Well this is very pleasant.
For once I’m finally getting a chance to sit out in the front garden soaking up the sun, listening to some beautiful birdsong and catching up on here. I have a real thing about sitting in it if the grass is needing cut or it needs weeded and a couple of weeks ago managed to get out on the only decent day we had and get the edges trimmed, bag up all the rubbish and leaves, prune the bushes, do a bit of weeding and generally tidy it all up. The night before I’d grabbed the chance of a dry spell to get the first summer cut of the grass so it was looking bonny and I was really looking forward to sitting in the sun enjoying the fruits of my labour so to speak - then the weather completely changed - Sod’s Law!
But that meant I only basically had to cut the grass last week which I did on Saturday afternoon so today, sun shining, I’ve sat outside and caught up with my diary then written this.
That also means things are a bit better healthwise which I’m very glad to report (and terrified to in case I jinx anything!). For me to get all the garden done in one afternoon is huge in itself - but also not to then have to ‘pay for it’ in the days following - also huge - and that makes a massive difference to what I can get done in a week in general. Normally I spend so much time trying to take care of the basics and not managing - that there’s no time left for ‘extras’ of the pleasurable stuff so then that results in a massive imbalance of chores versus pleasure because I never reach the pleasure part or have the energy left for it if I do by any chance get caught up!
That’s why I make sure I don’t miss table tennis or Italian because that at least provides some social interaction which I usually enjoy and I notice a difference when I’ve had to miss either of them for any reason. I’ve built up good friendships at the table tennis and we go for a cup of tea in the café after we’ve played now and sit and yak for a good hour or two which is nice.
I don’t manage very much other socialising at the moment because I’m still having a hard time doing anything in the evenings and of course mornings are completely out just now. I can never seem to get past 8.30 p.m. for some reason before becoming exhausted and ill and then I have to get myself home asap. That curtails things somewhat on the friendship front as I can’t just go to groups or events as I please - I always have to do that horrible pacing and watch I’m not overdoing it. Which isn’t a very enjoyable way to live.
I was reminded of this when a guy I’d gone out with in 2012 got back in contact a few months ago and after several weeks of messaging back and fore, suggested meeting up. I had mentioned the chronic fatigue but not in any great detail so said I would struggle to go out in the evening and it might need to be a cup of tea some afternoon. He was okay with that so, one Friday at the end of March, he was off work for a long weekend and not doing anything special. I was having a major struggle at that particular time but wanted to test myself and see if I could still do stuff while feeling ghastly so asked if he wanted to go for the cuppa that afternoon. He did and we met in a neighbouring village.
It went well although I would have been more impressed if he’d changed out of his t-shirt and shorts before he’d come - I mean it WAS a nice day but we’re not talking about someone who is fit here - he’s several stone heavier than he was when I saw him last so the t-shirt and shorts just ....... no.
Apart from that though we got on well and I could tell he was angling to continue the date into teatime. In the old days I would have been up for that but after 2 hours of chat, I was exhausted and needed to get home so it was awkward trying to get that across without it sounding personal. However he messaged me afterwards (so I couldn’t have blown it completely) but in the course of that conversation, I mentioned that I had gone to the supermarket in the next town before I had gone home then, because it was still such a nice night, I’d walked along the riverbank for half an hour. That prompted him to tell me of a nice walk in a little village called Collieston, a pretty little place on the coast -
which involved a bit of trampling through some clifftop marshes for a mile and a half. And that made me realise I can’t do that - the most I can manage on a walk is half an hour otherwise I do the inevitable ‘paying for it’ the next day.
Which, in turn, made me realise, very few folk are going to accommodate this.
I don’t say this in any pitiful way - more as a practical observation - it’s just depressing when the realisation of the limitations hits me full force sometimes.
As I write, I’m assaulted by the noise of a nest of baby birds which Mum and Dad Bird have built in the eaves of my house. They first appeared 2 years ago and I was amazed at the racket but loved the fact there was a little family being raised - loved the fact even more that it was happening at the front of the house and therefore heard in my spare bedroom rather than my own bedroom! Of course I had two hunting cats in the shape of Willow and Snarf at that point and was a bit worried there would be death and destruction as the little ones learned to fly. There was only one casualty left on my path one day - and I can tell you for certain that the next time I appeared out of the house, I was severely berated by Mama Bird for not telling her I had furry death machines living with me while she was looking for a house!!
