Unquantifiable. in Phoenix

There is no measurement for this, no frame of reference, no context. It’s all just inconceivable, unimaginable. I literally feel like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality, a different, much better version, of my own life. This me, in this reality? Man, her life is so awesome, so full of all the good things, the love, laughter, friendship, and family, the greatest job, the most wonderful co-workers and friends. She has all the things!

You know, maybe I cast a spell on myself. Weeks and weeks ago, (I don’t even know if I wrote about it and can’t be bothered to check), Meat Man, (he’s the deli/meat department manager at the local grocery…), told me something one day, before the last, very bad day, that made me cry. Instantly, very suddenly and surprisingly, I was crying and he was hugging me and saying it was okay and all I could think, and what I said out loud was, “I always lose the good things.”

And really, I mean, do I really? Have the people I’ve lost been good things for me? Have I always gone around picking shining examples of goodness?

Fuck no, I haven’t.

I don’t always lose the good things. They were bad things. I was just making way for the good things. I had to clear a path to the good things, because how else could they ever find their way to me?

I’ve worked for this for so hard and so long and it seems rather silly now, how easy it actually is. Just… letting in the good things. Opening myself to the idea that I deserve the good things, allowing myself to feel good feelings and think whatever I think without feeling some desire to suppress myself.

I’m awkward, so the fuck what?

Sometimes I talk too much and too fast when I get really flustered or nervous or excited. Or if it’s a Tuesday. Whatever. So the fuck what?

Ohhhhh I’m so full of #SoTheFuckWhat right now! All of the things about myself that I’ve suppressed for my entire fucking life are all of the things that make me… well… me. Am I kind of a train wreck sometimes? Well, yeah, I have been. But mostly because I’ve allowed myself to believe that who I am as a human being is somehow a train wreck. I’ve had terrible seeds planted in my head throughout my life and those seeds grew into ugly, dark, awful things.

Because I couldn’t let the good in for so long, because I didn’t believe I deserved anything good, those things grew out of control and started to… no, succeeded, in taking up all of me, leaving nothing for the good seeds that had been planted. Like weeds taking over a garden, over the years, everything good was overtaken, suppressed to the point of non-existence.

So the fuck what.

A seed was planted so long ago, and was allowed so very little time to grow. That persistent little seed survived, buried there under all the weeds, hidden and biding its time.

This is what feels like what happened to me when I saw your face, your smile, your eyes, when you put your arms around me, engulfed me in the purest of love… That tough little seed sprouted just then, sprouted like an explosion, blew away all the weeds and, throughout that perfect day, was nourished.

It has reclaimed the garden. The sun is always shining there now. No more darkness and cobwebs. Clean and shiny and new.

This is the best reality of all.

Last updated May 02, 2019