falling into place in Journal

my mantra of last year has definitely applied to my life so far: hard work pays off.

it is embarrassing to admit that i have never really put in a lot of hard work in my life. emotionally perhaps yes, as resilience is just as much work as anything else, living a semi-normal life with PTSD and trauma is a battle i would wish on no one and yet i have been, for the most part, fairly successful.

learning and growing never stops though. physical work was also a battle for me because i was just so lethargic all the time. as a teenager i slept more than i care to admit. video games and sleep were my “thing”, holidays were spent glued to the screen than in bed for 10 hours. of course, leaving my home and being thrust into the real world where the privilege of not relying on my family was the wake-up call i desperately needed.

it took a while for my attitude to change. i still despised “working”. i never particularly enjoyed my jobs and they felt like they were just in the way of doing what i really wanted to do. same with uni, or even social engagements. i was creating the perfect recipe for depression and when it did fully hit me i was sunk into it with no way out. years of therapy, applied psychology and a hell of a lot of discipline really got me out of that hole. it feels refreshing to really feel that for myself: i am out of the darkness of depression.

i worked hard with J and it paid off. hours of pacing, of anticipation, of patience and pure love. i worked hard with uni and it paid off. hours of study, discipline, paying attention and not giving up. not giving up. when i was younger, giving up was always the default option. and for the most part, it felt like there were no consequences, until i woke up at the age of 23 and realised i had no degree, no real job, a severe lack of friends and a huge dependency issue.

i was very set on blaming my entire life on my caregivers and my shit ex-boyfriend until i realised i can control SOME aspects of my life, and i can certainly control the future.

you can’t change the past, but you can mould the future.

i remember being in that pit and writing about not seeing a way out, and now i am here it feels sweeter than ever. i just have to get through these next two uni assignments (and an exam, eep) and i’m closer to reaching my goal. wish me luck x