I was delighted when last year and this they appeared back again and even more so because they only have Bailey to contend with now - and his forays outside only consist of poking his head out of the front door in the morning for about 5 minutes so they’re quite safe! But I’m convinced there have been two families living there - there seemed to be different-sounding birds several weeks ago then silence for a while then this family appeared. Can that happen?
The other thing which has made some progress in the right direction is my relationship with Nikki which is slowly but surely getting back on track. It was still pretty dire as recently as 3 weeks ago when she hardly spoke to me at Lily’s swimming lesson and was obviously pissed off at me. Two weeks previously I’d made the mistake of suggesting to my brother, Ian, and his wife Margaret, who were through for a few days, that they could perhaps pop into the Leisure Centre (where Lily has her lesson) to see Ruari. This was because Nikki had got completely stressed when my sister & her youngest with her 2 boys had come down for a visit not long before that and Ian’s daughter, Catriona, stays literally 5 minutes away from the Leisure Centre so I thought it might save them going out to Nikki's house and therefore save her some stress. Ian & Margaret are often over at Catriona's in the afternoon when they're through to see their grandson Matt.
When I mentioned this to Nikki she said it was stressful enough trying to manage everything on a Thursday as it was so no, that wasn’t a good idea. Fair enough. I passed that on to Ian and he replied so definitely got the message.
However Ian is 71 and has been getting very forgetful in the past year or two - it was really bad around autumn of last year then he discovered during a routine test that he’d apparently had a TMI (small stroke) in October which explained a lot. It seemed to be getting worse again recently though so I wasn’t unduly surprised when I saw him walking into the Centre that Thursday afternoon just after Nikki had taken Lily downstairs to get changed. I was facing the steps leading down to the bit where we sit to watch Lily and honestly if you could have seen her face when she saw Ian ...... let’s just say if looks could kill I wouldn’t be here writing this now! She hardly spoke to him the whole time he was there.
The following week she made some crappy excuse about wanting to try and do the whole swimming thing on her own with the 3 kids ‘as it had been a bit stressful recently especially with Ian coming last week’ which would have been perfectly feasible had she not already done exactly that 3 weeks after Ruari was born! So I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go and I honestly thought this was going to start a whole new drama but all was ok the next Thursday - apart from the fact she didn’t speak to me. Literally.
So that Saturday I didn't know what to do. Normally I go out to her house on the Saturdays when the kids are not at Joel’s then on the other Saturdays if she wants to do something with me she lets me know but since Ruari’s been born I’ve kinda felt I should really be going out every week. That wouldn’t be a problem but with her in those moods, it could be a pretty miserable affair! It’s not so bad when the girls are there - they act as a buffer when things are strained and I can tolerate it better.
So I was in a dilemma.
I decided to text to see if Joel had taken the kids (Jane was in Spain so there was a chance he’d come up with some excuse cos he relies on her a lot to help out). She said yes and did I still have plans for that day? I’d been going to go out with my friend Janice but her oldest daughter had appeared unexpectedly so we’d postponed it. When I told her that she asked could she come through and we could maybe sit out in the front garden and play Scrabble (it was a sunny day)? I willingly agreed, glad I didn’t have the drive out to Pitmedden and back to contend with for once.
So she arrived in about twoish and it was just like the last 2 years hadn’t happened. Honestly it couldn’t have been a nicer day. We sat out the front but spent the first hour just playing with Ruari who’d begun smiling that week and was delighting everyone he met.
I just love the love she has for him - I was worried because she ended up hating Duncan (his dad) so much that it would affect the relationship between them but she's clearly besotted with him.
The interaction between Nikki and I was exactly like we’d had before - normal mum & daughter stuff - tiny little things happening which just hadn’t been happening up to that point - those of you who have been in a fractured relationship with a son or daughter will know what I mean. I’m sure I looked completely gobsmacked most of the time - I know I felt gobsmacked - I kept thinking I was in some kind of dream and was going to wake up from it any second! It helped tremendously that I felt particularly well that day too so I didn’t have any of the usual awful exhaustion after a few hours to contend with and in fact she stayed until 10.30 in the evening which was lovely.
We ended up playing Mastermind eventually instead of Scrabble and when she won the first game she laughed and said “Oh I feel really brainy now” then paused and said “I’m thinking of going to University.” I laughed thinking one statement connected to the other but then realised she was deadly serious! Turns out she wants to do a BSc in Midwifery at one of our local universities - a 3 year course combining various modules at the University and the Maternity Hospital.
