April. 24. 2019 in Process of a Brokenhearted Woman

We haven’t talked in over a day. The last time this happened was before I met you. My stomach is eating me alive. My throat has a mind of its own. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or cramping. Either way, I feel numb. I made it through yesterday though! And now.. I can’t stop listening to our playlist. I stopped and took a breather, just for another song to be playing at the office right now. Just my luck.. I seriously hate the fact that you have ruined so many good songs. And it’s not even that you ruined them, it’s more of I can’t not think of you when I hear them. AND THAT IS SO DUMB. I can’t stop thinking of you. I just want to talk. It is hard enough to know I can’t kiss you. I can’t just come over. You won’t come over. I can’t hold you. I can’t fall asleep on the phone.. but talking.. I just want to talk. And even at that, I don’t want to just talk once a day. Not even twice a day. I want to talk to you. I want to see how work and school is going. I want to see how your day is, and what you did all day. I want to hear your voice.. UNTIL I realize you don’t want to do that with me, or else you would do it. You’ve always said “if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t.” and you are making it very clear that you don’t want to do this at all. You don’t want me in your life. You didn’t want to fight for us. You don’t care about my feelings.
I stop and think.. I just want you. And then I realize no. I want someone else who won’t treat me like this. One who can’t stop thinking of me. One who goes out of their way to make sure I am okay, unlike you. Who could care less. You don’t care that you’re hurting me. You don’t miss me. And if you do, you are doing ONE HELL OF JOB at showing it.
I love you though. I really freaking love you.
But come on, future me (and present me), you deserve better. And that is exactly what is going to happen. I will get better. Eventually.