Maybe I should just kill them all?
Maybe that would be easier?
I wonder if I could kill all of my friends fast enough, before the ones still alive started to catch on to what was happening…I’ll bet by the time I got to Texas some of them would be hiding.
That’s right girl, I know you’re reading this right now…you’d be one of them, I’m sorry, but I gotta kill you because I love you.
Hey, at least we’ll get to meet first, right?
Okay, but in REALLY real talk, because I’m not going to kill any of my friends.
I would like to talk about where the fuck they are all going and why I think it could be happening.
Now, you see…I finally addressed Brittany, and she, much like Alec, did not like what I had to say about how she had hurt me, so she decided to terminate the friendship.
See what I mean?
I really should just be killing these fuckers.
So…I’m pretty sure the reason Brittany and Alec aren’t my friends anymore is because I have outgrown them.
I hope they catch up to me, but I don’t think they will or want to, and I’m not turning around or slowing down for anyone, because I have work to do, and what I have to do is so much bigger than one or two, or a thousand people.
They are sad, miserable people…and it’s weird because I always looked at both of them as such positive influences on my life, but that’s just because I was more miserable than they were.
Now that I’m not miserable at all, I’ve been getting this resentment for it, and I was willing to stay, I was willing to be friends with both of them still even though I was growing and changing…but what I wasn’t willing to do was let either of them treat me like shit, and they couldn’t fucking handle it when I finally stood up for myself.
It’s like how white people get so fucking scared that anyone else be treated fairly…when you’re so fucking used to abusing someone who doesn’t fight back, it seems like an attack when they defend themselves.
So that’s why I think I’m not friends with Alec or Brittany anymore, and honestly that’s fine. I would like to be friends with Alec again at some point if he can sober up and be Alec again, that would be really fucking awesome, because he is my brother and the only person in the world that I love more than Alec is my mom…but also, if he can’t sober up or doesn’t want to be my friend ever again, I’ll be able to live with that. I’ve lived with worse things, I think.
But Brittany, I just don’t really give a fuck at all. I feel like my feelings should be really hurt. I talked to Lex today and she kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m so hurt over losing Brittany, I can’t even imagine how you feel…your relationship was so intense and deep and you guys had such a history…” but, like, I really don’t feel anything over it right now…I think maybe this has been coming for such a long time now that I already went through it.
I was so hurt when she told me she couldn’t be friends with me anymore because she was going to be in a committed relationship with Eli and Eli hates me…I wasn’t hurt that she was in a relationship and couldn’t be my friend anymore, if that was the case and she was truly happy I would understand…we have a really fucked up past that most partners wouldn’t understand or appreciate…but that wasn’t the case! She was with fucking Eli, one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever known in my entire life, and I have known some gigantic fucking pieces of shit. Of course, a month and a half later they are broken up because he got back together with his first girlfriend who left her husband for him or some shit? So like…he went from being some homeless alcoholic to being an alcoholic that now has a bunch of step kids, hahaha. And I guess this happened while him and Brittany were together…this is the love of her life, she has been on and on about this guy for like the last ten years. He has treated her this way for like the last ten years.
So, I guess I never really forgave her for that shit when she came back with her tails between her legs and asked if we could be friends again.
I was still nice to her, though. I still treated her with love and respect, because I love and respect her, regardless of if I am upset or hurt.
But she treated me like shit.
So enough was enough.
I won’t miss her.
I’m better off this way.
…but then there’s Golnar.
I haven’t talked to Golnar in weeks now.
I haven’t talked about Golnar in weeks now.
People have started asking where she is, and all of that, and I don’t want to talk about it so I tell them I don’t want to talk about it and then we don’t talk about it and then I don’t think about it and then I just keep moving on with my life like it’s not affecting me at all because I can’t let it affect me because if I start thinking about it too much I’ll start driving myself crazy and then it starts to hurt in this deep place that I can’t reach ever so it just throbs and throbs this dull pain…and it doesn’t go away until I wake up again in the morning.
I miss my best friend.
I really really miss her.
…I actually don’t want to talk about it anymore.
I guess I need to sit down and start working on some code shit now.
I guess that was…cathartic or something.
I don’t even know.
I think maybe I feel worse right now, actually, than when I sat down to start writing.
I don’t want to talk anymore.
I love you.
I’ll talk to you later.