But this is what impressed me the most. She hadn’t done her usual Nikki Mode of Action “I want a baby - I have no idea how I’m going to support said baby or where I’m going to live with said baby but I don’t give a shit” - she’d looked into it properly - what’s involved, what’s needed to get onto the course, funding, what childcare she would need, spoken to people who worked at the Maternity Hospital - all the normal stuff you do if you take responsibility for something you want to do - and the bit Nikki normally bypasses!!
So I was even more gobsmacked at that but absolutely delighted! I don’t doubt for a minute she could do it. She has an excellent brain and when she sets her mind to something and has a goal to work towards she usually does okay - so yes it’s a hard enough thing to do in itself never mind with 3 kids under 6 but if she just takes it step by step she’ll be fine. She was surprised but pleased at my reaction - she thought I’d be all “What the hell are you thinking??” but she forgets I’m her mum - I know what she’s capable of.
Long term readers may remember the nightmare I had with her trying to get her to go to school from around age 13 onwards and then when she left school, the same nightmare trying to get her to go to work! But that settled when she found her dream job in a local nursery and she worked her way up to the Manager of the Baby Unit and took SVQ exams at the same time getting up to Level 4 which is good as it looks like those qualifications may make up for the fact she has no Higher Grades. She has herself booked in for an Open Day for the course on the 2nd July so she’ll get all the relevant info then.
And things have been absolutely fine since that day. Which is bizarre in itself. But I’d always said I’d made a decision to ‘keep the door open’ because I’d seen enough trauma from families torn apart due to horrible feuds which had started with much less than we’ve gone through. I’ll be honest though - if those two little girls hadn’t been in existence I’m not sure I could have let her away with what she did or been so active in her life - it was those two who kept me going out there and putting up with her shenanigans for that length of time.
The usual apologies for the length of this - I just wanted to let you know that things were better all round and that needed a bit of detail. One of my future goals is to write more frequently with shorter entries and I will work towards that - honest - but all I can do right now is aim for an entry a month. Not counting the hundreds of entries I write in my head on a weekly basis of course! Don’t we all do that though!
For once I’m finally getting a chance to sit out in the front garden soaking up the sun, listening to some beautiful birdsong and catching up on here. I have a real thing about sitting in it if the grass is needing cut or it needs weeded and a couple of weeks ago managed to get out on the only decent day we had and get the edges trimmed, bag up all the rubbish and leaves, prune the bushes, do a bit of weeding and generally tidy it all up. The night before I’d grabbed the chance of a dry spell to get the first summer cut of the grass so it was looking bonny and I was really looking forward to sitting in the sun enjoying the fruits of my labour so to speak - then the weather completely changed - Sod’s Law!
But that meant I only basically had to cut the grass last week which I did on Saturday afternoon so today, sun shining, I’ve sat outside and caught up with my diary then written this.
That also means things are a bit better healthwise which I’m very glad to report (and terrified to in case I jinx anything!). For me to get all the garden done in one afternoon is huge in itself - but also not to then have to ‘pay for it’ in the days following - also huge - and that makes a massive difference to what I can get done in a week in general. Normally I spend so much time trying to take care of the basics and not managing - that there’s no time left for ‘extras’ of the pleasurable stuff so then that results in a massive imbalance of chores versus pleasure because I never reach the pleasure part or have the energy left for it if I do by any chance get caught up!
That’s why I make sure I don’t miss table tennis or Italian because that at least provides some social interaction which I usually enjoy and I notice a difference when I’ve had to miss either of them for any reason. I’ve built up good friendships at the table tennis and we go for a cup of tea in the café after we’ve played now and sit and yak for a good hour or two which is nice.
I don’t manage very much other socialising at the moment because I’m still having a hard time doing anything in the evenings and of course mornings are completely out just now. I can never seem to get past 8.30 p.m. for some reason before becoming exhausted and ill and then I have to get myself home asap. That curtails things somewhat on the friendship front as I can’t just go to groups or events as I please - I always have to do that horrible pacing and watch I’m not overdoing it. Which isn’t a very enjoyable way to live.
