Shame. in Phoenix

I know a lot about shame. I’ve been shamed for many a thing throughout my life. Shamed for the clothes I wear, for the music I listen to, the TV shows I like. Shamed for not drinking more, for not having more fun, which is really just being shamed for being too mentally ill to have fun. Shamed for being incapable of anything more than surviving from one day to the next. I’ve been called pathetic, weak, crazy. I’ve been shamed for wanting too much sex and shamed for not wanting enough. Shamed for being too sexy, or not sexy enough. I’ve been shamed for my food choices, for fuck’s sake. Shamed for so many things…

And, you know, when you’re shamed for existing for so long, you start to believe it. It sows seeds of self-doubt, and they sprout, take root, and grow into a deep, dark shame. You start to question everything, you don’t trust yourself, you even doubt your own reality sometimes. You never know what decision to make, what to say, how to act, because what if you’re doing it wrong?

It’s soul-crushing, really.

This new self is learning about living without shame. How good it feels to be completely free to just do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I want to listen to some music, I’ll listen. I want to watch this lame ass TV show? I’m gonna do that. I want to sit around with my hair in a pony tail, wearing mis-matched clothes, no makeup, and scroll Facebook all day? Fuck off, don’t judge me. I do what I want.

Okay, it feels a little silly saying it like that, but really. Not living with someone who is constantly making you feel shameful is really eye-opening. Like, hey, I really don’t have to feel like that anymore. I never have to feel like that again. I don’t have to allow it. I choose, and I reserve the right to remove anyone from my life if they make me feel shameful in any way. I am a weird, quirky mentally ill woman who is kicking the shit out of mental illness and life. I’m raising brilliant children and I give and receive love that is beyond my imagination. I’m winning!

I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

Last updated April 29, 2019