I felt fine all day at orientation, it was good seeing my old bosses in a new setting and I work with some of my old co-workers that I really get along with, so it was cool, everything was cool.
Then I start driving home…and suddenly my heart just breaks.
For no reason, I literally felt it change in an instant from fine to heartbreak.
And I got that sick feeling where you want to cry and throw up and you’re afraid you’re probably just going to do both at the same time.
I told Wesley about it…apparently he started feeling the same way and he doesn’t know why either.
I hate this feeling…I’m not going to lie, for a moment the thought of killing myself passed through my head. Of course I shrugged it off quickly, I never even gave it a real thought…but it still came and went.
Aside from the heartbreak feeling, I really do miss Golnar and Alec and I’m trying to tell myself that this is just how life works, it’s never all good, it’s never all bad, you have to take them both…I need to just accept that people always come and go, that’s been the theme of my life, and you know what? Alec feels abandoned by me…he feels like I come and go…and you know what else? He’s not wrong.
With Golnar it’s just weird because it feels like a breakup, it really does…and the reason why we broke up is because she has positive feelings for me…so what the fuck?
I’ve seriously been trying to wrap my head around this shit for a few days now and I just don’t think I’m going to ever be able to…like, I get it…I get the mechanics of the situation, but god damn.
A Sunny Day Real Estate song just came on and it was perfectly fitting because not only is it depressing as fuck, but Golnar is a real estate agent…so it’s just super cool, the universe has been talking to me in so many strange fucking ways lately, there are just signs everywhere, manifestations of my thoughts and feelings happening rapidly.
That’s why I don’t want to feel like this…I don’t want to see what this feeling can manifest…I’ve already seen the way I manifest things when I’m feeling evil and dark…I don’t ever want to feel evil and dark again.
I want to be one of the good guys.
I am one of the good guys now.
I have been for a while now.
I don’t want to go to the gym…I got way out of my routine on this little vacation that I’ve had and I know that if I just get back into my routine it will be great and I will feel great and I’ll be happier and have more energy and less anxiety (it’s been so bad lately) and blah blah blah…I’m going I’m going, but I need to charge my phone a little more because the battery dies so fast and the music at the gym sucks…actually, no it doesn’t, My head phone dongle thing broke once and while I was waiting for a new one from Amazon I went to the gym a couple of times without headphones and it actually wasn’t so bad, there were a few songs I wish I knew the names of so I could add them to my playlist.
It’s weird that I’ve been writing so much lately because I feel like I don’t have anything important to say…I might as well just tell you what I had for lunch…it was Subway…I had Subway for lunch…I hate Subway on a fundamental level…it was okay…it was free.
Thanks for listening to me and not being mean to me for my thoughts and feelings.
A lot of people are mean to me when I’m honest about my feelings.
Humans don’t know how to handle feelings very well.
You do though.
I know that.
That’s why I appreciate you so much.
I love you always.