Dear You... in Phoenix

You came into my life at a time when I was innocent, naive, ignorant of the ways of boys and girls, men and women. I’ve spent as much time as possible, over nearly 30 years, only being capable of observing you from afar. I never imagined a boy like you would notice a girl like me.

I remember a painfully awkward 12-year-old me seeing you for the first time. I have no memory of the location, the time, the day, but I remember seeing your face for the first time and thinking, “That is the cutest boy I’ve ever seen!” For 2 years, every time I saw you, I would look away before you could notice I was looking. No way a boy like you would ever notice a girl like me. No way.

But then you noticed me! For a sweet, brief moment in time, you noticed me. And then you were gone, but not really, not at first. I still saw you everywhere, every chance I got. I would look at your face from across a room or down a hallway, or glance at you if you passed by, just hoping you wouldn’t notice me looking.

And time went on, and life went on, and then the possibility of ever seeing you again all but disappeared. And, for years and years, I thought of you often and so fondly and wondered how you were doing and if you were happy. All I could ever imagine of you was that you had become someone incredible and were living a wonderful, happy life. I would catch myself thinking of you at the strangest times. Whenever I saw a Ferris wheel (of course!), a certain type of sunglasses, whenever I’ve been in movie theaters… It was always you there in my mind, suddenly, and it always made me feel happy and warm and hopeful that you had turned out with a much better life than I had, because you deserved it. There was always something about you that just screamed goodness and kindness and worth.

You have always represented, in my mind, an ideal of some kind. I’m not even certain that “ideal” is the best word. I’m not positive I even have the right words to describe the special place you’ve always held within me. You touched my life in some way all those years ago. You left an imprint on my soul. You were never forgotten and never far from my mind, and for reasons that are completely unfathomable to me.

I have been peeking at your profile, admiring your art, for years. When I was first actually becoming active on Facebook, I remember seeking you out through a mutual friend and just… looking. Oh, how wonderful you’d become! Such an incredible artist! And that was enough. Really, it was. I would have been content to creep you on Facebook for the rest of my life. Of course, I didn’t believe I’d ever be able to do any more than that. And then you sent me a friend request. Oh my, I remember the thrill, the shiver that went up my spine, on that day. (I couldn’t remember exactly what the date was that day and was shocked when I looked and it was less than 2 years ago!) I also remember thinking, “Why in the world would he want to be friends with me?!?!?”

And then you messaged me one day and… Well, I just went back through our entire chat history, to the very first message (Facebook does not make this scrolling easy, but it was actually a surprisingly short history) you ever sent me. And I just scrolled a bit down from there, reading and cringing at my obvious (to me) awkwardness. I had no idea how to talk to you!

Now that we’ve (rather fully) reconnected and I’m learning more about your life and how you came to be this beautiful, incredible human you are today, something has broken open inside me. I’ve already said it more times than I can count, but I want to write it, you know, for posterity. You are the icing on my cake. Everything was so terrible for so long and I was so unhappy and then amazing things started happening to me, like an avalanche of fantastic. Suddenly, there you were again, in my inbox, checking on me, extending the offer of friendship and so much kindness, and then expressing interest in reading this very journal. Oh, I couldn’t believe it was really happening. Why on earth would you be interested in reading my mad ramblings?! What is happening here?! And you kept talking to me, and the things you said were so kind and supportive and made sense and no one has ever talked to me that way, not like you did, and still do.

You said to me today that I am never awkward to you. And I thanked you and said you have no idea how much that means to me. Because I have always been awkward as fuck. I was born awkward, raised awkward, constantly reminded throughout my life that I’m awkward. I’ve had men tell me, “Yes, you’re awkward, but I love you anyway.” As if they loved me in spite of my awkwardness and not because of it. You make me feel like my awkwardness is just fucking perfect, something to be embraced and flaunted, even. You make me feel unique, special in a way that I’ve never felt before. You’ve awakened something in me, or set something free. But, for the first time in my life, I feel truly alive.

You’ve brought me back to life, back from the brink of… I don’t know what. You were that last nudge that I needed to take that last step towards a new life, a new me, new possibilities and new experiences. No matter where the future takes us, I will be eternally grateful for all that you are and for having the chance to know you and learn from you. And I will continue to grow into whatever it is I will be, forever marked by you. You will always be a branch on my life tree, forever connected in an inalienable way. The branch with the sweetest of fruit.

I love you. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, with all that I am and all that I will be, thank you.