Sever in Current Events

I am really feeling it today. I’ve been inconsolably flustered all day. The day started with our toilet acting up. A lid the size of a Pringles container landed in there when I emptied a mop pail into it last night. With that volume of water, it basically flushed itself down. I hadn’t even had a sip of coffee yet this morning and I was forced to try and assemble a sentence to my roommate who didn’t seem to understand what I meant by the toilet isn’t flushing properly. Matt had been working on it for hours, I can’t bring myself to talk to anybody so I went for a walk so I could at least urinate somewhere. Then, of course, this was the only time that I had traffic in my neighbourhood so I headed for the woods and naturally, there were people walking their dogs and shit. When I finally found a spot to be alone… I noticed a deer was 10 feet in front of me waiting for me to leave. LIke seriously? The leaves are not grown in yet so I had to travel deep into the woods today. All of this just to avoid speaking to my roommates. I still haven’t even told them what has the toilet acting up. I’m confident that I can pull it out when I buy proper gloves for the task. They’ve given up. They’ve accepted that we will need a plunger to get our shits down from now on. I am only flustered because I just want to be alone. I don’t want to say a word to a bitch and I don’t want a word said to me. I am being so stupid about it.

I had such a vivid dream last night about “work”. It was kind of cathartic. I was working at the location before the one I was fired at. In this dream, I was fired again. This time I had Courtney, Danica and Sean to console me. Courtney laid out everything that I was not good at and basically said that she would have fired me those too. That is exactly how Courtney would react irl. Sean just stood there and looked pretty, I was so smitten. Anyways, I ran up to my operators boss and called him out. He then explained to me how he wanted to fire me for a while now but couldn’t because he didn’t want it to look like I was being fired for reporting my Operations Manager’s marital affair with Danica. When I woke up I felt like I finally had some closure? I suspected that was the real reason I was fired anyway. I knew it was coming but I knew it was coming even sooner because of what Karamjeet said. “Brad told me what you did to your last manager. You stabbed him in the back.” I had to defend myself and explain how unethical it is to sleep with our employees. How it negatively affects the climate in our stores. She does not see any problem with it whatsoever. She has no respect for her employees. She told me that at least twice a shift.
I feel that I have moved on from the job itself. There is just a part of me that is wishing for nothing but bad things for Karamjeet. That is the part that I cannot let go of. I want her to suffer. I want her to rot from the inside out. I want Brad and Kirk to see her for what she is and fire her. I want her husband to discover her cheating ways and I want him and his kids to leave her so she can die alone. I want her to have the worse possible life a person could have. I want her to suffer the worse possible things a person could suffer. I have never felt so passionately negative towards another human being before in my life and it’s just too sickening already. I don’t want to feel this ill about somebody. I wish my therapist was still available right now. This woman takes up too much of my headspace. This anger in my heart is actually crippling. I can’t bring myself to get out of my bed and out of my basement. These are the feelings that I have been running from. Literally twice a day, for almost an hour at a time just to get these thoughts out of my head.
Tomorrow I am supposed to get my severance and then I need to do just that. Sever. I need to take the high road… right? Accept defeat? Or should I get my severance and take the low road and destroy her? (Not murder you weirdos) Do I really want to put that karma out there? Do I tell my roommates how I broke the toilet? Do I open my e-mails and see if I got any replies for the positions that I applied for? Why does that thought make my heart drop into my stomach? I really just want to be alone. I would leave the house and go do something if there was anything to do. My knees can’t take two hours of running today and I also need to sever my addiction the Lucifer series. I should get a bottle of wine and just handle things the way I used to. I was telling my therapist how much I missed the old me. He could handle anything but I didn’t tell him that I was handling everything half in the bag. Ok, I did tell him but I also explained to him how I now prefer to make better choices. I honestly need to shut the fuck up. I feel bad for anybody that has read this far. Bless you.

Last updated May 10, 2019