I was reminded of this when a guy I’d gone out with in 2012 got back in contact a few months ago and after several weeks of messaging back and fore, suggested meeting up. I had mentioned the chronic fatigue but not in any great detail so said I would struggle to go out in the evening and it might need to be a cup of tea some afternoon. He was okay with that so, one Friday at the end of March, he was off work for a long weekend and not doing anything special. I was having a major struggle at that particular time but wanted to test myself and see if I could still do stuff while feeling ghastly so asked if he wanted to go for the cuppa that afternoon. He did and we met in a neighbouring village.
It went well although I would have been more impressed if he’d changed out of his t-shirt and shorts before he’d come - I mean it WAS a nice day but we’re not talking about someone who is fit here - he’s several stone heavier than he was when I saw him last so the t-shirt and shorts just ....... no.
Apart from that though we got on well and I could tell he was angling to continue the date into teatime. In the old days I would have been up for that but after 2 hours of chat, I was exhausted and needed to get home so it was awkward trying to get that across without it sounding personal. However he messaged me afterwards (so I couldn’t have blown it completely) but in the course of that conversation, I mentioned that I had gone to the supermarket in the next town before I had gone home then, because it was still such a nice night, I’d walked along the riverbank for half an hour. That prompted him to tell me of a nice walk in a little village called Collieston, a pretty little place on the coast -
which involved a bit of trampling through some clifftop marshes for a mile and a half. And that made me realise I can’t do that - the most I can manage on a walk is half an hour otherwise I do the inevitable ‘paying for it’ the next day.
Which, in turn, made me realise, very few folk are going to accommodate this.
I don’t say this in any pitiful way - more as a practical observation - it’s just depressing when the realisation of the limitations hits me full force sometimes.
As I write, I’m assaulted by the noise of a nest of baby birds which Mum and Dad Bird have built in the eaves of my house. They first appeared 2 years ago and I was amazed at the racket but loved the fact there was a little family being raised - loved the fact even more that it was happening at the front of the house and therefore heard in my spare bedroom rather than my own bedroom! Of course I had two hunting cats in the shape of Willow and Snarf at that point and was a bit worried there would be death and destruction as the little ones learned to fly. There was only one casualty left on my path one day - and I can tell you for certain that the next time I appeared out of the house, I was severely berated by Mama Bird for not telling her I had furry death machines living with me while she was looking for a house!!
I was delighted when last year and this they appeared back again and even more so because they only have Bailey to contend with now - and his forays outside only consist of poking his head out of the front door in the morning for about 5 minutes so they’re quite safe! But I’m convinced there have been two families living there - there seemed to be different-sounding birds several weeks ago then silence for a while then this family appeared. Can that happen?
The other thing which has made some progress in the right direction is my relationship with Nikki which is slowly but surely getting back on track. It was still pretty dire as recently as 3 weeks ago when she hardly spoke to me at Lily’s swimming lesson and was obviously pissed off at me. Two weeks previously I’d made the mistake of suggesting to my brother, Ian, and his wife Margaret, who were through for a few days, that they could perhaps pop into the Leisure Centre (where Lily has her lesson) to see Ruari. This was because Nikki had got completely stressed when my sister & her youngest with her 2 boys had come down for a visit not long before that and Ian’s daughter, Catriona, stays literally 5 minutes away from the Leisure Centre so I thought it might save them going out to Nikki's house and therefore save her some stress. Ian & Margaret are often over at Catriona's in the afternoon when they're through to see their grandson Matt.
When I mentioned this to Nikki she said it was stressful enough trying to manage everything on a Thursday as it was so no, that wasn’t a good idea. Fair enough. I passed that on to Ian and he replied so definitely got the message.
However Ian is 71 and has been getting very forgetful in the past year or two - it was really bad around autumn of last year then he discovered during a routine test that he’d apparently had a TMI (small stroke) in October which explained a lot. It seemed to be getting worse again recently though so I wasn’t unduly surprised when I saw him walking into the Centre that Thursday afternoon just after Nikki had taken Lily downstairs to get changed. I was facing the steps leading down to the bit where we sit to watch Lily and honestly if you could have seen her face when she saw Ian ...... let’s just say if looks could kill I wouldn’t be here writing this now! She hardly spoke to him the whole time he was there.
The following week she made some crappy excuse about wanting to try and do the whole swimming thing on her own with the 3 kids ‘as it had been a bit stressful recently especially with Ian coming last week’ which would have been perfectly feasible had she not already done exactly that 3 weeks after Ruari was born! So I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go and I honestly thought this was going to start a whole new drama but all was ok the next Thursday - apart from the fact she didn’t speak to me. Literally.
