Human in Current Events

It has now been two weeks since I was fired from my job. A job that I had for the last thirteen years. I’ll be honest with myself and admit that I feel hurt. I know how my managers used to work and Karamjeet provided them with something that I knew they wanted for a while now, a reason to terminate me. She gave them my thirteen years worth of write-ups to review and told me them her side of an argument that we had. We were arguing about her ethics. All three of my superiors sat me down with a presentation they had prepared. Tom is a bad person. I defended myself and told them that I was not a monster. That was the only thing that I really had to say during that sit-down. They continued to disagree and I stopped listening until they asked me to leave. After thirteen years of service, they discarded me like I was a garbage person and I have been trying very hard to not feel like I am such.

I gave myself some downtime because I was aiming for a holiday this month anyway. I was beating myself up a bit because I was not bringing myself to apply for any job postings online. My brother in law keeps throwing it in my face that I need to get a job. He says it in a joking manner but follows it up with a “no but really, people don’t get to just process their feelings and not look for work.” Why does no one trust me? He decided to take this week off from work also. I heard him arguing with his boss on the phone. Apparently, his employer is stupid and doesn’t know anything about running a business. My brother in law believes that it is within his right to take a week off without any approval from his employers. It was only three years ago when he was the one unemployed. He did not put together any resumes or collect any job references, he just called around and demanded that he get hired. Three months later his stepfather handed him his current job. I don’t want to complain about this guy but I am just so triggered. I hate it when absolutely everybody needs to be home. He will be working out of town for 21 days starting next week so… I can’t blame him for wanting time with his wife and newborn son before he leaves.

I took a commenters advice let myself be human yesterday. I bought myself a bottle of wine. I wanted some liquid courage while I finally submitted my resume to job postings online. Now I feel like a nervous wreck. It’s all real, this is all actually happening. I’m pretty confident about my resume because as a hiring manager I saw a lot of resumes. Mine will stand out beautifully. I submitted it to other restaurants which was a cop-out. I have the opportunity here to try something new. Maybe I will call my cousin later and see if they are hiring at the hotel he works at. It was always my backup plan. Seriously though, my anxiety is so high now. I need to breathe and trust myself here. There is nothing at all special about my situation.

I called my friend Hetal last night. She said that she can’t wait to laugh at me when I am going to school, working and trying to pay rent all at the same time… which reminds me. I haven’t even started to map out my career path. Frick.

I took a day off from exercise yesterday. My legs couldn’t take another mile of running. I flexed them in front of a mirror yesterday and damn they look great. I like my body from the abs down. My confidence grew 15%, I just need 10 more pounds of muscle, perfect skin and 50k followers on Instagram and nobody will ever know how dead I am on the inside. Yup. #thriving

Seriously though, I need to get out an socialize. I’ve only gone out to see people twice in the last two weeks. It’s been… lonely. My friends continue to be disappointing after all the affairs and divorces and bullshit I got them through and I can barely a text back. I had this epiphany yesterday that I could have been in BC visiting my brother instead of hiding in this basement. What a waste of my time. Speaking of time wasting, I went over my budget and that was the most depressing thing that I did in a while. I get my severance this Friday and then that is it. I calculated what my bills are and they’re already too high before I calculated any expenses such as gas and groceries. I will not be able to afford my car when I move out this summer… unless I get a job that pays $17 an hour. Not going to happen. I will have to sell my car or empty out all my savings and RRSP’s to pay it off. I can’t even think about this right now. Maybe I will go run a mile or two AGAIN to get out of my head.

ps. I waited a long time for this last season of Game of Thrones and it has been an absolute waste of time. This whole show is garbage now. They even left a Starbucks cup in one of the scenes by accident. I just want to get these last two episodes over with. It’s going to continue to be very lazy writing and full of cheap shots for shock value. Lame.

Last updated May 07, 2019