I'm an Idiot in Dealing with the Devil

So I work at the smokers quit line and I tell people cigarettes are like a toxic friendship that keep popping up… you don’t know when that mood will strike but something brings you back and boom its trying to find its way back into your life.

I haven’t seen him in a month....till yesterday. He was horrible before he left, screaming at me calling me a loser, a murder and all kinds really nasty horrible threatening abusive stuff. Done I say. Threw tons of his shit out. Stay away order of protection… He’s not coming back…
I see him him yesterday, raw Shackled in prison orange. I guess I was expecting him to be unkept beard, wild hair still acting wild. He looked good, lost weight, not that I cared about that, clean cut vulnerable. Mouthing what I think is come visit me. memorized with me and I guess me the same. When he’s medicated and acting normal he’s a good guy, when he’s not he’s the demon himself. There really isn’t an in between. I’m really his only ally. Not that I want to be. I don’t want to be his demise. He really has no one. He pushes people away. He did contact other people online but most don’t know shit about him....

My mind keeps going back to seeing him. I know he’s toxic, I know he’s trying to “sneak” back. Even my mom is like if he took his meds and did what he’s suppose to he’s not a bad guy.

My biggest fear is that they don’t do anything. That they let him out and say okay you learned your lesson bye. I went through hell 7 years ago. He spent 26 days in jail, medicated him and sent him to a psych center after. The psych center tossed him out in 3 days after we met with them and told them he couldn’t live on his own. They paid for 1 night at a hotel. He got into drugs and was on the streets messed up and hanging out at the end of my street. That lasted a week till he was barely functioning and I drove him to the psych ward. Was admitted for a week one night at a hotel and again on the streets and again messed up till......guess what another trip to the psych ward another week in and this time I think they gave him a week at a scummy rent a room place. Reason he wasn’t at my house was because I had an order of protection on him then too. I got it. This time I didn’t do it. He had to show up to court and be pleasant and couldn’t since he would get messed up in the mean time. They finally kept him for 3 weeks and was okay to be somewhat pleasant and I dropped the Order of protection. its not going to be any different this time if he doesn’t get help after.

Why after all he put me through?? I just want him to be safe and know that I don’t have to worry about him on the streets fucked up. That he has some stability. He needs stability. As I read one of the doctors evaluation his maturity level is that of a 17 year old. and that he really hasn’t progressed more than that. They are barely responsible but not mature. I have a 17 year old now. I look at him and think what’s so different. I was a bit upset that one of the people I have come in contact goes. Well he’s a grown man and can get a place on his own. With that bad of a mental illness??? NO Is it any different than my 17 yr old son?? Whom is developmentally disabled and has Asperger’s? Both of them can function but are not really capable of living on their own not without help. Why is mental illness not treated the same… Why is it assumed he can function like a regular adult? If he has to do anything different in his day it stresses him out. You know like shopping, dealing with people. thinking about what to do with his day. I mean all the stress of not doing anything makes him need a vacation. Seriously. As if that doesn’t piss me off. He sits in the basement smoking weed from sunrise to sunset. Maybe goes to the gym and reads things off the internet and makes himself food. One day a week he has to watch the kids. That’s it. Everything else is on me. But he needs a break from the stress......