Insecurities. in Phoenix

Yeah, I have them, even still. Don’t worry, I wasn’t fooled by my recent good spirits. I knew the things were still there in my mind, the rotten things, in a dark, shadowy little corner. It’s hard for those things to keep lurking in the shadows when your heart and mind are so filled with light, but somehow, they persevere.

I feel like I should sit in front of the fucking mirror and say, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me!”

People have said nice things to me before. Lots of people and lots of nice things. However, those people mostly always ended up being complete and utter douchecanoes. It’s easy for people to say nice shit when they’re trying to get what they want. Once they have what they want, they seem capable of flipping their “nice” switch over to “douchecanoe” mode and then basically trying to decimate me.

And I’ve let them do it.

That little voice in the back of my head, I never listen to it, not really. Not when it’s saying, “This guy is an asshole. Run. Run away!” But when it says shit like, “This is too good to be true. You don’t deserve this. You’re a monster.” Well, then. My internal ears perk right up, don’t they? And suddenly, it’s like dominoes falling over in a twisting, winding line… nah, it’s more like someone dropped a grenade on some dominoes… And I jump on that bandwagon with a quickness, usually, and off we go, downhill, trashing the fuck out of me, careening out of control down the “I’m Human Trash” parkway.

Not this time, goddammit. Not today, Satan. Not. Fucking. Today.

I refuse to go through another day in my life with out-of-control self-doubt. I refuse to question my own worth. I refuse to acknowledge that stupid little voice. Fuck that voice. It can’t be trusted. It tells lies. I am not human trash.

I am worthy. I am good. I am human, and therefor, imperfect. But I am perfectly imperfect.

And here’s the deal. If someone says something nice to me and then turns out to be a complete douchecanoe, well, that’s on them, isn’t it? That is not a reflection on me at all, on who I am as a person, or on my value as a human being. I have value. If someone refuses to see that, or tries to take it away from me, well. Fuck that person. Fuck that person sideways with a hot, rusty poker.

So. There.

I just want to be done doubting myself, doubting my emotions, doubting the sincerity of others. The sincerity of others has nothing at all whatsoever to do with my own sincerity. I know who I am.

I am amazing and I am loved.

This is a gift you’ve given me and I will be eternally grateful for it. There are no words in the English language to describe this. It’s inconceivable. Grateful isn’t strong enough to express how I feel.