t raised religious, you know? So it wasn’t that, it wasn’t Jesus making me feel shameful for being human. It was just this general… I don’t know, aura of shame, dark cloud of negativity, something… and it’s followed me around for as long as I can remember. No one ever talked to me about sex, not really. No adult, anyway. I mean, high school sex ed was a joke, am I right? And yet, I knew it was a taboo thing, a thing not to be discussed among polite company. Kind of like religion and politics. Yeah, I was taught not to discuss those, either, and yet… well, if you actually know me and we’re friends on Facebook, you know damn well that I have no qualms about making people all kinds of uncomfortable by talking about politics and religion. Like a Iot.

So why can’t I talk about sex? Why did I grow up about the other things, but not about sex? Why do I still feel like an ignorant, naive, embarrassed fucking virgin about this? Why do all of my alarm bells go off and my stomach ties itself up in knots and my whole body tenses up? Why this extreme reaction to the topic of sex and sexuality?

It’s a fight or flight response. Considering some of the sexual encounters I’ve had in my life, it is a valid response, emotionally. Rationally, on the other hand… The reaction doesn’t make sense now. And I can feel it very slowly loosening its grip on me, so that’s good, right?

This started because I read an article about sex, ‘Step away from the porn’: how to have hot sex at every age. Old me would never have clicked on a link like that. Old me was a prude. Old me felt shameful about her body, about pleasing it, and about being pleased. It felt like one of those things, you know? “Nice girls don’t do things like that.” I guess my parents tried to raise a nice girl but failed miserably in most ways. In this one way, though…

I thought the article was interesting, for sure, but it definitely triggered some things in me that I have to address. Like, just the act of reading an article about sex… Why is that so fucking WEIRD to me?! Why was I so uncomfortable reading it? Where in the actual fuck did these bizarre, internal delicate sensibilities come from? They genuinely aren’t suited to my personality in any way.

I am so conditioned to shy away from all things sexual in every situation. I’ve rarely allowed myself curiosity of any kind. I need to un-trigger the emotions I feel, the uncontrollable reactions, to almost all things sexual. Sexuality is perfectly normal and human and not weird or shameful. Everyone does it. Everyone is fucking someone. I mean, mostly, right? Like, right this minute, there are probably billions of people having sex or talking about sex or watching porn or… whatever! Sexing it up! Whyyyyyyyyyyy is it taboo to… what? My subconscious? I don’t even fucking know.

I am slowly crawling out of this self-imposed prison of prudishness. Determining triggers and eliminating them has been going fabulous lately. These are just more triggers to be dealt with. Obviously I just need a lot more practice overwriting the negative triggers and memories with new, positive ones. And a whole lot of patience with myself because this is a whole new world and change generally freaks me the fuck out.

I’m not freaking out now, though. I feel like I have a guide for this part of my journey, and hopefully for the rest of it. I have a steady hand to hold when I get shaky. And maybe that’s all I’ve ever really needed. I can accept myself as fully human and it is perfectly normal and acceptable for me to pursue the full human experience. I don’t have to allow imaginary restraints hold me back anymore. Some of those restraints were ingrained into me from a very young age, but there comes a time when one must realize that they have become self-imposed by being allowed to remain.

I can finally begin living a life without shame.

It’s terrifying and exhilarating. I can’t wait!

Last updated May 19, 2019