What Am I Doing Wrong? in Depression

I’ve begun wearing makeup again. Wearing lowcut shirts, putting on dresses and my more form fitting clothes.

Our sex life has gotten better, more open.

But I have to be the one to initiate every time. I send him pictures throughout the day. I offer myself up to him daily. I ask him to come lay with me. I dirty talk. I try not to be too needy throughout the day.

So why does he still not want me? He says he does. He says he is enjoying everything we’ve been doing. But he doesn’t act like it. He acts like I’m being too needy. Like it’s a chore.

I ask him to come to me when the kids go to sleep. He doesn’t.

Is he punishing me for all the times I didn’t initiate it? Is it my weight to carry now?

Maybe it is all in my head but I am trying so hard and still feeling so unattractive. Why do I have to be so insecure? I always have been. The only time I ever felt good about myself was when we were dating. Even then any stupid little thing he said could make me feel like shit about my looks. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, but you don’t have to try hard to hurt someone who has already internalized all that self hatred.

I was always told how smart I was. Teased about my shyness. I know I’m not ugly but it is so hard not to feel that way when I am stuck on this wheel of self hate.

And it only hurts worse when I put on my cute clothes and a brave smile to fake the confidence I don’t feel, and then nothing comes of it. Maybe he doesn’t see how hard I’m trying.