Hi, my name is... in Phoenix

I just wanted to introduce myself. You’ve never met me before. I am not who I was.

I’m a stranger to myself, a stranger that I’m falling madly in love with. A thing happened and, in a single moment, so much of the old me just fell away. No more anxiety, no more depression, no more mania, no more self-doubt, no more self-loathing. I don’t even know who I am without those things, but I sure do like me. It’s so odd to suddenly not feel bipolar anymore. And no, I didn’t get some magic new medication. A thing happened. Is still happening. Has been happening for almost 30 years, and will hopefully continue happening for another 30, or however long it takes me to die. A thing I never imagined.

I hear things about myself and I believe them. That’s always been my fatal mistake. Because I mostly heard bad things about myself, you know? I was indoctrinated to believe that I was a shit human. Over the years, I became that shit human, because why not? If that’s all anyone thinks I am, if that’s all anyone has ever tried to convince me of, well why wouldn’t I believe it and become it?

I recognize now that it was a choice that I didn’t even know I had. I was never told that I didn’t have to believe the rotten things people said about me, that I could choose not to believe them. It never felt like a choice. But now, having the ability to choose is like being reborn, like being shiny and brand new.

I know I’m still bipolar. I mean, that doesn’t go away, there’s no cure, you know? But I’ve never not been depressed or manic or somewhere in between. I don’t know, this is just so new to me, I don’t feel like I have the words to describe how I feel, or how I don’t…

My heart is so full and yet so light at the same time, like a balloon over-filled with helium held by a tenuously tied string. Like it has wings and is poised for flight at the edge of a cliff.

When someone sees me as I’ve always wished someone would, sees me as I want so badly to see myself, it’s transformative. It’s like the very essence of my being has been pulled out into the light and then held up for me to see, and I’m seeing it as bright and strong and powerful. And now I can’t un-see it, I can’t shake this idea that I’m so goddamn worthy. Worthy of love, but especially worthy of self-love. I’ve never known anything like this.

I can’t wait to see what happens next in my journey!