April 16. 2019 in Process of a Brokenhearted Woman

It has been four days. Four days since we broke up. Four days where I am constantly contemplating “this is for the best” and “you were and still could be the best”. Four days of saying, “I’ll be fine.” “We agreed together.” “I will find someone better” “He wasn’t my guy and I wasn’t his girl.”
But MAN did yesterday hit me like A TON OF BRICKS.. To be honest, it felt like a whole lot more than that. Especially because I have been making myself think otherwise this whole time.
But this time.. oh man, my day went from bad to horrible. And the ONLY CURE I could think of was you.
DAMN IT. YOU.
Your arms. Your hug. Your voice. Your words.
I just wanted you. It didn’t matter who I talked to, it was you that fixed it.
I want to tell you everything. I want to hear everything. But I STILL FEEL.. like we made the right decision. You don’t know me. And that is okay.
However.. now it is like I want to be your friend. And my goodness.. I want to be one of your best friends. Why? Because you are an AMAZING friend. Seriously such a great friend. Just a sucky boyfriend. Which.. I can kind of understand why. Because we never went through the “friends” phase. You didn’t give me a chance to show you my dark, ugly, bright, understanding side. You saw those sides, but from a GIRLFRIENDS point of view. I enjoy my space. I enjoy being smothered in love too. However, I really enjoy when I miss you. Not seeing you for three days. Not really being able to talk to you while we both have gone and done our own things.. that made me miss you. The fact that YOU JOKE WITH ME. YOU TALK TO ME. You are being you.. that is what I have always wanted. I know you are capable of being the man of my dreams.. but you are so in your head that you TRY TO BE SOMEONE that you THINK is who I want.. when in reality.. You are already him. Just by being you. By telling me when I have messed up. By telling me straight up how you are feeling and what you are thinking. By being there for me when I REALLY need you. By listening yet communicating. YOU ARE HIM. “Can I Be Him”. However, you are already him. You’ve always been him. The problem isn’t the way we think differently. It is the way we try to be what WE THINK each other wants us to be.. When in reality.. When we don’t try and we just do things naturally.. that is when it works out the best. I have always told you, “you make me laugh the most when you don’t even try” well.. it’s the same for “you make me fall in love with you when you don’t try” Just like the guy in September did.
But here is to being friends.
Here is to creating a new friendship.
Here is to a journey that is going to be one hell of a ride.
Here is to new memories.
And maybe, just maybe.. here is to a future us.
I just hope you know, I love you. I always have and I always will.

Last updated April 24, 2019