So that Saturday I didn't know what to do. Normally I go out to her house on the Saturdays when the kids are not at Joel’s then on the other Saturdays if she wants to do something with me she lets me know but since Ruari’s been born I’ve kinda felt I should really be going out every week. That wouldn’t be a problem but with her in those moods, it could be a pretty miserable affair! It’s not so bad when the girls are there - they act as a buffer when things are strained and I can tolerate it better.
So I was in a dilemma.
I decided to text to see if Joel had taken the kids (Jane was in Spain so there was a chance he’d come up with some excuse cos he relies on her a lot to help out). She said yes and did I still have plans for that day? I’d been going to go out with my friend Janice but her oldest daughter had appeared unexpectedly so we’d postponed it. When I told her that she asked could she come through and we could maybe sit out in the front garden and play Scrabble (it was a sunny day)? I willingly agreed, glad I didn’t have the drive out to Pitmedden and back to contend with for once.
So she arrived in about twoish and it was just like the last 2 years hadn’t happened. Honestly it couldn’t have been a nicer day. We sat out the front but spent the first hour just playing with Ruari who’d begun smiling that week and was delighting everyone he met.
I just love the love she has for him - I was worried because she ended up hating Duncan (his dad) so much that it would affect the relationship between them but she's clearly besotted with him.
The interaction between Nikki and I was exactly like we’d had before - normal mum & daughter stuff - tiny little things happening which just hadn’t been happening up to that point - those of you who have been in a fractured relationship with a son or daughter will know what I mean. I’m sure I looked completely gobsmacked most of the time - I know I felt gobsmacked - I kept thinking I was in some kind of dream and was going to wake up from it any second! It helped tremendously that I felt particularly well that day too so I didn’t have any of the usual awful exhaustion after a few hours to contend with and in fact she stayed until 10.30 in the evening which was lovely.
We ended up playing Mastermind eventually instead of Scrabble and when she won the first game she laughed and said “Oh I feel really brainy now” then paused and said “I’m thinking of going to University.” I laughed thinking one statement connected to the other but then realised she was deadly serious! Turns out she wants to do a BSc in Midwifery at one of our local universities - a 3 year course combining various modules at the University and the Maternity Hospital.
But this is what impressed me the most. She hadn’t done her usual Nikki Mode of Action “I want a baby - I have no idea how I’m going to support said baby or where I’m going to live with said baby but I don’t give a shit” - she’d looked into it properly - what’s involved, what’s needed to get onto the course, funding, what childcare she would need, spoken to people who worked at the Maternity Hospital - all the normal stuff you do if you take responsibility for something you want to do - and the bit Nikki normally bypasses!!
So I was even more gobsmacked at that but absolutely delighted! I don’t doubt for a minute she could do it. She has an excellent brain and when she sets her mind to something and has a goal to work towards she usually does okay - so yes it’s a hard enough thing to do in itself never mind with 3 kids under 6 but if she just takes it step by step she’ll be fine. She was surprised but pleased at my reaction - she thought I’d be all “What the hell are you thinking??” but she forgets I’m her mum - I know what she’s capable of.
Long term readers may remember the nightmare I had with her trying to get her to go to school from around age 13 onwards and then when she left school, the same nightmare trying to get her to go to work! But that settled when she found her dream job in a local nursery and she worked her way up to the Manager of the Baby Unit and took SVQ exams at the same time getting up to Level 4 which is good as it looks like those qualifications may make up for the fact she has no Higher Grades. She has herself booked in for an Open Day for the course on the 2nd July so she’ll get all the relevant info then.
And things have been absolutely fine since that day. Which is bizarre in itself. But I’d always said I’d made a decision to ‘keep the door open’ because I’d seen enough trauma from families torn apart due to horrible feuds which had started with much less than we’ve gone through. I’ll be honest though - if those two little girls hadn’t been in existence I’m not sure I could have let her away with what she did or been so active in her life - it was those two who kept me going out there and putting up with her shenanigans for that length of time.
The usual apologies for the length of this - I just wanted to let you know that things were better all round and that needed a bit of detail. One of my future goals is to write more frequently with shorter entries and I will work towards that - honest - but all I can do right now is aim for an entry a month. Not counting the hundreds of entries I write in my head on a weekly basis of course! Don’t we all do that though!
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