I want to throw up in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.
- April 1, 2019, 6:26 p.m.
I felt fine all day at orientation, it was good seeing my old bosses in a new setting and I work with some of my old co-workers that I really get along with, so it was cool, everything was cool.
Then I start driving home…and suddenly my heart just breaks.
For no reason, I literally felt it change in an instant from fine to heartbreak.
And I got that sick feeling where you want to cry and throw up and you’re afraid you’re probably just going to do both at the same time.
I told Wesley about it…apparently he started feeling the same way and he doesn’t know why either.
I hate this feeling…I’m not going to lie, for a moment the thought of killing myself passed through my head. Of course I shrugged it off quickly, I never even gave it a real thought…but it still came and went.
Aside from the heartbreak feeling, I really do miss Golnar and Alec and I’m trying to tell myself that this is just how life works, it’s never all good, it’s never all bad, you have to take them both…I need to just accept that people always come and go, that’s been the theme of my life, and you know what? Alec feels abandoned by me…he feels like I come and go…and you know what else? He’s not wrong.
With Golnar it’s just weird because it feels like a breakup, it really does…and the reason why we broke up is because she has positive feelings for me…so what the fuck?
I’ve seriously been trying to wrap my head around this shit for a few days now and I just don’t think I’m going to ever be able to…like, I get it…I get the mechanics of the situation, but god damn.
A Sunny Day Real Estate song just came on and it was perfectly fitting because not only is it depressing as fuck, but Golnar is a real estate agent…so it’s just super cool, the universe has been talking to me in so many strange fucking ways lately, there are just signs everywhere, manifestations of my thoughts and feelings happening rapidly.
That’s why I don’t want to feel like this…I don’t want to see what this feeling can manifest…I’ve already seen the way I manifest things when I’m feeling evil and dark…I don’t ever want to feel evil and dark again.
I want to be one of the good guys.
I am one of the good guys now.
I have been for a while now.
I don’t want to go to the gym…I got way out of my routine on this little vacation that I’ve had and I know that if I just get back into my routine it will be great and I will feel great and I’ll be happier and have more energy and less anxiety (it’s been so bad lately) and blah blah blah…I’m going I’m going, but I need to charge my phone a little more because the battery dies so fast and the music at the gym sucks…actually, no it doesn’t, My head phone dongle thing broke once and while I was waiting for a new one from Amazon I went to the gym a couple of times without headphones and it actually wasn’t so bad, there were a few songs I wish I knew the names of so I could add them to my playlist.
It’s weird that I’ve been writing so much lately because I feel like I don’t have anything important to say…I might as well just tell you what I had for lunch…it was Subway…I had Subway for lunch…I hate Subway on a fundamental level…it was okay…it was free.
Thanks for listening to me and not being mean to me for my thoughts and feelings.
A lot of people are mean to me when I’m honest about my feelings.
Humans don’t know how to handle feelings very well.
You do though.
I know that.
That’s why I appreciate you so much.
I love you always.
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ April 01, 2019
This gave me all the feels, oh my gosh. Like, that happens to other people?! Just driving home, tralala, and bam! Heartbreak! Sorrow! A momentary loss of the will to live!
All the feels, not alone! Terribly sad and yet comforting at the same time, isn't it? To at least know that we're not the only ones but feel bad knowing that another person has to feel some of the weird, rotten shit we do? This exact thing, in the car, driving home from a pretty good day at work, happened to me just a couple of months ago. So much suck.
I'm sorry people are mean to you when you're honest about your feelings. People have been mean to me, too. They just don't GET IT. Fuck 'em.
Superposition 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ April 02, 2019 (edited April 02, 2019)
I've actually gotten to the point where I have a handful of Bipolar friends and it's really nice to be able to talk to someone who understands what's going on, and you can actually laugh about these terribly fucked up things that no human in their right mind would ever laugh at if they've never been psychotic. You're definitely not alone.
And you can't blame people for not getting it...honestly, do you even get it?
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Superposition ⋅ April 02, 2019
Yeah, I can understand why people don't get it, but I've found that a lot of them won't even TRY to get it. I lived for a lot of years with a person who convinced me it wasn't real, "all in my head," and so I went untreated. Others have actually tried to argue my own bipolar with me, argue with my feelings, and that's insanity. They can't understand that I don't choose to feel certain things or certain ways at certain times. You know those people, the "just think positive thoughts" crowd. Or the "you just need a nice walk in the woods" crowd. Oh oh, and the "big pharma is poisoning you, you don't need those drugs" crowd. They're my favorite! I'm like, okay Linda, stop taking your insulin because that's just a big pharma plot, mmmmkay?
