Out of the races and on to the tracks in Current Events

Toni pulled a little something together last minute to celebrate her birthday. Her, Ashley and I went to the casino for a couple of drinks and to push our luck with the slots. None of us left with any winnings. I am such an addict and I put $100 into those paper shredders. When our night was over I almost went to the ATM to withdrawal more cash so that I could play some more. That’s when the reality of my situation hit me. I’m unemployed and I am not getting paid. I only have nine weeks before I run out of money.

There was something about seeing those two that gave me a little anxiety. I didn’t know what it was until they started talking about my employment situation. They didn’t do anything wrong but I did not want to discuss that with them. They’re telling me what jobs I should apply for and I just did not have the energy to explain that I was focusing on a career path first. I did know that one of the reasons I had anxiety about seeing Ashley was that she was going to talk about our friend Nichole, negatively. Ash had to remove her from her wedding party and just had so much garbage to say about poor Nichole. Ash is such a gossip and she knew that I was not interested in hearing it. She told me the moment when she was done talking about Nichole so I would stop walking 5 feet ahead of them.

I am still on the fence about going to visit my brother. People reminded me that BC is hella expensive and that living there would be a challenge. That is definitely something to consider.

So I tried taking some “progress photos” of my body yesterday because I felt that I am starting to see a difference from my workouts. I, of course, had to edit the heck out of them and then suddenly I am back to hating my body lol. I am back to looking at fitness models so that I can hate myself for not looking like them. Even the pit crew in RuPaul’s Drag Race is enough to trigger me lol. In my dream last night, I was staring in the bathroom mirror at my face. I looked like me except that my acne scars were gone and my jawline was perfect and I had the level of facial hair that I wanted. I woke up hating myself for not looking like that. I dermaroll, I have a PMD kit and I have 4 products that I apply almost every night in a desperate attempt to get rid of my acne scars. Toner, niacinamide + zinc serum, collagen and aloe vera gel that I literally extract from a plant that I always keep in stock. I also recently started a trend called mewing which is embarrassing to admit but time will tell if this shit even works. I’m too embarrassed to even explain what that is but it helps, allegedly, chisel one’s jawline. Mine used to be the bomb.com.org.uk back when I was severely underweight. I will say that there are muscles that get sore on my throat so maybe there is something to it? I am also on month 5 or 6 of my minoxidil journey where I apply that stuff to my face in hopes that I will grow a beard. I am actually getting results but I still have a long way to go. It’s generally a two year journey for most people. As for my body, I do not have the time to write down everything that I feel is wrong with it lol. I think this was all triggered because I wore a shirt out last night that I bought a few months ago that turned out to look too big on me. Last night I filled it beautifully. I weighed myself this morning and I gained 6lbs of muscle. That’s 4 away from my goal weight. I was ready to start counting my macros until I calculated that I need a minimum of 2700 or so calories a day which is way too overwhelming. That would be 4 cheeseburgers a day if I was still a carnist.

Anyways, I have been trying to wake up at 5am every single day and I have been failing miserably. I can’t fall asleep before midnight so I just turn the damn alarm off and go back to sleep. I want my workouts and breakfast to be done by 8 or 9 in the morning so that I can spend the rest of the day working on that career I want, the job search that I need to do and still have time to get back to doing my other hobbies. I want to start painting again and I have a few books to catch up on. I like my days long and my nights short. I know that once I get my sleep schedule back on track I will have that sense of routine and it will be easier to stay on track… so yup. Also, the weather is not in the twenties and I am getting impatient. Summer has never taken this long before. Anyway, another pointless entry. #thriving

Last updated May 18, 2019