Superposition 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ April 02, 2019
Yeah, the people who argue against taking meds are fucking pleebs and they don't know anything at all, and their biggest problem is that they think they know everything and they are not open to change. Don't waste your time with those nasty things.
There are far more powerful and important people you could be talking to and worrying about.
It's true, my meds have a lot of side effects that I don't really care for...and sometimes I wish I didn't have to take them...and sometimes I talk about the day that I will stop taking them, and every time I imagine not taking them I get to about...two and a half years, that's about as far into the future I can see before I inevitably destroy everything and have to start all over from scratch again and the fucking state makes me go back on meds. So...I just take them.
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Superposition ⋅ April 03, 2019
"Don't waste your time with those nasty things."
Best. Thing. Ever. These days I refuse to engage with anyone who acts like that. I've cut as many of the toxic people out of my life as possible, but there seems to be an endless supply of them some days. Luckily, I've picked up a few of those powerful and important people you mentioned and I've been focusing more and more on them and my life is a much better place now.
My main issue with meds right now is the lack of a doctor and the lack of the will required of me to go through the whole damn mess again. I've been through it too many times with too many therapists and I'm sick of doing it. I'm sick of telling the same shit over and over again to new people. I'm sick of the time wasted more often than not when it takes multiple sessions before realizing that yet another one is not a good fit. All I want is fucking meds. I don't need the therapy anymore, I've had enough, and I know that probably sounds super unhealthy, but it's not. I've been through a lot of therapy. Just need the meds and I know that's another trial altogether, finding the right combination, testing shit for months, getting worse, and trying something different, months, worse... So I just take care of the anxiety (kind of) with Buspar and handle the rest in my way. Being single is making that a million times easier. But. Lonely. Sad. Yeah... I rambled here. Sorry.
Superposition 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ April 03, 2019
Ramble all you want, I love reading.
So about the therapy: My mom is a psychologist, and I started seeing a psychologist when I was like...seven or maybe younger? I don't know, my memory is pretty bad, but they started me on therapy and meds super young, I've been in mental hospitals, I've done so many fucking groups, honestly? I already know everything...even my mom says talk therapy is worthless for me, and it seems like you're at that point too.
Have you ever tried EMDR?
It's a fucking miracle.
That's what my mom does and it's some serious magick. I wouldn't be where I am today without it (and a lot of microdosing) but I remember, in my first EMDR session we worked on this belief I have that I'm a piece of shit...and after the session, that believe started to go away until it was gone.
That was just the first session....
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Superposition ⋅ April 03, 2019
I feel like I've never been in therapy, or the right kind of therapy, long enough to get to the point of convincing them I could benefit from EMDR. I've also never been on any kind of proper medication or doses for any major length of time. Lots of gaps in my professional care because I didn't have access to healthcare for most of my adult life. Medicaid for pregnancies, oh boy, 9 months of coverage. The one time I tried an income-based place was pretty much a disaster. The therapy was a joke and I saw a psychiatrist for about 5 minutes every month to get a prescription. Welbutrin over maybe 4 months, Paxil for maybe 6, if I remember that stretch correctly. The Welbutrin made me much worse and the Paxil made me dead inside. But then I couldn't afford it anymore. So yeah, no long-term, consistent care for me, not ever. I'm 41 now and feel like I have a much better grasp on things than anyone would actually expect me to, considering. I maintain.
Superposition 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ April 04, 2019
Yeah, at my last 51-50, I hadn't had a job for a few months because I was losing my grasp on reality so they put me on MediCal, which was pretty cool because it covered the ambulance ride and the overnight suicide watch, and it also covered the year of state mandated therapy that I had to take, and it covered the meds, and I got SUPER lucky because there was a great therapist who was there who was trained in some EMDR.
But, the hospital told me that I really needed to be on disability and they gave me some paperwork for it and all of that, but I decided that I wanted to work again, so my parents chipped in to help me get insurance for the first time in over a decade just so I could keep taking my medication because it seemed to be working.
So yeah...I've been super fortunate over these last handful of years.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, I know what it's like to be un-insured and un-medicated.
Tweetie ⋅ April 02, 2019
I can see your soul, and it's bright and shining, you only think you ever get dark and evil. :)
The Universe talks to me all the time (as it surely does to everyone, if they'd just listen), and I both love and hate it, but mostly love it. Savor the mystery!
Superposition Tweetie ⋅ April 02, 2019
Thank you for the kind words...I definitely think I've been dark and evil before.
I also believe the universe talks to everyone if they'd just listen. I believe everyone has psychic powers, as well, but it's too difficult for most people to do what it takes to hone them. It requires an extreme level of honesty that most people can't achieve.